In this article, you will learn:
- The answer to your question, “Is he cheating on me or am I paranoid?“.
- Insights into the mind of the cheating man, and how he keeps his infidelity a secret from you.
- Why him being distant doesn’t necessarily mean that he is committing adultery – and why other signs are much more reliable.
- The 27 most common signs of a cheating husband or boyfriend (the answers will surprise you).
- How your bank statements can reveal if your man is unfaithful (even if there’s nothing suspicious displayed).
- And much more…
How to find out if he’s cheating on you
As human beings, we overestimate ourselves.
If we cheat, we think we can hide it like we’re James Bond, and that our partner will never find out.
If we’re in a relationship, we think we’ll always know when someone is unfaithful to us, whether it’s emotional or physical. It doesn’t matter if it happens during a holiday with an ex, if the perpetrator denies it, or whether it happens to a family member.
We always assume we will be able to tell what’s going on behind our backs.
I’ve heard the most extreme stories come up during my time as a dating coach. Cheating is more common than you think. The statistics vary a lot, so I’ll save you the time. It’s about 46.1%. Those are some pretty extreme numbers. With that said, there’s a good chance that one of the two people in a relationship is cheating.
It could be a because of a few things (as you can learn more in-depth in the article above), but let me tell you a story.
“Meet John and Sylvie.” (made-up names)
John and Sylvie had a relationship for four years. But Sylvie started to suspect John of cheating. She had read on several websites that when a guy becomes distant, this is a sign that he’s cheating. So she channeled her inner detective to find out if John was being unfaithful.
When that didn’t lead to anything, she decided to confront him about it. Over time, it became too much for John. Not because he was cheating, but because Sylvie’s paranoia eventually took its toll on him.
I can tell you the relationship didn’t end well.
And you know what the weird thing is?
Him becoming distant is not an indication of him being unfaithful
This is unfounded advice that you can read everywhere. But if you ask couples where the guy cheated (if he became distant when it happened), then in most cases, he didn’t actually cheat.
So, how can you tell if your partner or spouse is unfaithful to you? I’ll go into that in the 27 most common signs below.
I’ve discovered them in my work as a dating coach and with scientific insights from my 12 years of experience in the field, and working with thousands of men and women.
“Oh, and before we get into it.”
I don’t think you are paranoid for thinking he cheated on you. That’s rarely the case.
If your partner shows one or two of the signs below, then there isn’t much to worry about. That was a mistake Sylvie made as well, along with many other women. You can’t make a clear decision about someone based on just one type of behavior.
You need several of them. If you notice that you can tick off many signs on this list from your partner, then it’s time to keep an eye on what’s going on. And start talking with each other.
Let’s get into it…
The 27 signs of a cheating husband, boyfriend or partner in a relationship.
Sign #1: He guards his phone like a hawk
In the past, when things were better, he didn’t care where his phone was. He could be separated from the device for a long time, and leave it in all kinds of places.
Nowadays it’s different — his phone’s taped to the hand, or always in his pocket.
Do you notice that he has become a lot more careful and treats his phone as if it was a secret vault?
Then you can be sure that it’s something there that he doesn’t want you to see.
And note: it’s all about a changed behavior. If he’s always been like this, you don’t have to worry. But have you suddenly noticed a change in him? Then it’s something you should definitely pay attention to.
Sign #2: He becomes fashion-oriented
When a man is cheating, several noteworthy things happen.
His mistress may encourage him to pay more attention to his looks.
And when he suddenly comes home with a new hairstyle, after he has had the same haircut for ten years, it’s somewhat suspicious.
Or is he wearing new clothes, or coming home with a new “modern” frame for his glasses? And is this all happening one after the other? Oops.
Mistresses are good for one thing: they can make a taken man become fashion-oriented.
Sign #3: He shows macho behavior
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’re probably taking each other for granted.
And you’re not the only one. It happens automatically when you’re in a relationship for a longer period of time.
But if there’s suddenly another woman involved, then his masculinity will get stimulated. And he would get the desire to impress her.
He might suddenly look himself in the mirror and realize that he’s overweight and that his only form of exercise has been to walk from the couch to the fridge.
And with his new stimuli, he might decide out of nowhere that he wants to get rid of that belly, drink fewer beer cans, go to the gym, or just do a few sit-ups in the living room.
He is doing that because he wants to impress his new woman. If his new behavior came out of nowhere, of course. But if he just wants to live a healthy life, I can only applaud him. Because you know I’m a huge fan of sports and exercise.
Sign #4: He goes to bed ten minutes later than you
Look. For years I’ve been coaching men and women who’s been in love. So, unfortunately, I’ve had to hear a lot about unfaithfulness and how that ends.
Once I listened to a woman whose husband had an affair, and she told me this:
“Yeah, about half a year ago, he suddenly started going to bed ten minutes after me. It happened every night, and it came out of nowhere. Normally we used to go upstairs together, but now that’s over. Usually, he had some kind of lousy excuse. He had something to finish or needed to drink a cup of tea. But in hindsight, I realize that this was the moment he texted the other woman. How nice.”
