15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore

7 Reasons Why He Does Not Show Affection

In this article you’ll learn:

  • The answer to your question: “Why is my boyfriend or husband no longer affectionate or romantic?”
  • What to do when he becomes unaffectionate towards you.
  • Why he may still love you, even though he seems to have lost interest.
  • How to bring back the romance in your relationship after it has gone cold.
  • What it means to your relationship when a man doesn’t show affection.

The truth what goes through a man’s mind when he suddenly stops giving affection (and how to fix it)

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 1

All relationships go through ups and downs. Personally, professionally, emotionally and physically.

Life is just going to be hard sometimes.

Unfortunately often when a man is going through problems, it can cause him to pull away from his woman, retrieve inwards stop giving her affection.

Or as many men do, just hope for it to pass or to try and fix ithe problem themselves…

He can lay there next to you present in person, but mentally he is somewhere else and you can feel that he is not present in the moment with you. He’s going somewhere else in his head.

You’d think that this behavior would stop when you are in a relationship with a man, and he would open up to you when he had something big that bothered him.

But unfortunately, that’s not often the case.

Men think and deal with their problems differently than women.

They are not as comfortable or good at talking about their feelings. And most of the time instead of opening up to and reveal what they think are “weaknesses”, they can suddenly just go cold and distant.

Which often leaves her to guess what’s going on with him.

With that said…

Sometimes a man just isn’t a very affectionate person.

In this article I’ll go through the most common reasons why he’s not affectionate anymore, and what you can do to bring back the romance in the relationship.

Here are the 15 reasons why your boyfriend is NOT affectionate anymore

1. He is depressed

Man having a midlife crisis

Depression can come from many things so it’s very hard to pinpoint the exact reason why he might be feeling this way.

There could be something big that he has to deal with, like hating his job or finding his life meaningless.

But it can also just be that he recently saw one of his childhood friends on social media traveling around and seeing beautiful places in the world… And he’s never done that but he’s always wanted to do it.

A harmless thing like that can cause a man to temporarily get depressed and feel like he has wasted his life, and therefore lose interest in sex and become a bit distant.

This can also make him want to take care of business himself, instead of making love to his partner.

2. He’s lonely

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 2

This can happen when a man simply misses his friends. Maybe his closest friends recently moved abroad, or his best co-worker quit and started working somewhere else.

Or perhaps he’s just been spending too much time alone or with you that he needs to go and see his friends.

Of course he won’t likely admit that he miss anyone or  needs anyone. But instead this can come out in the relationship.

If he spends a lot of time alone or inside the house, you can try to get him to hang out with his friends or to go and do a fun activity together.

3. He has financial issues

He does not have a solid foundation

If a guy is in a tough financial situation that’s going to come out very evidently in his personal life.

It doesn’t even necessarily have to be that he’s broke, which is terrible enough in it self.

It could also be that he might have lost a substantial amount of money on a business project, an investment, or over a crypto crash that happened recently.

Or  it might be because of something that he’s ashamed to admit that you don’t even know about. Such as him borrowing money from the bank or from someone that he shouldn’t have. Or perhaps lost a substantial amount of money gambling.

4. He’s struggling with an addiction

Man having midlife crisis

If a man is struggling with a an addiction, such as drinking or doing drugs, then that’s going to cause him to become distant or behave in other strange ways.

You should probably have seen it though but sometimes it’s not always as clear.

Men can hide this pretty well and even for years even to their partners.

The most common one is that he’s drinking a lot but not to the point that it gets obvious enough that he’s an alcoholic or has a drinking problem.

In this case, it’s his problem not yours and you’re not a trained professional to help him with this.

So I would encourage you to try and look at his behaviour objectively and if it’s likely that he has a problem, then that you suggest that he talks to someone about it.

5. He’s having a midlife crisis

Man having midlife crisis

When a man gets a midlife crisis he can stop showing affection towards his woman because he realizes that “his young days” are gone.

So in bed instead of cuddling with his you like he used to, now he drifts away and looks back at his life and “how good it used to be”.

