7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore

7 Reasons Why He Does Not Show Affection

In this article you’ll learn:

  • The answer to your question: “Why is my husband/boyfriend no longer affectionate or romantic?”
  • What to do when he gives you a lack of affection in your relationship.
  • Why he may still love you, even though he stopped showing it.
  • How to bring back the romance and affection in your relationship.
  • What it means when your man is NOT intimate with you.

What it means when you’re getting a lack of affection from your husband or boyfriend

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 1

You are having a relationship with a man, and for a long time, everything was great.

He was crazy about you – and you about him.

You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Hugging, kissing, and being intimate – preferably as often as possible.

Fast forward to the present moment.

Now it couldn’t have been any less romantic.

If the beginning of the relationship was an oasis, you are now in a desert.

Hugging and kissing? Rarely happens anymore. When you subtly move next to him on the couch, he quickly moves away.

All in all, he rejects your initiative.

“But Tim, what should I do when he gives me a lack of affection?”

Of course, it is a bit confusing when the man with whom you are having a relationship suddenly goes cold on you, and doesn’t want to receive any affection, let alone give it.

So why is he becoming cold all of a sudden?

That’s what I’m going to reveal to you in this article.

I think that when I explain to you why he suddenly turn into a block of ice, you will know how to easily defrost him without it becoming a big deal.

Here are the 7 reasons why your husband is not affectionate or romantic anymore:

Reason 1: He has something he needs to deal with alone

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 2


In the beginning of the relationship you mainly share nice experiences and positive things with each other.

You do fun things together, you watch movies, and you don’t reveal your bad habits or imperfections.

But when you get to know the other person better, the bad things in life will inevitably become a part of your relationship as well.

It could be anything from health issues, money problems, insecurities, or other problems from the past.

These already existed but were consciously avoided during the dating phase.

This is where most men retrieve inwards instead of talking about it.

You’d think that this behavior would stop when you are in a relationship with a man, and he would come to you when he had something that bothered him.

But unfortunately, that’s not the case.

Men deal with their problems differently than women. And instead of mentioning any of this to you and being open with you, he can suddenly just go cold and stop giving you affection.

This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, or doesn’t care about you.

Something might have happened that he needs to figure out, and he prefers to do that alone and then come to you when he has figured out the solution.

My advice:

Don’t take it personally. Show him that you love him, care about him and that you’re there for him, without putting any pressure.

Reason 2: He’s exhausted from work

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 3

As a woman you might think:

“After a long day at work, I love to sit on the couch with him just to talk about work and colleagues. I don’t understand that he comes in, closes the door behind him, and immediately turns on the television. It’s very antisocial.”

And with that, you hit the nail on the head.

Most men are social, to some extent.

We like socializing, but at some point, we get enough of it for one day.

When your husband or boyfriend has been at work and continuously had to deal with colleagues, customers, or other people…

Then his social battery will be completely drained.

And when it is empty, his social skills are turned off.

He’s simply not in the mood.

“But I am not like that.”

No, and we know that.

You are a woman. It is normal that you need social contact and affection after a long day.

But he’s different, and what he needs is to just relax for a moment.

So if your man doesn’t want to cuddle, and is also very restless…

It could be that he has a ton of work to do right now that he hasn’t mentioned to you.

Just leave him be, or encourage him to do something relaxing for himself (like going to sit in the sauna in a local swimming house).

The point is that whether he wants to ride a quad bike through the woods, fix a car in the garage, or just flick through the sports channels. Just let him do his thing.

Reason 3: He wants to be affectionate but you’re beating him to it

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 4

Look. Men like to be affectionate, but we sometimes also want to decide when that happens.

If you always cling on to him as soon as he comes home, or wants to lay on his chest when he lays down in bed… Then this will make him feel uncomfortable.

And of course it’s hard to get rejected when he doesn’t want to hug you.

But be careful about how you bring this up with him.

Avoid saying things like:

  • “I miss the way you used to be.”
  • “Why don’t you touch me as much?”
  • “Why are things different now than before?”

Do you want more affection from him? Mention this once – not twenty times. If you say it too often or too bluntly, then it will make him feel bad and think:

“Gosh, why is she nagging again that we don’t cuddle enough? She’s never happy.”

And as a result, he’s even less in the mood for romance.

Do you want him to become as crazy about you as he was at the beginning of your relationship, when he couldn’t keep his hands off you?

Then back for a bit and let him come to you.