What happens in such a case, is that her husband wanted a moment for himself before going to bed. Likely to text or call with the woman he’s seeing on the side.
Unless he has always done it for as long as you’ve known each other, then, there’s nothing wrong.
But is there a sudden change in behavior? That’s not a good sign.
Sign #5: He withdraws cash – and is secretive about what he spends it on
Men aren’t stupid. At least, most of them.
If we’re cheating on someone, we’re subtle enough to cover our tracks. Suppose we decide to take our new affair to a restaurant. Then it’s not wise to pay that from our shared bank account. You’ll see that on the bank statements. And, of course, we don’t want that.
So the cheating guy withdraws money from the ATM so that gifts, dinners, and everything else can get paid with that.
Is your husband suddenly walking around with a pile of cash in his pocket? Or does he make cash withdrawals without telling you what it’s for? And gives you weak answers when you ask him about it?
Then it’s not a good sign.
Sign #6: He has longer working hours
He may be swamped in work. But is it happening more often, without any clear explanation? And does his absence go together with other signs in this list?
Some things he may say is that he has to do extra work for his boss, or that he is required to work overtime for a specific project. Working overtime is the standard excuse of the cheater.
Sign #7: He’s going on a trip
When he never did this before. Whether it’s on a business trip or him going away with friends (who may be part of the conspiracy and will hide his infidelity if they’re asked about it).
It’s worth noticing.
Sign #8: He smells nicer
Men usually realize that if they have sex with another woman, they will carry their scent with them.
Not exactly practical if you go to bed with your girlfriend afterward.
That’s why most cheating men take a shower before they get into bed with their woman.
Usually, you’re happy with that, a man who’s clean and smells good. But in this case, I can imagine you wouldn’t like it that much.
So think back to when he comes home these days.. Does he run to the shower immediately? Without barely even saying “hi?”
Then this is an indication that he’s having an affair.
He immediately wants to get rid of the smell that he brought home with him.
Sign #9: He is more attentive and sweeter to you
Many women think that when a man cheats, he’ll become more distant.
But that’s mostly never the case. If you talk to couples where the man was unfaithful, the opposite is almost always true.
In fact, by the time that the affair began, he actually became sweeter to his wife and more attentive.
He may have suddenly have started buying her presents and listening to her better.
So pay attention to this…
The reason for this is twofold. On the one hand, hormones are rushing through his body that makes him feel more masculine and more likely to get into a romantic mood.
And on the other hand, he feels guilty and wants to make up for his adultery by treating her better.
Sign #10: He puts passwords and locks everywhere
- Have you tried to use his computer and suddenly there is a request to enter a password, that wasn’t there before?
- Does his old phone pincode not work anymore, or suddenly it requires facial recognition?
- Or did he suddenly completely seal off the glove compartment in the car?
With any one of these it’s very likely he has something to hide.
Sign #11: He goes out more often with his friends
Maybe he goes out for a night out more regularly than usual. But he is not going to hang out with his friends, instead he uses this as an excuse to see his mistress.
Sign #12: He keeps track of where you are before he goes out
Suppose you’re a man who’s cheating on his wife. Then, obviously, you don’t want to run into her while you’re having dinner with the other woman.
So you look at her calendar. Or ask what she’s planning to do, pretending to be half-interested.
The result? He can anticipate where she is and can plan where he’s not going to be.
Sign #13: The way he talks about his life has changed
Let’s assume that he usually talks a lot about his work. And now he comes up with half-baked answers about specific details. For example, who he works with, how often, and when.
He might be doing this to hide the affair.
Sign #14: You come home to a clean house
When a man cheats in his own house, he naturally doesn’t want to leave any traces left behind.
In such a case, he will vacuum clean to get rid of all hairs lying around, and wash up all the dishes with lipsticks on them. He will try to get rid of all signs that another woman has been there. Try is the keyword here. We men are bad at cleaning. It’s not in our genes. We all think we can get away with it like James Bond, but it’s not the case.
If your husband usually never cleaned up anything in his whole life, but now seems to have picked up a new cleaning habit, then this is a sign to take note of.
Sign #15: He leaves the room to make undisturbed phone calls
Is your husband old fashioned? Is he still making phone calls instead of sending messages through Facebook or WhatsApp?
I recently spoke to an older woman whose husband was cheating on her. She told me that he was often looking for an isolated room where he could make private phone calls. Every time he said it was to someone that he needed to speak with discreetly. And one time he said he called his brother, but when she asked his brother about this the next day, it turned out to be a lie. And that’s how she exposed him.
If this is something that happens more often, then it’s not a good sign. Making phone calls is so old-fashioned that hardly anyone does it anymore. And if he always does it in private, then it definitely brings some suspicion.
Sign #16: He erases all kinds of digital tracks
If you happen to sit behind his laptop,
- Can you notice that nothing comes up in his browsing history?
- Or maybe you see that some of his Facebook or Whatsapp messages are missing?