He can just wake up one day and decide to buy a motorcycle in his 50’s, go bungee jumping, or do any other activity that he is probably way too old for.

It’s sort of a denial or refusal to accept that he’s older now and that the times have changed.

But the good news is that most men get out of this phase within a few months and learn to accept the reality for what it is.

Here you can read more about how to survive his midlife crisis.

6. He doesn’t know how to be affectionate

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 3

This might sound surprising to you… But many men just don’t know how to be affectionate or what that even means in a relationship.

A man might have been brought up in a very unaffectionate family or never had a serious relationship before. So he actually never learned what he’s supposed to do.

He might think being affectionate means taking out the trash or responding to texts reasonably quick.

In this case it could be good to explain to him in detail what you’d like him to do.

I mention this in more detail at the end of the article.

7. He has won you over, so he stopped trying as hard

A woman's husband is watching porn when she sleeps

Slose to every single person on the planet pretends to be better than they actually are when they just met someone new.

Sometimes a man “pretends” to be more affectionate and perfect than he is during the dating stage so that it will increases his chances of getting her.

He initially:

  • buys flowers
  • listens more
  • texts more often
  • cuddles with her
  • And so on…

Until he has won her over, then he might stop doing all the things.

Because now the purpose of doing all of them have disappeared and he now reverts back to his “normal self”.

But sometimes that change can be so evident. From one day to the next you can notice how he suddenly went cold on you and you’re wondering what happened to the sweet, caring and loving person you met.

Well he was just playing and it was just not who he really was…

The good news about that, is that he at least knows how to be affectionate, but it’s just not part of his normal personality (yet).

But it can be. Here you can read 10 secret ways to change a man for the better.

8. He has a fear of commitment

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 4

Dating a man with a fear of commitment can be tricky.

Because everything can seem to be going great in the relationship, until he realizes that she might actually leave him (just like others might have in the past)… So he suddenly closes himself off to her first before she might get a chance to.

Let me ask you this…

Does any of the following apply to him:

  • He had a traumatic experience in the past.
  • He just came out of a terrible relationship.
  • He finds it difficult to trust people.
  • He is afraid that you will break his heart sooner or later.

Then it is possible that a fear of commitment is the cause of behind his lack of affection. 

If that’s the case then I’d advise you to just show him love and kindness. And understand that he became this way because of something traumatic that happened to him.

Don’t take it personally. Show him that you love him, care about him and that you’re there for him, without putting any pressure.

9. You’re spending too much time together

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 5

In a healthy relationship, both people have their own hobbies, friends, goals and passions and then they meet somewhere in the middle.

If you have been spending too much time together over the last few months, then there is a big chance that he just needs some alone time.

If it goes too long without him getting that part of him fulfilled, then he might wake up one day and say that “he needs space or time to think”.

So an easy way to fix this is just to give him space.

It’s also very important for your wellbeing to spend some time to yourself, your friends and what you want to do.

10. He’s bored of the relationship

He never pays for you

So every relationship sooner or later ends up in a rut where everything is not as high and exciting as it used to be. When a man stops showing affection it could be that he is bored in the relationship. But usually in this situation, the woman feels the exact same way and is also bored of it.

If that’s the case for you then here are some ways you can get the sparkle back in the relationship:

Because what you want to do is to break your current pattern and introduce some new exciting things.

11. He wants to change the meaning of the relationship

The Player doesn’t give you a key to his apartment

So let’s say you’ve had a monogamous relationship for a number of years, but he’s getting a bit tired of it.

Or at least he’s entertaining the thought of meeting other people. Perhaps to try out an open relationship.

But instead of being a man and telling you how he feels about the relationship, he starts rebelling in ways that comes out as distant and cold and hope that you will eventually “get the point”.

He could also want to get out of a serious relationship all together and have a casual one, or worst of all, friends with benefits.

Here you can find some relevant articles about this that can help you with this:

12. There is something about you that turns him off

Woman annoys man by text

Usually what happens when a man stops showing a woman affection is that she tries to get him to become more affectionate again.