Trust that he’ll come when he misses the warmth and the touch of his woman.

It is in his nature to want a challenge. If you’re always cuddling up close to him, he never gets the chance to be the one taking the initiative.

Reason 4: He doesn’t want to be seen as being under your thumb

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 5

When men are amongst themselves they talk a lot of trash to each other. That’s how it is. We brag, tease and we do things together. That’s how we bond.

And of course the same is also true and important for your husband or boyfriend. But suppose that his guy friends tell him that he is under the thumb?


A man doesn’t like to hear that.

And that’s an understatement.

It is humiliating, and he believes his friends, (his pack) when they say this.

Each man likes to think he is a tiger, an alpha.

He wants to show that he has big teeth and sharp claws. That he is proud, fearless, and that he has a big tail.

So when his friends tell him: “Hey dude. You’re not the alpha in your relationship, your girlfriend is…”

He will feel humiliated and powerless

And as a result, he’ll behave differently to “become more of alpha in the relationship”.

So he’ll show his friends who’s boss by starting to pull away, distance himself, hug you less, become more silent, maybe even act out over minor things.

My advice:

Just play the game and treat him like a tough tiger and let him be.

He will eventually stop this and become his normal self again.

Reason 5: He’s tired of you

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 6

This is always a tough pill to swallow.

But the truth sometimes hurts, and sometimes the reason for him not showing affection is simply that he’s tired of you and doesn’t like you anymore.

The worst thing you can do is to become more needy, clingy, and attention-seeking.

If he’s tired of you he might consider if he wants to be with you.

If I was to guess, chances are that your relationship has not been the most fun and exciting lately.

So here’s my advice:

  • Leave him alone and give him space.
  • Suggest doing something fun together, an activity that will bring back your romance with something he would love to do. Or better yet, do this as a surprise that comes out of nowhere.
  • Show him what an amazing woman he’s lucky to have by behaving like the relaxed, fun and kindhearted woman he fell for when you just started dating.

Reason 6: He is missing something in your sex life

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 7

Talking about intimacy and affection, how are things in the bedroom?

Are you still doing your best for him like you did when you just started seeing each other?

If he isn’t showing you affection, it might be because your sex life has become boring and it’s something missing. According to researchers, that causes a lot of unhappiness.

What’s the solution?

Become an animal in the bedroom. Fulfill some of your sexual fantasies that you’ve been talking about.

Men are sometimes too shy (really) to admit it, but research shows that we get absolutely addicted to a woman with whom we have amazing sex.

And to make it easier for you, here you can read about the 17 things men want in bed but won’t ask for.

Reason 7: He has a fear of commitment

7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 8

Men might be bigger and stronger than women, but when our heart gets broken, it takes a lot longer for it to heal.

One of the reasons for him not giving you affection could be that he is afraid to get hurt, even if you’re married to him.

So he closes himself off first before you get a chance to.

Let me ask you this…

Does any of the following statements apply to him:

  • He has had a traumatic experience in the past.
  • He just came out of a terrible relationship.
  • He finds it difficult to trust people.
  • He is afraid that you will break his heart sooner or later.

Then it is possible that a fear of commitment is the cause of behind his lack of affection. 

Just relax, a man with such a past will sooner or later not be able to contain it and therefore start to behave differently.

If nothing dramatic has happened to him in the past, men still run the highest risk of getting a fear of commitment during the ages of:

1: Between the age of 35 and 40

He suddenly realizes that he will spend the rest of his life with one woman.

Although he really likes you, the thought of not being able to date anybody else will practically give him a heart attack.

He remembers how it felt to be single and to do what he wanted to do, all the time.

His life with you is completely different than when he was single. It has responsibilities. And this can make him start to have doubts.

2: After the age of 50

This is a nasty streak of nature, but the primal instinct of men is to bring as many healthy and strong children into the world as possible.

And once you are over 50 this becomes a lot harder.

His primal instinct may start to rumble a bit, causing some doubt to creep in.

Even when a man has doubts, just stay calm.

Almost every man goes through the two phases I mentioned. And if he loved you before this phase, he will also love you afterward.

The same goes for the more serious fear of commitment if he has had a bad experience happen to him.

This doesn’t mean you can just sit on the couch and read a book till he has figured it out. Giving him a nudge in the right direction can never hurt.

Here you find 11 simple tips to get the commitment-phobe to commit.

