The FWB Myth: Why Friends With Benefits Only Causes You Pain

The FWB Myth: Why Friends With Benefits Only Causes You Pain

The FWB Myth: Why Friends with benefits only causes pain

I want to talk to you about a dangerous epidemic that is raging throughout almost the entire Western world.

This epidemic is contagious and the unsuspecting victims are dropping like flies.

The symptoms are sorrow, heartbreak, conflict, and wishful thinking.

The name of this plague? Friends with Benefits (FWB).

Why most women are NEVER going to find joy and lasting happiness in a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship

There. I said it. This is the moment I come out as a “Friends with benefits” hater. It’s been enough with all the nonsense and the mild expressions.

Don’t get me wrong.

In theory, I’m not against the concept at all.

The friends with benefits meaning

The idea, and the meaning behind friends with benefits is like this:

You’re friends with someone from the opposite sex. You’re both single. You both feel the need for sex. So you decide to sleep together and enter into a friends with benefits relationship/ FWB relationship. In doing so, both of your needs are fulfilled without having to deal with all the drama that comes with dating.

It sounds ideal.

In theory.

But the same goes for communism…

Friends with benefits (FWB) relationships in reality only causes pain

I’m sorry to say so. But it really does. As a dating coach, every day I walk through the smoking mess this phenomenon leaves behind when it has moved on.

Friends with benefits is a smoking mess

You can have tens of thousands of sexual revolutions and remove all the taboos and rules surrounding sex.

It’s great that we’ve renounced the conservative, convulsive pattern of sexual rules.

Anything’s allowed these days.

Anything is possible.

Nowadays it’s no longer a question of why a 21-year-old has had a casual sexual relationship. It’s more a question of how some people have managed to avoid it.

Through this article, I’m going to answer some of the most common questions, such as:

  • Does friends with benefits work?
  • What does friends with benefits mean to a guy?
  • What’s fwb from guys perspective?

 …For men, friends with benefits is great. Unfortunately, it’s a form of emotional abuse with almost only female victims

The greatest trick the devil has ever pulled is convincing the world he doesn’t exist.

Men have made casual sex partners the standard gateway to a relationship.

It’s great for us.

Because here’s something you need to understand about men:

I’ll explain to you why this is the nastiest thing men have done in the 20th century. But before I can do that, I have to tell you how men feel about sex.

The astonishing lack of pickiness men have when it comes to sex

There is one giant mistake that women make about sex. And it relates directly to the friends with benefits confusion.

They think men are less picky than women…

But unfortunately.

It’s not that men are less picky. They’re not picky at all.

Women also have no idea how incredibly hard it is to have sex for a man.

In fact, even when I try explaining this to women, they still can’t imagine it at all.

Suppose you’re standing in a bar and there are a hundred men present

Look around you.

How many of the guys would you like to spend the night with?

One?

Two maybe?

But that’s only at first glance. Then if he behaves rudely, says something wrong, shows unattractive behavior, doesn’t smell nice, is too desperate and so on, then he can still mess it up.

Perhaps you are also someone who would first like to get to know someone a little before you can feel attracted to him.

If you find 1 in 100 men attractive, then there will be 99 you don’t find attractive. 

f there’s 100 men in a bar, only 1 man will be attractive enough for a woman to sleep with him
If there are 100 men in a bar, only 1 man will be attractive enough for a woman to sleep with him.

And you want to seduce a woman, the other woman will have the exact same thought process as you (that 1 out of 100 is attractive enough to sleep with if he doesn’t screw it up).

And you’ll have to successfully seduce her as well.

(Something that, let’s face it, guys are completely incapable of doing.)

Oh. And there’s something else:

When women are asked to rank photos of men in terms of attractiveness, they estimate that roughly 20 percent of men are above average attractive.

So most women also estimate that 80 percent of men are below average.

In reality, it will come closer to thousands of approach attempts for the average man.

The illusion of easy sex

“The rise of Tinder.”

“Women who just sleep with everyone these days.”

I’ve heard all kinds of reasons why women think it will be easy for a man to have sex. It’s like a lot of women are living in some kind of dream world where they think other women will go to bed with a man very easily, but not themselves.

Be honest with yourself:

How many women do you really know who are jumping into bed with different men all the time?

A handful? Less?

I’ll just pat myself on the back.

Let’s talk about my favorite subject: me.

I’m lucky to be a reasonable-looking man. I have a fairly symmetrical face. I’m at the gym 7 days a week.

