Is He Still In Love With His Ex? 7 Signs He Is NOT Over Her

Is He Still In Love With His Ex? 7 Signs He Is NOT Over Her

Signs He Is Still In Love With His Ex

In this article you will learn:

  • The clear answer to your question, “Is he still in love with his ex?
  • Evident signs that he does miss his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, and the best action to take when a guy talks about his ex to you.
  • Why your man might still be thinking about his ex, and why this often is something positive.
  • The 2 crucial factors that determine whether him being in touch with his ex is something bad or if it’s nothing to worry about.
  • The 7 red flags that tell you if your boyfriend or husband has not let go of his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife yet.

How to find out if he still has feelings for his ex – even if he doesn’t want to admit it

Signs He is NOT Over his exI recently received a question to which I, unfortunately, had to give a very simple answer. One woman asked me:

“I’m right now in a relationship with a man. We began seeing each other after he broke up with his ex-girlfriend only three months earlier. I’m wondering, Is he still thinking about his ex?”

And like I said, I had to give a simple answer:

“Yeah, he’s still thinking about his ex.”

And to clarify my answer a little bit…

Does he still love his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife?”


That’s something you need to understand, and I think you’ll realize it when you look at the situation yourself.

Because here’s the thing. When you’ve had a long relationship with someone, and the relationship suddenly ends… Of course, your feelings for that person don’t suddenly just go away after a couple of months.

Even though he might say things like:

  • “I hate her.”
  • “I don’t have any feelings for her anymore.”
  • Or my personal favorite “Yeah… well…  the relationship wasn’t working for a long time anyway, so I’m long over it.”

This is something he says purely to keep you from feeling insecure.

He knows that you love to hear this, so that’s why he says it.

But going back to the question:

Yeah, he’s still thinking about his ex. And yes, he probably loves her, too.

But the fact that he still thinks about her, and that he still loves his ex, does NOT mean that he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

And it DOESN’T mean that he wants to go back together with her either.

Because as a human being, you can’t forget someone you’ve loved just like 1…2…3.

And somewhere I doubt whether that was actually the question she meant to ask.

So perhaps I’m going to do something very manly and stupid: answering a question that hasn’t been asked to me at all.

I think the woman who e-mailed me actually meant to ask the following:

  • Is he over his ex yet? And if he still misses and loves his ex, what do I do?
  • What if my boyfriend or husband still loves his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, but loves me too? Wouldn’t he rather be with her?
  • Does he still think of her, and does he find her more important than me?

In other words…

“How can you tell if a man is really over his ex? Or that a guy still has one foot in the old relationship and one foot in the new relationship?”

Here are the 7 signs that he’s still in love with his ex, and that he’s NOT over her.

1. He hasn’t cleaned up her stuff yet

He hasn't cleaned up her stuff yet

Suppose her stuff is stacked in boxes in the aisle. That’s not such a big deal and nothing to worry about.

But if there are still things from her laying around, that’s often because he hasn’t fully processed the whole breakup situation yet.

If that’s a bad thing? No, not necessarily.

A break-up is very similar to the mourning process: someone ‘loses’ a loved one or a lover.

And you can see that people who lose a loved one, usually leave their belongings in the house, so it feels like that person is still there.

This is human and often part of someone’s grieving process.

Therefore, if your boyfriend or partner still has some stuff from his ex laying around here and there, it’s a clear sign that he misses his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend.

2. He’s revisiting old memories

He's revisiting old memories

I hope this isn’t the case with you, but perhaps he keeps bringing up things like:

“I remember when  (name of his ex) and I were in Paris. First, we went here, and then we did this… “

Well, this could happen occasionally, by mistake.

(Which doesn’t change the fact that it’s super uncomfortable for you.)

What it means if he talks about his ex wife/girlfriend a lot

When a guy talks about his ex to you, it sometimes just means that he was clumsy and made a mistake. Men most of the time don’t do it on purpose.

But if constantly brings up old memories of him and his ex, that’s a very bad sign.


In sign #6 I’ll explain how you can prevent him from saying these kinds of things in the future.