Now you know the reasons why your husband or boyfriend has not been so affectionate lately

And more importantly. Now you know what to do about it and how to best handle the situation.

I wish you the best of luck.



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Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and bestseller author. He has been helping men and women get relationship succes since 2008. He started coaching in The Netherlands, where he is the owner & coach at the most significant Dutch dating advice website; mannengeheim.nl. He’s a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. Speaker at universities, conferences and debates, like the University of Amsterdam, University of Utrecht and University of Nijmegen. He has been featured media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Grazia & Elle. Since 2019 he has started writing in English on this website.
Connect with Tim:

13 thoughts on “7 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore”

  1. LOL I came across this as a suggested page … I enjoyed reading this, honestly I did, however!… it’s all basically saying leave your man alone or give him everything he wants but it doesn’t mean it’ll work … my advice – if he hasn’t got work/family/money issues (that really he should be sharing with a long term partner)…get rid of him he’s not the one for you. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken … they just don’t work for you.

  2. That’s exactly what I thought as well! I enjoyed reading it too, but imagining actually having a relationship like this honestly makes me sad. Maybe my man would be then happy, but I’d be really unhappy to have to hold myself back so much. Or to cater to any need of his needs when he wouldn’t do the same (which he wouldn’t if he didn’t show me affection so often). I’d really rather have a relationship where the man “mans up” and actually speaks up about what troubles him or what he wants. Even when he wants space. Sure, he might not always even know it himself, but it’s unfair to just leave it to the woman to figure it out, he could at least try. If it’s not worth it for him, then, well, what is he doing in a relationship with me in the first place.

    That’s just my preference though, otherwise thank you for the great article with lovely illustrations!! 🙂

  3. I’m in a relationship like this I’m a 31 year old mum of 3. I do everything for my partner, bring the kids up, cook him dinner everyday. He doesn’t really do a lot for me, he doesn’t really work, I do 80% of everything. I work 3 days a week running my own business. He pretty much just sits on his phone all day and night. All he cares about is fishing. I do nag him tbh but I’ve backed off a lot recently. I would nag him about affection issues and the more I’d nag him the more distant he would become and he would put his foot down. I feel lonely most of the time I don’t even feel like I am in a relationship, I want more than anything for him to show me he loves me but he punishes me by taking the affection side of things away. It’s like he looks straight through me. A lot of people are like what are you doing. A lot of people have said I’m actually a very attractive lady and I do admit I can get male attention if I wanted too, I just want it to work with my kids dad, but he makes me feel insecure and needy. He’s always calling me names and tells me that I’m crazy because I feel this way and to wise up. I’ve been back and forth for years tbh but nothing changes. I can’t have a conversation with him because he gets all defensive and his back up. Can’t even try to start a convo about how I feel without an argument or being completely shut down. I know what I need to do deep down it’s just very hard. About a month ago my nan died and he hasn’t supported me through that at all he went out with his friend the day she died and left me home with 3 kids a mess trying to deal with the hospital on the phone with kids screaming in the background. I’m just so tired and sick of feeling under appreciated and unwanted. I’m feeling really vulnerable at the moment and my self worth has been completely ripped away. Thanks for reading.

    1. Becci- I’m so sorry your husband and relationship is making you feel so awful. I don’t even know you, but just from reading this I can tell you deserve so much better! Your comment made me feel so sad, because you deserve to feel loved by your husband and it’s not fair that he doesn’t contribute at all or support you. That is not what someone who loved you would do. Someone who loved you would help you and they would definitely support you when going thru a hard time with your nana’s death. Marriage is a partnership and he is not helping out or doing his fair share. If you don’t even feel like your in a relationship, then deep down you know what you have to do and what is right! Please know your value and worth as a person. It’s disgusting that he even calls you names and makes you feel unattractive… that is UNACCEPTABLE!! I know you think you need to stay with him for the kids, but your kids deserve a mom who is happy, feels loved, and has her needs being taken care of too! Please you need to move on and end it, he’s not even trying and you know deep down it’s for the best to end it. I’m sure your kids will eventually understand, and you deserve to be happy and have the opportunity to find someone who actually cares and loves you properly. I’m wishing you the best girl, you don’t need your husband and would probably be happier without him anyway! I’m wishing you strength to get out of this toxic dead relationship. You can do this!!! feel free to respond or write back if you see this. Much love- Devon