This reaction to his behaviour can make her try harder to get his attention and to cuddle with him or basically do anything to get some romance or intimacy back.

Which is completely understandable.

But now she often becomes an insecure needy person who wants something from him. And rightfully so. It’s a very human basic need that isn’t being fulfilled from him. And it’s totally not her fault.

But one thing that can make it worse is to become too pushy or needy, because that’s only going to have the opposite effect.

If you think this has been the case lately, then take a step back for a while and hope that he comes to you. And try some of the other things mentioned in this article.

One thing I also have to bring up while we’re on the topic… (Even though it rarely happens because pretty much all women take very good care of their hygiene.)

But sometimes a man doesn’t want to get intimate with his woman anymore because she has developed some kind of bad smell, for example bad breath that could have been caused by a cavity or something like that.

It’s extremely rare, but it happens. And worth mentioning.

The difficult part about this is that it can be hard for her to figure this out on her own, and it’s a sensitive subject for a couple to talk about.

13. He’s tired of you

15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore 6

This is always a tough pill to swallow.

But the truth sometimes hurts, and sometimes the reason for him not showing affection is simply that he’s tired of you and doesn’t like you anymore.

The worst thing you can do is to become more needy, clingy, and attention-seeking. (As I already mentioned)

If he’s tired of you he might consider if he wants to be with you at all.

If I had to guess, chances are that your relationship has not been the most fun and exciting lately.

So here’s my advice:

  • Leave him alone and give him space.
  • Suggest doing something fun together, an activity that will bring back your romance with something he would love to do. Or better yet, do this as a surprise that comes out of nowhere.
  • Show him what an amazing woman he’s lucky to have by behaving like the relaxed, fun and kindhearted woman he fell for when you just started dating.

14. He has met someone else

Is He Cheating On Me

Sometimes that’s just how it is. He has met someone else that is making him behave different towards you.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s over (yet). You could still find the spark and get back to the way things were if you both want to, and are willing to fight for it.

Here are some other relevant articles about this:

15. He’s still in love with his ex

Realize that cheating is extremely common. Almost half of couples cheat

This one also stings.

Perhaps he just ran into his ex, or started texting her again and realised that he missed her more than he thought.

Well if that’s the case then you can read the 7 signs that he still loves his ex and is NOT over her.

If he’s tired of you, has met someone else or wants to get back with his ex. He needs to say that to you.

Some weak men even lie to try and avoid the issue all together by not doing anything.

So if you have a feeling that something is up… And can find some signs for that being the case, then just ask him about it and be done with it.

Because at least then you’ll know for sure and can stop live in a world of uncertainty that will just drive you crazy.

How to get him to become more affectionate

So as I mentioned in the beginning of this article, it’s not always clear that he knows what being affectionate even means.

Try to explain in detail what you want him to do. For example:

  • Hug you more often
  • Kiss you in the morning
  • Text you spontaneously
  • Tell you “I love you” once in a while
  • Bring you flowers sometimes
  • And so on…

Book a date night once a week every week and commit to bring the affection back into the relationship.

And don’t forget to check out the 5 most common texting mistakes that women make that drive men away.


PS: Also check out these articles:


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14 thoughts on “15 Reasons Why Your Husband Or Boyfriend Is NOT Affectionate Anymore”

  1. LOL I came across this as a suggested page … I enjoyed reading this, honestly I did, however!… it’s all basically saying leave your man alone or give him everything he wants but it doesn’t mean it’ll work … my advice – if he hasn’t got work/family/money issues (that really he should be sharing with a long term partner)…get rid of him he’s not the one for you. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken … they just don’t work for you.

  2. That’s exactly what I thought as well! I enjoyed reading it too, but imagining actually having a relationship like this honestly makes me sad. Maybe my man would be then happy, but I’d be really unhappy to have to hold myself back so much. Or to cater to any need of his needs when he wouldn’t do the same (which he wouldn’t if he didn’t show me affection so often). I’d really rather have a relationship where the man “mans up” and actually speaks up about what troubles him or what he wants. Even when he wants space. Sure, he might not always even know it himself, but it’s unfair to just leave it to the woman to figure it out, he could at least try. If it’s not worth it for him, then, well, what is he doing in a relationship with me in the first place.