3. He systematically does all the right things

He systematically does all the right things
A man who systematically does all the right things has likely done the exact same thing with other women in the past.

For the third sign, I need a little bit of your female intuition. But I know that as a woman, you can often assess this very well.

Let’s suppose you just entered into a relationship with a guy who seems to be doing all the right things, such as:

  • He’s sweet and caring
  • He says all the nice things that you want to hear
  • He’s fully focused on you when you’re intimate

It’s as if he ‘routinely’ does all the right things.

Almost like he’s playing some kind of role where he’s doing everything right

And in the meantime, you can tell that he’s not one hundred percent there.

It’s like he treats you as if you were his girlfriend, but you can tell that he’s not one hundred percent present in the situation.

If a guy does this to you, it’s not a good sign. Because then chances are that he is using you as a replacement for his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.

And does everything he used to with his ex

  • He probably takes you to the same restaurants
  • Takes you on the same walks or venues for dates
  • Gives you the same compliments
  • And so on…

So he does everything exactly the way it was but he’s only replaced the woman.

And that’s, of course, a very painful realization.

But unfortunately, it’s something that happens more often than you think, as I’ve heard a lot of men and women describe similar situations.

Anyway, if you feel that he’s doing this to you, it’s a very clear sign that he’s not completely over his ex.

4. He gets upset when his ex is dating someone new

He gets upset when his ex is dating someone new

I got an e-mail the other day from a woman who said:

“I’ve been with a man for six months now. He just got out of a two-year marriage and I was single for a while.

At the beginning of the relationship, this caused a lot of hassle. He still had feelings for his ex. Well, I thought it was heading in the right direction, but lately, he’s been very depressed. Why I don’t know exactly. He did tell me the other day that his ex was dating someone new, and that he was happy for her.

Could it be that this has something to do with it? I think my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex”

Let’s cut to the chase:

“Yeah, this certainly has something to do with it.”

When a guy feels depressed the minute his ex is dating someone, I guarantee that’s one hundred percent a sign that he’s not over her yet.

This is a typical case of jealousy

But as you may know, men are just like children when it comes to jealousy: it doesn’t take much to make them jealous.

So the fact that he’s depressed doesn’t really mean that much yet.

But how long he’s being depressed is much more important.

If a guy is sad for a day, it’s not a big deal. But what if it goes on for a week or more? Yeah, then it’s obvious he’s still not over her.

5. He’s still talking to his ex

He's still talking to his ex

Before you assume the worst: if he still talks to his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, that’s not necessarily bad.

Contact is a broad concept.

A message on Facebook? That’s contact. Weekly meetings? That’s contact.

All right. You get the point.

At which point is him talking to his ex too much?

To figure out if he’s not over his ex, there are two things you should consider:

  1. Why is he still in touch with her?
  2. How much contact does he have with her, and in what way?

These two things are crucial.

Suppose he has children with her. He sends her a daily message (one type of contact) to ask how the children are doing (why).

Well, then you can’t blame him.

In this case, you should be happy that he’s being a good father.

But suppose their relationship ended one year ago. You live in one city and she lives in another. But they still text each other often (he won’t block her) and occasionally meet with each other (she won’t leave him alone?).

Yeah, then it’s too much

And even if he says: ”We’re just friends”, you have every right to let him choose between you and her.

At least if it bothers you.

Then ask yourself why they’re still in touch, and find out how often and in what way they have contact.
And if you don’t like this for whatever reason, it’s a very bad sign.

If your boyfriend talks to his ex behind your back

There are two types of instances that would be aggravating factors. If you find out that he’s doing any of these two, it means that he’s definitely not over her.

  1. He’s lying about it
  2. He’s texting or contacting her behind your back.

If you notice any of these, then you can be sure that he still likely has feelings for her, and might even consider getting back together with her.

6. He compares you to her

He compares you to her“Oh, but… (name of his ex)… did it like this.”

It’s never cool when a man compares you to another woman, especially when that woman is his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.

That’s just painful.

But it’s good to know that men often don’t do this on purpose. No sane man wants to make his girlfriend insecure.

Then why is he doing this?

You’re not gonna like the answer to that question…

He does this because he’s still thinking of his ex.