    2. I was in the exact same boat as you exactly a year ago. Literally. Everything. The. Same. I have 2 kids and was in an unhappy 7.5 year long relationship with their father before I decided I had finally had enough and left. I was literally in the exact same situation as you, only instead of him sitting on his phone all day and night, he was out with his friends all day and night, and when he WAS home, he was more focused on his phone and computer than anything else. He was also very toxic and would constantly be disrespectful, which meant a lot of fighting (because I’ll be damned if I just sit back and take that). It was a nightmare. I’ve been through a lot of hard crap in my life, but packing up my bags and leaving my home that I had worked so hard for, and leaving behind the family that we had built, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Especially seeing how it affected our kids at the time. But honey let me tell you, that was the best decision I’ve ever made. I was constantly depressed and stressed out and insecure before. Now, I’m re-finding myself and getting my confidence back. I have new plans for life, and after a year living with a friend, I’ve now got my own little apartment with my 2 kids and, even though it’s hard, I’m making it on my own and i have so much new hope for the future. I’ve also always been told I’m pretty and I could have anyone that i want, but never felt i was good enough for all that. Now I feel I am worthy of love with a good person. I’m even dating one of my best friends and it’s such a different experience than what I had with my children’s father. I was convinced I’d be single forever after leaving him, but leaving him unexpectedly opened me up for this wonderful new person. While not a perfect relationship, now I feel I know what it’s like to be in an actual caring, loving, equal relationship. To not continue to bore you, all I’m saying is I know the exact situation that you’re in and how hard it is. If you know it’s dead, it’s time to pull the plug already and do what’s best for you and your kids and start a new, happy life. It’s not healthy for any one of you (including your kids because they’re seeing all that mess and learning from it) for you to stay. I wish you the best of luck. Things CAN and WILL get better!

  4. Ever since I caught my man jacking off to lil 20 year olds on porn and having all kinds of females on his social media he is now really distant and no affection i don’t know what to do?

  5. My 51 year old partner has changed so much ! We have been in a relationship for 9 years and he has gone from a affectionate partner to a partner that I have no idea who he is !! He locks him self in the spare bedroom , dosnt smoke, has no personality , has no friends , shows no emotions , very cold , distant partner . He blames me for everything when we have fight . He ignores me all the time . What Dan I do ? Do I end it ? Ad its really is effecting my health . Please help

  6. My 51 year old partner has changed so much ! We have been in a relationship for 9 years and he has gone from a affectionate partner to a partner that I have no idea who he is !! He locks him self in the spare bedroom , dosnt smile , has no personality , has no friends , shows no emotions , very cold , distant partner . He blames me for everything when we have fight . He ignores me all the time . What Dan I do ? Do I end it ? Ad its really is effecting my health . Please help

  7. I am going through the same thing. I been with my man 21 years. And last year he changed. The affection stopped the cuddling he always on his phone playing pool. When I am naked he don’t even pay at to me he still focus on that pool. He works full time and so do I. We have not had sex since my birthday January 16th. I feel so alone. I admit O came off on him at times wondering why I am not getting sex or affection from him. Then he will get defensive so I left it alone. I am not happy anymore. I just want to be happy. He pay the mortgage and other things need. It seems like since he took over the rent he changed. Why I say this is because for 15 of those years we been together I paid alll the bills because I worked and he helped with kids while I was working. As if I need him but I don’t. He didn’t say it but his actions shows it. He think because we have a conversation and I laughed that I am alright but deep down I am not. I don’t mention how he makes me feel because all he gone say is “ make the first move but the thing is I am so use to him giving me the affection and I return the favor that I can’t make the first move because 20 years I am use to him giving me the affection (if that makes sense) I missed him playing with my butt when I sleep. Telling me I-am beautiful. I am to the point where I want to step out of this relationship. Tired on feeling lonely. He a great provider but not a great relationship. I hate I feel this way😓😓😥😥😥

  8. Yes, I’m 69. Married for 20 years now. My husband is a sweet loving person with a heart of gold. We both love same things. We both adapted to each others likes and dislikes. But we don’t have any affectionate love, no sex, no touching. We do sleep together, hold hands when out. I don’t know what the issue may be but know he loves me, no interest in other women, and even do lots of stuff together. I wish I knew the problem, but I do take the positive about him over this issue. He could be an alcololic, he could be a gambler, he could even be a smoker, but none of these. Just wish he was more affectionate and a sex partner, but I merely have to go on with knowing the man I am married to cares.

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