    That’s just my preference though, otherwise thank you for the great article with lovely illustrations!! 🙂

  3. I’m in a relationship like this I’m a 31 year old mum of 3. I do everything for my partner, bring the kids up, cook him dinner everyday. He doesn’t really do a lot for me, he doesn’t really work, I do 80% of everything. I work 3 days a week running my own business. He pretty much just sits on his phone all day and night. All he cares about is fishing. I do nag him tbh but I’ve backed off a lot recently. I would nag him about affection issues and the more I’d nag him the more distant he would become and he would put his foot down. I feel lonely most of the time I don’t even feel like I am in a relationship, I want more than anything for him to show me he loves me but he punishes me by taking the affection side of things away. It’s like he looks straight through me. A lot of people are like what are you doing. A lot of people have said I’m actually a very attractive lady and I do admit I can get male attention if I wanted too, I just want it to work with my kids dad, but he makes me feel insecure and needy. He’s always calling me names and tells me that I’m crazy because I feel this way and to wise up. I’ve been back and forth for years tbh but nothing changes. I can’t have a conversation with him because he gets all defensive and his back up. Can’t even try to start a convo about how I feel without an argument or being completely shut down. I know what I need to do deep down it’s just very hard. About a month ago my nan died and he hasn’t supported me through that at all he went out with his friend the day she died and left me home with 3 kids a mess trying to deal with the hospital on the phone with kids screaming in the background. I’m just so tired and sick of feeling under appreciated and unwanted. I’m feeling really vulnerable at the moment and my self worth has been completely ripped away. Thanks for reading.

    1. Becci- I’m so sorry your husband and relationship is making you feel so awful. I don’t even know you, but just from reading this I can tell you deserve so much better! Your comment made me feel so sad, because you deserve to feel loved by your husband and it’s not fair that he doesn’t contribute at all or support you. That is not what someone who loved you would do. Someone who loved you would help you and they would definitely support you when going thru a hard time with your nana’s death. Marriage is a partnership and he is not helping out or doing his fair share. If you don’t even feel like your in a relationship, then deep down you know what you have to do and what is right! Please know your value and worth as a person. It’s disgusting that he even calls you names and makes you feel unattractive… that is UNACCEPTABLE!! I know you think you need to stay with him for the kids, but your kids deserve a mom who is happy, feels loved, and has her needs being taken care of too! Please you need to move on and end it, he’s not even trying and you know deep down it’s for the best to end it. I’m sure your kids will eventually understand, and you deserve to be happy and have the opportunity to find someone who actually cares and loves you properly. I’m wishing you the best girl, you don’t need your husband and would probably be happier without him anyway! I’m wishing you strength to get out of this toxic dead relationship. You can do this!!! feel free to respond or write back if you see this. Much love- Devon

    2. I was in the exact same boat as you exactly a year ago. Literally. Everything. The. Same. I have 2 kids and was in an unhappy 7.5 year long relationship with their father before I decided I had finally had enough and left. I was literally in the exact same situation as you, only instead of him sitting on his phone all day and night, he was out with his friends all day and night, and when he WAS home, he was more focused on his phone and computer than anything else. He was also very toxic and would constantly be disrespectful, which meant a lot of fighting (because I’ll be damned if I just sit back and take that). It was a nightmare. I’ve been through a lot of hard crap in my life, but packing up my bags and leaving my home that I had worked so hard for, and leaving behind the family that we had built, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Especially seeing how it affected our kids at the time. But honey let me tell you, that was the best decision I’ve ever made. I was constantly depressed and stressed out and insecure before. Now, I’m re-finding myself and getting my confidence back. I have new plans for life, and after a year living with a friend, I’ve now got my own little apartment with my 2 kids and, even though it’s hard, I’m making it on my own and i have so much new hope for the future. I’ve also always been told I’m pretty and I could have anyone that i want, but never felt i was good enough for all that. Now I feel I am worthy of love with a good person. I’m even dating one of my best friends and it’s such a different experience than what I had with my children’s father. I was convinced I’d be single forever after leaving him, but leaving him unexpectedly opened me up for this wonderful new person. While not a perfect relationship, now I feel I know what it’s like to be in an actual caring, loving, equal relationship. To not continue to bore you, all I’m saying is I know the exact situation that you’re in and how hard it is. If you know it’s dead, it’s time to pull the plug already and do what’s best for you and your kids and start a new, happy life. It’s not healthy for any one of you (including your kids because they’re seeing all that mess and learning from it) for you to stay. I wish you the best of luck. Things CAN and WILL get better!