The fact that he’s talking about her simply means that she’s on his mind.

It’s as simple as one plus one equals two.

Every time he talks about her, he thinks about her.

In short, he hasn’t fully processed the whole situation yet.

Bonus tip: Describe how you feel about this

I sometimes find it hard to admit, but men are incredibly stupid and especially when it comes to non-verbal signs.

So suppose that he compares you to his ex, and he doesn’t realize that he’s hurting you? Then tell him!

Let him know how you feel, the moment he does it.

Because I sincerely believe that he’s got your best interests at heart.

However, men rarely understand the impact of certain actions, that’s why they sometimes send you mixed signals.

And it’s up to you to make him aware of this 😉

7. He hasn’t yet introduced you to his family and friends

He hasn't yet introduced you to his family and friends

And I don’t mean after the first two months. But if you’re a year down the line and he still hasn’t introduced you to his friends and family?

Yeah, then there’s really something going on. He might be afraid to commit.

In which case, you can read here how to best deal with that.

After all, it’s when a man introduces his new girlfriend to his closest ones that he ‘officially’ replaces his ex.

So if he doesn’t do this, it means:

  1. He’s not one hundred percent committed to the relationship.
  2. It’s also true that within his social circle, he now keeps the door open to get back with his ex.

He can now go to a family birthday, without the situation becoming uncomfortable since he hasn’t introduced them to anyone else in the meantime.

So if he’s not willing to introduce you yet, it really means that he’s not ready to replace her yet. And that he’s actually having some kind of backup, so he can get back with his ex.

Disclaimer: Given that you’ve been dating for longer than a few months. 

What it means if you notice a couple of these signs

If you recognize some of these signs, and you’ve only been dating for a few months, then there isn’t much cause for concern.

Just give it some time.

It doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad.

It’s stupid that people often think rebound relationships (you know, when someone moves quickly from one relationship to the next) are bad by definition.

Scientific research shows that it makes NO difference at all

You can read all about it here if you don’t believe me.

So don’t take it so hard if he’s not quite over his ex yet. You just started dating.

It would be more worrying if he would instantly forget about her.

Because those men are much more dangerous. Those guys can distance themselves from a woman without giving a damn.

So again, just give it some time. But don’t settle for a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship with him.



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Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is the head coach of Change Him. In The Netherlands more than 155.000 women follow his advice. He has been featured in numerous Dutch media and magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.
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15 thoughts on “Is He Still In Love With His Ex? 7 Signs He Is NOT Over Her”

  1. Christine burgin

    So wot if I said that I now ur doing some think with ur ex he turns round and says it irrelevant to me as he’s smirking is that a red flag

  2. i was with a man he was only married four years has been divorced 12 when i met him i lived with him for two years he hide all his contact with ex wife from me lie right to my face that he does not talk to her or text it was only her texting and calling him but he would talk to her when i was not home or when he was on the train coming home from work i would ask him nicely and he would tell me she only textes me about his kids she lived out of state his kids are young adults now he still thinks they are babys i quess but i have never heard a man to have such a close relationship with a ex who left him he would go on family vacation share a hotel room when i was with him weird he would stay at her house when he would go to see his kids and the real thing that i did not think about this man had no relationship since his divorce to me i think him and his ex still treat each other as husband and wife im sure they sleeped together when he went to her house we went out for sereral years after high school so i quess he used me and only loved his ex wife he gives her anything she wants money and he has alot of money i think he is only seperated from her i brought up marriage he did not want to marry me his ex wife is secretly on his benifits everything else and he would tell his friends i was his soulmate and before i left him he would tell me he has to get away from her to me this man is to broken to fix its one thing to be friendly to a ex but i think he was little too much its been a year now im still a little hurt that someone can make the whole relationship all lies

  3. Is that normal with your boyfriend and his ex wife still go hang out with his ex wife.
    He said it’s normal because of his son that’s why he need to communicate..

  4. He has custudy of his kids but eveytine he sees her he gets into his feelings and barelly talk to me just text me if im ik what do i do?