I am also reasonably intelligent, business-wise and financially successful, eloquent, well-travelled, speak several languages, and care about my personal hygiene.

Oh, and I have a job that 99.9 percent of women find interesting. I know women quite well (by the latter I mean that I’ve done roughly 10 years of professional research).

I am at the top of the food chain in the dating market in every aspect.

But suppose I want to sleep with a new woman, it would still take me hours.

I still really have to do my best. I’ll still have to deal with women who don’t find me attractive enough to sleep with.

I also have to deal with women who like me so much, that they’re are afraid to ruin it by sleeping with me too early.

But for a woman?

I’m not even going to explain this.

  • Go to Tinder.
  • Swipe 100 times positive on men without looking.
  • Put in your profile text that you’re only after a sex date.
  • Approve all men.

Read and weep. See for yourself how long it takes.

Still don’t believe me?

This 82-year-old grandma has sex three times a week with new and different men from Tinder. And she’s getting blasted with offers from men below the age of 35.

She even claims “I have never met a man who doesn’t want to f*ck me”.

And no. They’re not all creeps and perverts on apps like that.

THAT’S THE AVERAGE MAN.

The chance to have sex for most men is so rare that they can’t afford to be picky…

All the hoops a man has to jump through to get laid, make it impossible for a man to be picky.

If men were just as picky as a woman, then as people – man or woman – you would have a 1 in 1,000 chance that you will have sex once in your life.

OK, OK. Calm down, Tim, men aren’t picky at all, I believe you

I know you know.

It’s no surprise that men aren’t so picky. But I can’t stress enough how serious it is.

Most women know that men are not picky but think along the lines of:

  • He must at least find me somewhat likable before he wants to sleep with me.
  • A man must at least feel a bit of a connection to be able to sleep with someone.
  • At least he must find me above average attractive before he sleeps with me.

Incorrect, nope, and the last statement is just embarrassingly naive.

And I’m sorry if I’m still carrying on with this and if my tone is too harsh. But I’m trying to get through to you.

Aren’t you exaggerating a little, Tim?

I’m afraid not. In fact, it’s many times worse than I’ve described it so far.

Let a male family member read this. Whom you know to be honest. He’ll agree with me a thousand percent.

(Note: it has to be a male family member, who is not trying to impress a woman at that moment. And not your father because he knows it will end up with your mother.)

But this fallacy is only the beginning of the problem.

The real problem is yet to come…

The Sex-and-the-City Samantha is as rare as a white rhino

Of course, there are women who can easily separate sex from feelings.

But I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Please forgive my tone. But I think it’s important that you understand the following.

There’s one thing you should know:

Women are utterly bad at separating sex from feelings

Men can have sex with someone they find uninspiring, stupid, unattractive, and unsympathetic.

Women, unfortunately, don’t have that luxury.

And when you go to bed with a man as a woman, chances are that you will get feelings for him.

Maybe not from the start, but sleep with him often and long enough, and it’s almost inevitable.

The oxytocin hormone released in your brain, every time you sleep with him, is just too much.

It’s unfair. I wish it was different. But it’s not.

But isn’t it incredibly, incredibly stereotypical to say that women can’t separate sex from feelings?

It’s as stereotypical as saying that most men have a penis.

Can friends with benefits work? Yes, there are exceptions, but in extremely rare situations.

“Does friends with benefits work?”

There are women who can easily separate sex and feelings. They’re often women in special circumstances.

  • Women with an abnormal hormonal balance due to illness.
  • Women with particularly high testosterone levels.
  • Women who deal with sex differently because of trauma or disorder.

And if only those were the women would enter into casual sex relationships, you wouldn’t hear me write about it.

I’d love for women to enjoy modern sexual liberties.

But this does not apply to the absolute majority.

That’s what makes the friends with benefits idea so cruel and evil

What does friends with benefits mean to a guy

Women are nowadays told that FWB is the most normal thing in the world.

It’s “cool” that women can now just have sex for fun.

The media glorifies it. You’re almost viewed as prudish or ultra-conservative if you don’t.

There’s a constant pressure on women to sleep with whoever. The ultimate sign of the feminist revolution is that women now have the same attitude towards sex as men. 

But think about it for a second: is it healthy to have casual sex partners at all?

Suppose a woman goes on a date with a man and she’s all into him. Then he says to her:

A relationship is out of the question, I’m only interested in sex.