    3. I’m sorry you try and get no peace. I had that same issue with my ex. I was told by a psychologist he was possibly a narcissist. I was losing my soul. I chose to divorce him after he said and did some things that were completely unacceptable. I’m much happier. I say if it’s doesn’t bring peace, leave it. It takes two people as a team. State your case. If he’s out, just remember how strong you are and how capable you are. You’re already doing everything yourself. If you’re a believer, give it to God. There will be a way when there seems to be no way. Also, as a mother of two boys and their future, they might copy what they see. To be good people later to others, show them how they should love. Break the curse.

  4. Ever since I caught my man jacking off to lil 20 year olds on porn and having all kinds of females on his social media he is now really distant and no affection i don’t know what to do?

  5. My 51 year old partner has changed so much ! We have been in a relationship for 9 years and he has gone from a affectionate partner to a partner that I have no idea who he is !! He locks him self in the spare bedroom , dosnt smoke, has no personality , has no friends , shows no emotions , very cold , distant partner . He blames me for everything when we have fight . He ignores me all the time . What Dan I do ? Do I end it ? Ad its really is effecting my health . Please help

  6. My 51 year old partner has changed so much ! We have been in a relationship for 9 years and he has gone from a affectionate partner to a partner that I have no idea who he is !! He locks him self in the spare bedroom , dosnt smile , has no personality , has no friends , shows no emotions , very cold , distant partner . He blames me for everything when we have fight . He ignores me all the time . What Dan I do ? Do I end it ? Ad its really is effecting my health . Please help

  7. I am going through the same thing. I been with my man 21 years. And last year he changed. The affection stopped the cuddling he always on his phone playing pool. When I am naked he don’t even pay at to me he still focus on that pool. He works full time and so do I. We have not had sex since my birthday January 16th. I feel so alone. I admit O came off on him at times wondering why I am not getting sex or affection from him. Then he will get defensive so I left it alone. I am not happy anymore. I just want to be happy. He pay the mortgage and other things need. It seems like since he took over the rent he changed. Why I say this is because for 15 of those years we been together I paid alll the bills because I worked and he helped with kids while I was working. As if I need him but I don’t. He didn’t say it but his actions shows it. He think because we have a conversation and I laughed that I am alright but deep down I am not. I don’t mention how he makes me feel because all he gone say is “ make the first move but the thing is I am so use to him giving me the affection and I return the favor that I can’t make the first move because 20 years I am use to him giving me the affection (if that makes sense) I missed him playing with my butt when I sleep. Telling me I-am beautiful. I am to the point where I want to step out of this relationship. Tired on feeling lonely. He a great provider but not a great relationship. I hate I feel this way😓😓😥😥😥

  8. Yes, I’m 69. Married for 20 years now. My husband is a sweet loving person with a heart of gold. We both love same things. We both adapted to each others likes and dislikes. But we don’t have any affectionate love, no sex, no touching. We do sleep together, hold hands when out. I don’t know what the issue may be but know he loves me, no interest in other women, and even do lots of stuff together. I wish I knew the problem, but I do take the positive about him over this issue. He could be an alcololic, he could be a gambler, he could even be a smoker, but none of these. Just wish he was more affectionate and a sex partner, but I merely have to go on with knowing the man I am married to cares.

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Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and social psychology bestseller author from the Netherlands.  He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle.

Hi, I’m Tim Veninga. Since 2008 I’ve been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives.

For years I’ve only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it.

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