  5. I have been with my boyfriend for 8years now we still live separately he said he likes the way things are he’s ex keeps asking him to do jobs around her house for her and he does it iam very uncomfortable with this but he says she has my kids so I will do things for her there kids are all grown up now and have there own lives he doesn’t care that iam upset about it he has become very distant with me he always want me to spend money on him it’s always about him he doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him iam at a dead end can’t do this anymore iv had enough

  6. So I’m dating this guy who is still best-friend with his ex-gf. Well his excuse they have a business together and he said they end up relationship with a good terms, I sometimes feel compared to her, I heard so many stories about her… otherwise he actually introduce me to his family, friends … everyone and still don’t want to Lebel us. It is almost a year and I come up to conclusion where I need to find my life and go away… I love this person and I know he loves me back… but I think he is not over his ex and he doesn’t want to talk about .

  7. I’ve been with my boyfriend little over a year and a half. His ex wife bought the house next door. He was unhappy she didn’t say anything. So I started talking to him about it and he said he doesn’t want me to talk about her anymore. They have children together . But it’s been very weird lately with how his son been acting towards me. And how he runs to her pic . He’s never done that before. I told my bf he told me he misses his mom. I’ve never had a problem before until she doughty the house next door. Now everything we drive by her house he stares. And if she out side he looks in his side mirror. He doesn’t need his side mirror to get out of our area. One night we had some drinks . I didn’t want any. I went to bed. He said he ordered for and will wake me for it. I said no I’m good. But he did! Food arrived and he came and got me. I ate a little wasn’t really hungry. He said he put stuff away and come to bed. He didn’t he went over to his ex house and told me I pushed him in to do it. Because I kept talking about his ex. He said he only stayed for a half a smoke. And he literally talked about me the whole time. I was mad! He said he felt bad for doing it. I smoke in the garage . I hear his ex talking sometimes. I’ll tell my bf. Then I don’t hear anything anymore. Idk but deep down I know there something going on. I talk to friends about it and they all have there thoughts of the matter. But they all different!!

  8. rather not say

    he started dating me when he still liked her/had a thing for her. he also told me that he would have dreams about her every night and would think about her 24/7 and still cry about her when we began to go out w each other. we’ve been dating for just about 5 months now and he talks to her sometimes and brings her up from time to time knowing it bothers me. he said he loved her but does this mean he still does? what should I do? help!

  9. He has new girl on his Facebook but he said dont mean nothing he call me still because he care for me…tell me he trying get married I ask him too who he says I need figure it out why is he calling me still.

  10. me and my bf are almost 3 years together it feels like he’s not over hes ex he even made an fake Instagram account just to follow her he likes all her pics and who know he might have message her ?because he has done it in the past
    I just found out that he talked to hes mom about her and that she blocked him witch means their were in contacted
    I live with hes mom and I don’t know what to do

  11. So the guy I’ve been with we’ve been together on and off for about seven years and it didn’t start so well I was separated from my husband and he was separated from his wife and well we moved a little bit too quickly and things got complicated and we had a kid and I was still going through a divorce he was already divorced at that moment but the drugs got in the way and I couldn’t do it anymore when I found out I was pregnant I love them I moved to a different state with my family he wanted me to come back and did I mention he tried to go back to his ex-wife who he was with for 26 years and she didn’t want them she was moving to be with somebody else she’s now married and we’ve tried to make it work but their relationship their friendship has always been in the way of us progressing for my insecurities and him going back-and-forth with her in the past so I’ve lost a little bit of trust and I’ve tried it’s hard for me to be a woman of understanding when he talks to her likeA friend and we’ve had is just so many problems that we’ve lost that because of all the trust issues and betrayal in the past and I for gave him but it’s just been really hard to forget and it’s really affected our family with my daughter and now he says he can’t do it anymore and while we were hardly talk I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know where to begin because we’ve been through this so many times I think it’s time to go our separate ways but I really want to try for my daughter and I just don’t know how to let go Yes I forgot to mention that they have kids together no younger than 13 and 24 and our daughter is 3

  12. Thanks Tim for this, i was going to roast my boyfriend tonight and probably even break up but after this article i think i might give him more time. we have been dating for just a little over a month.

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