In this article you will learn:
- The clear answer to your question: “Is he a player or genuinely interested in me?“
- How to tell if a guy is playing you without ever planning on committing.
- Secret information inside the mind of players or womanizers and how they trick you into sleeping with them.
- How to play the player and beat him at his own game.
- Why many players are often deeply insecure underneath the fasad.
“I heard you were a player, OK, let’s play a game. We’ll flirt, fight playfully, talk 24/7, say good morning and good night every day, give each other nicknames, hang out, talk on the phone for hours, take cute pictures together, make promises to each other and hold each other. And whoever falls in love first, loses.”
Lyla Tyela Belikov
How to immediately know if he is a player – even when he doesn’t want you to find out…
You’re dating a man. He’s cute, charming and knows exactly what to say and do to wrap you around his finger. But you have a bad feeling about him.
You’re afraid that he’s a player or womanizer. Or another way to rephrase that question,
“Is he a player or is he serious?”
And you know what?
Practically all women are afraid that the guy they’re dating is a player. That he is not serious.
If you are curious as to why women are even attracted to these kinds of men, you can read more about that here.
Women are terrified of being used, led on or played by a man.
Now, I don’t think that’s a very healthy way of thinking. I’d always advise everyone to be open-minded when it comes to a new relationship.
Moreover, it is a shame to allow your current relationship to be influenced because you’re afraid you may get hurt in the future. Besides, fortunately very few men are “genuinely bad” or have “Don Juan or Casanova syndrome”, and are actually real players.
But having said that, I don’t want to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist and that it’s all just sunshine and roses.
That is why I will in this blog give you 20 warning signs that you can use to see whether he is a player or not. Or if he is just pretending.
Here we go…
Here are the 20 signs to tell if he is a player
1. He’s very nice to you in private, but he doesn’t try as hard in public
Players are great at playing the sweet, affectionate man when you’re together, but in public, he’s more distant and less tender. Bad guys want to look single – or at least not too lovey-dovey – in a relationship.
He may also be nervous about running into one of his other partners that he’s seeing. It doesn’t matter if it’s on the street or at an event.
If there’s a big difference between his private and public behavior, then this is a sign that he is not right for you. The only reason he’s doing that is because he has something to hide.
2. He guards his phone like a hawk
This is still the absolute best way to recognize a player and/or cheater. If he never leaves his phone lying around and/or has a security code that he always enters in such a way that you can’t see it, then that’s a bad sign.
If he turns his phone away when he reads a message, you can assume there’s something wrong. Some guys even go so far as to turn their phone off when they’re near you, or they even bring a second phone with them that’s clean.
Bonus tip: If you often hear his phone vibrate late in the evening, it’s not a good sign. Friends usually don’t text around 11:30 pm to say goodnight.
If you’re still frequently going out to bars and nightclubs every week, the following is crucial to you:
3. He keeps track of where you are and never goes to the same venue
This is always a funny remark that I hear from a lot of women when they’re dealing with a player:
He’s rarely available on Saturdays and always “accidentally” goes to a different venue than you are.
He will often send you a message on Saturdays asking you where you’re going and what your plans are. Sounds like he is doing it out of interest? In reality, it’s to make sure he doesn’t bump into you unexpectedly.
Why wouldn’t he want to bump into you out of the blue? There are two possibilities.
- He doesn’t want to go out with you because he’s with another woman.
- He wants to hit on other women one night, and you can get in the way of that.
Conclusion? An excellent way to see if he is a player or not.
4. He’s more distant towards you when there are other women around
I assume this is self-explanatory, but I’ll mention it just to be sure. If he’s more distant when other women are around, then this isn’t a good sign.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants something from them, but a player is simply a player, and it’s in his nature to flirt with women.
Please note, this can be very subtle. I’ve seen men quietly flirting with other women while holding their girlfriend’s hand.
So it’s not that he’s one hundred percent distant, but at least he doesn’t make it crystal clear that he’s madly in love with you.
5. He’s suspicious of you
Do you know the saying “ill-doers are ill-dreamers”?
It can be an excellent way to recognize a player.
People tend to think that the whole world is like them.
Selfish people believe that everyone only cares about themselves.
The same goes for players. And what’s one of the characteristics of a man who is never going to settle for just one woman? Jealousy.
Not only is he jealous, but he doesn’t trust you either. He always thinks you’re lying or fooling him.
He thinks – and sincerely believes – that lying and cheating is normal. That’s why he does it himself, and that’s why he doesn’t trust you.
6. He doesn’t have time for you on the weekends
He always likes to meet you on quiet evenings. On a Tuesday night when he has nothing (or, nobody) better to do, then he wants to see you.
Preferably after 9 pm. Because then he has to spend as little time with you as possible before going to sleep.
He never has time on Fridays or Saturdays.