If you notice that he deletes conversations, or find empty spots in chat dialogs with other women, then it’s just is a weak attempt by him to cover his tracks.
Sign #17: He has multiple social media accounts
If you are on Facebook and you suddenly see your man under “people you may know”, but under a different name, when you already have him as a friend under his real name…
…Then there’s something going on, and he may be using that other account to communicate with other women.
The same is true for mobile phones. Does he have two of them? Does he use the other one to keep his work and personal life separated?
Sign #18: He wants to spend more time alone
Even though he’s kind to you and has become more attentive lately, when he asks for more “me time,” it be may smart to ask what he is spending it on.
Sign #19: He talks about other women in his sleep
This one seems pretty clear to me.
Sign #20: When talking about adultery, he gets restless or rude
Suppose you mention unfaithfulness calmly to him, and you notice that your man is looking distressed. It seems like he’s feeling caught.
Another way he might react is by being outraged, defensive, and rebellious. Anything that shows any tension may indicate signs that he is cheating on you.
Sign #21: He is more intimate with you
Variety is the spice of life. If he has sex with another woman, his sex drive will increase. The result? When he comes home to you, he’s more in need of sex.
Has he become different in bed? Maybe learned a few new things? Do you notice that he’s behaving differently? More masculine?
All indications that there’s another woman involved.
Sign #22: Friends report having seen him with another woman
It makes sense for him to keep an eye on where you are before he meets up with another woman. But he can’t keep an eye on every one of your friends. If he is in town with his mistress and one of your friends sees them walking together…
Then there’s a chance this information will find its way back to you.
Sign #23: He has a new outdoor hobby
Did your husband usually just watch cartoons on the couch, preferably in his Batman underwear?
And out of nowhere, he has started going hunting, or fishing with the guys, and is gone for an entire day.
It could just be that he was very bored and felt that he had to get out of the house, but it could also be something else entirely.
Sign #24: The mileage of the car is not correct
Suppose he says that he drives to work and back home in about an hour.
And later you read the mileage in his car, and notice there have been 200 miles added instead of the expected 40.
Well then it’s clear he drove somewhere else, perhaps to see his mistress 80 miles away.
Sign #25: He receives strange gifts from friends
Particularly gifts like perfume and jewelry are extra suspicious because that’s something men never give each other.
Anything new and unusual that he wears is a reason for suspicion.
Sign #26: He stops talking about a specific person
Suppose he spoke a lot about a new, female colleague who just started working at his department.
He told several stories about her and how well she fits into the team.
Then one day to the next, you stop hearing those stories.
It wouldn’t be wise for him to sleep with her, and then brief you on everything she does.
Besides, it’s difficult to talk objectively about someone with whom you have a sexual relationship with. Especially to your girlfriend.
Sign #27: He uses words and phrases you’ve never heard before
When we become close to someone, we adopt certain things.
Do you notice that your boyfriend suddenly uses other words or makes jokes, unlike him?
Then there’s a chance he’s picked this up elsewhere. People who spend a lot of time together acquire each other’s languages.
So that’s why this can play a part when your husband’s cheating on you.
Introducing the 6 point system (and what it means if you can recognize several of the signs)
The signs below are considered weak, and therefore only worth 1 point.
- Sign #2: He becomes fashion-oriented
- Sign #3: He shows macho behavior
- Sign #6: He has longer working hours
- Sign #7: He’s going on a trip
- Sign #8: He smells nicer
- Sign #9: He is more attentive and sweeter to you
- Sign #11: He goes out more often with his friends
- Sign #13: The way he talks about his life has changed
- Sign #21: He is more intimate with you
- Sign #26: He stops talking about a specific person
- Sign #27: He uses words and phrases you’ve never heard before
These are a bit more suspicious and worth 2 points:
- Sign #12: He keeps track of where you are before he goes out
- Sign #14: You come home to a clean house
- Sign #20: When talking about adultery, he gets restless or rude
- Sign #23: He has a new outdoor hobby
These signs are red flags and worth 3 points (and for good reason.) If you can recognize more than one of these in your man, it’s very bad.
- Sign #1: He guards his phone like a hawk
- Sign #4: He goes to bed ten minutes later than you
- Sign #5: He withdraws cash – and is secretive about what he spends it on
- Sign #10: He puts passwords and locks everywhere
- Sign #15: He leaves the room to make undisturbed phone calls
- Sign #16: He erases all kinds of digital tracks
- Sign #17: He has multiple social media accounts
- Sign #18: He wants to spend more time alone
- Sign #19: He talks about other women in his sleep
- Sign #22: Friends report having seen him with another woman
- Sign #24: The mileage of the car is not correct
- Sign #25: He receives strange gifts from friends
If you have 6 points or more, something is definitely up and you should talk to your man about it.
If your suspicions, unfortunately, turn out to be confirmed, you can read here how to handle a cheating man.
I, of course, hope that’s not the case. You deserve better than that.
PS: Infidelity doesn’t always have to be the end of the relationship. There are ways to move past it and have a successful relationship after adultery.