Simply because then he wants to go out with his friends and meet other women. These two nights are the most important ones in the player’s/womanizer’s life.
7. He tells you very little about what he does when he’s not with you
If you ask him what his weekend was like, he’ll respond with:
“It was good, I had a nice time.”
He never goes into detail about what he does when he’s not with you. He can’t do this either. The time when he is not with you, he is usually spending with other women. So he can’t say anything about it.
Most men are not very talkative, but if he can’t come up with anything to say. This is something you should make a mental note of.
It might indicate that he is not serious about you and only playing…
8. He’s got a lot of exes
Does he have a high number of exes?
Preferably also exes with whom he’s “supposedly” still good friends with?
Then all your alarm bells should be ringing.
Players are often very good at getting into relationships, but notably worse at staying in them. So they spend their whole lives jumping from one relationship to another.
These relationships often overlap with each other.
9. He pays a lot of attention to his appearance
Does he think the way he looks is overly important? Does he pay more attention to his looks than you do when you leave the house together?
In the book Warning Signs, the authors explain that cheating men often suddenly pay more attention to their appearance.
That’s because when men feel available or are hunting for women, they do their best to look good.
So take note, and see if he is doing this. Especially if he doesn’t do it when you’re together, but only when he leaves the house. A player sees every moment in public as an opportunity to meet new women.
10. He doesn’t introduce you to his parents or friends
He doesn’t introduce you to his parents and/or friends? In the first few months of a relationship, that’s not crazy and rather normal. But if you’ve been dating for more than half a year, it gets a little more serious.
These are the main reasons why womanizers want to avoid this:
1. There’s another woman he has introduced to his parents.
2. He only uses you for sex, so why would he.
3. He doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea (to keep you from thinking that you’re more than just casual).
Oh, and please note:
There is also the type of man who’ so clever that he doesn’t mind meeting your parents and friends. Even if he has multiple relationships.
Tip: by the way, this can also mean that he has commitment phobia.
11. He cheated on you
This always cracks me up a bit. Women who start a relationship with a man who’s married, or is often cheating, expect the same man to stay faithful to them.
If he then does the same thing to them as he did to his ex-wife, they’re surprised.
I’m not even going to elaborate on this because I think it’s a bit dull that I even have to explain this. I mean, you knew from the minute you met him that he was a cheater.
According to a study by Kayla Knapp at Denver University, people who’ve ever had an affair once are even 3 times more likely to cheat again.
When a relationship starts with adultery, it often ends the same way.
12. He’s vague about whether he is dating other women
This is one of the easiest signs to see that he’s a player or womanizer. He’ll never get bring up this subject himself. But if you ask him if he’s also dating other women, he gives a vague and evasive answer.
He says things like:
- I sometimes meet up with someone, but it’s not really serious.
- I meet female friends once in a while.
- In the last few weeks, I have hardly met anyone.
Or my personal favorite:
- Why do you want to know? I’m not asking you about your love life, am I?
There are two kinds of players..
The first is a small group of players who’ll 100% lie to you about this. But the vast majority and the largest group will tell half-truths because they don’t want to lie to you.
(And yes, I’m aware that the difference between really lying or telling half-lies is tiny.)
13. He doesn’t want you to leave things at his house
If you forget a shirt at his place, the next time you come by it won’t hang on the coat rack where you left it.
No, it’s neatly stored in a plastic bag or in a drawer.
He may have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder that causes him to clean up.
It’s also possible that he didn’t want to give any clues to the other women who visited after you.
14. He finds it easy to get physical with other women
Most men are not touching women very much.
The only women they touch, are their loved ones or family members with whom they’re close.
The reason men don’t do this a lot is actually pretty funny. They were brought up to be polite to women and afraid to come across as touchy and creepy.
Players, on the other hand, are so used to physical contact with women and flirting that they have a lot less trouble with it. They can carelessly put their hand on a woman’s shoulders during a conversation.
But believe me, men only do this when they have a great deal (maybe too much) of experience with women. It’s typical player behavior.
15. He speaks badly about his ex-girlfriends
This is a nice one.
Many women find it annoying when a man talks about his ex positively. In fact:
It makes them insecure when he says great things about her.
But in reality, you don’t have to be so scared of men like that.
On the other hand though…
If he is negative and speaks badly about his exes you immediately know several things about him
- Apparently, he easily gets into relationships with women (even if he doesn’t like them very much).
- He has little respect for his exes and therefore, probably for all the women he dates.
- This is likely how he’ll talk about you if you break up.
- His image of the women he dates is cynical.
Do you think you’re different? That he respects you?
Let me tell you this:
I’ve never met a woman who had a relationship with a player who did NOT think so.
Do you see what I mean? Great.
16. He doesn’t give you a key to his apartment
Suppose you have been dating for a few months. But he doesn’t want you to drop by his place unexpectedly.
If you’re the only woman for him, he wants to spend a lot of time with you.
Unless there’s a reason why you cannot / may not pass by unexpectedly, this is a simple way to identify a guy that is seeing multiple women.
17. He is often unable to meet but doesn’t give a clear reason why
When you want to meet him, he usually responds by saying, “I’m available at Tuesdays and Wednesdays.” He won’t give you an explanation of why he can’t meet on Thursday for example.
He prefers not to make up a lie and is doing this to avoid the subject.
(Men do this partly because they feel uncomfortable to lie, but also because all those lies are impossible to remember).
So he says, “I can’t,” and he doesn’t give you an explanation why. This is a typical pattern among players.
18. He has many female friends
Does he have many women around him with whom he’s “just” friends?
Believe me, this isn’t normal.
It’s perfectly natural for men to prefer the company of other men when it comes to friendships. But they hang out with women for very different reasons.
Furthermore, friendships between men and women rarely go well.
19. He knows how to talk his way out of everything
Does he have an explanation for everything?
Is he communicating easily?
Can he always reassure you of all of your suspicions?
That’s not a good sign. Most men are hopelessly bad at communicating. Players have only improved this through a ton of practice, and over time, they got better and better.
They can effortlessly talk their way out of trouble and always know the right thing to say.
20. He knows how to push your buttons
One thing that players learn after talking, interacting and being with lots of women is that he knows exactly how to push a woman’s buttons.
Precisely what to say to spike emotions and make her feel good about herself (stand out from all other guys), but also purposefully make her feel a bit insecure about herself.
A player doesn’t like a strong and independent woman, he wants a weak one who will need him to feel good about herself.
One question you could ask yourself is, how does he make you feel? Great, like you are his little snowflake, but also like you are a bit insecure around him?
Does he make you feel good, and worse at the same time?
If so then it could be his plan to make you feel this way.
Questions and answers
What are some things or lines a player will say to trick you?
- “You are special, but I’m not sure we’d work out.”
- “I like you a lot, I have never felt this way with another woman before.”
- “There is something unique about you that almost makes me want to marry you. Almost.”
In almost all of the cases, a player is extremely good at making the woman feel special and that “she is different”. When in fact he says the same lines to every single girl. Because he has figured out what works best and then sticks to that.
What to say to a player to hurt him?
If you realize that you’re being played by a guy. Then here are some things you can tell him that might rock his boat a little bit:
- “Nice try, how many other women have you said that to?”
- “I realize that you’re sleeping around because you are probably insecure and need constant validation to feel good about yourself.”
- “I thought about which number was higher… The slaps you must have gotten from other women you’ve slept with, or the number of STD:s you’ve had over the years… I can’t decide.”
What to do if he’s a player?
First of all I recommend that you check out this article on how to play the player and beat him at his own game.
You can’t always get him to want to change his ways but at least with the help of that article, you have as good chance as you could ever have.
If not, and it bothers you a lot and you want to have a real relationship. It might also be better to dump him and look for a normal guy.
What are some signs that a player is falling for you?
Well first of all you’ll see that he respects you and doesn’t treat you like a toy. Then you’ll see that he is actually making an effort to get to know your personality and that he actually wants to text you on his own (not just late at night), and do fun activities with you outside the bedroom.
Before you immediately dump your man because you recognize some of the signs and conclude he’s a player…
Can you spot one or two of these signs listed in this article? Then don’t worry about it.
It doesn’t have to mean anything, and it’s also possible that there’s another explanation for his behavior.
If he has some of these characteristics, it doesn’t mean he’s a player or a bad guy.
Human behavior is best-read and understood in clusters. Clusters are a group of signs that all point to the same conclusion. So just one indicator or sign doesn’t have to mean anything.
But do you notice a lot of the behaviors or signals from this blog? Then there’s a good chance he’s a player and might be seeing multiple women, and it might be time to reconsider your relationship with this man. If so, then you can check out this article on how to let go of a player
I’d also advise you to read this article to see if he’s leading you on without him ever planning on committing to you.
In any case, do not fall into the following traps and think:
- He was a player, but now you’ve changed him.
- He’s going to change.
- He thinks you’re special and he was only like that with other women.
I hear these three things from women over and over again, and when they say this to me, I can only look at them with compassion.
If you want to fool yourself, fine.
But you only hurt yourself.
Don’t get me wrong. You have every right to fool yourself, but in that case, let’s agree that I won’t encourage you to make yourself unhappy.
But at least now you have the tricks and the know-how to spot a player in his tracks…
I wish you the best of luck with that. And feel free to leave a comment and tell me how it went.
PS: If you want to make sure you are not making any mistakes that drive him away further into the arms of other women, I recommend you check out “The 5 most common texting mistakes that women make that scare guys away.” Click here to receive it now for free.
PPS: I originally wrote this article in Dutch and published it here.