Suppose that woman likes this man so much that she just says “well, OK then”, hoping that he will eventually fall in love with her…

How could she or the people around her be OK with that?

Suppose she would say to her friends: “He told me he’s not interested in me but only wants to fuck me”.

How would her friends react?

They’d probably tell her she’s hopelessly naive, and that she has to face the truth.

They would look down with pity on that poor woman who allows herself to be used by a nasty guy.

What does friends with benefits mean to a guy? 100% of the upside, NONE of the downside

If it wasn’t for the cruelty, I’d describe it as downright brilliant.

While old concepts such as fuck buddy or sex relationship still covered the meaning in some way, now Pandora’s box is really open.

With the concept of Friends with Benefits, there’s a pretense of equality.

Now the woman is no longer stupid or hopelessly naive. She’s now “tough and liberal” if she agrees to this arrangement.

Does friends with benefits work
A woman is considered tough and liberal if she agrees to a FWB relationship

She can now suddenly rationalize what she’s doing for herself and to her surroundings.

And the man?

He gets exactly what he wants. No commitment.

Here you can read why men are afraid of commitment.

There’s a good chance this was the whole purpose of the friendship

When a woman tells you she mostly has male friends and hardly any female ones, you should really look out for that woman.

Men enter into friendships with women all the time.

If the threshold value for sex is low, then the threshold value for friendships is even lower.

Men are so terribly hungry for sex that they are completely fine entering into long-term friendships with women hoping that someday sex will come out of it.

They’re willing to invest years in exchange for a small chance to have sex… sometime in the future, maybe.

That’s how desperate they are.

So that “normal friendship” you have with that guy friend might just be the result of his biological urge to keep a woman around, in hope of someday bearing fruit, no matter how unattractive or unsympathetic.

“But Tim, I also know enough men who say they have to like a woman and must have feelings for her before they want to sleep with her.”

Haha.

Of course, we do. If I tell this story at a birthday party, men will be my biggest opponents.

They’ll be first in line to tell me it’s not like that.

Maybe there’s a few who say a lot of men are like that, but not all of them. He’ll probably also say right away that he’s the exception.

Men will say angry, passionately and insulted that they’re different

They’ll argue.

They’ll swear.

They’ll say profoundly that some men may be like that, but that they’re definitely not like that themselves.

The reason for this is simply that men – completely unconscious – know very well what’ going on. Because sex is always so rare for men that 5% of all men have 95% of all female attention. A picky man is always attractive.

5% of all men have 95% of all the female attention
5% of all men have 95% of all the female attention

In other words: Only the most attractive men on the planet can afford to be picky.

That’s why they like to claim to be one themselves. They even come up with ways to believe that themselves, and can make moving speeches about how they really are different.

But no. Your situation is not different from the others. This is what a casual sex relationship looks like

Either it’s a way for yourself to rationalize that more will come in the future. This is what makes it so terrible when men pretend it’s the logical step between a friendship and a relationship.

Or you start without any feelings, but after a while, you start getting feelings through all the intimate moments. Then you slip into self-deception thinking: “He likes me, does nice things for me, and we have sex, so he’ll realize that we’re made for each other.”

And in the exceptional cases?

Then you’re a woman who can enjoy sex without feelings.

Then all you have to do is deal with men who are overly jealous. Men will like to have sex when they feel 0% for you. But the idea that you’re having sex with others?

That pains them and they will consciously – or unconsciously – try to sabotage all your future relationships with other men.

Don’t get me wrong…

Men are jealous of their sex toys. That’s not because they have feelings for you. That’s simply because they’re afraid of losing their toy

So don’t fall into the trap of interpreting his jealousy as proof of having feelings for you.

In reality, it is much more nuanced – and complex – than that.

Men – and women too, by the way so let’s say “people” – are as hypocritical and devoid of self-insight as they can be.

We do all kinds of irrational and egocentric things that are far from original.

But we’re incredibly open-minded and creative when it comes to finding ways to explain to ourselves and to others why we exhibit that behavior.

“Fine, Tim, but explain to me why I know countless examples of people who started with a friendship, who then got into a situation where they had sex and ended up in a romantic relationship.”

Excellent question.

Here’s my answer:

Write it on a piece of paper.

Put it on your fridge. Get a tattoo if you want with the following text:

There’s nothing wrong with sex. But it doesn’t mean anything, and it doesn’t increase your chances of a relationship

It’s that simple.

Yeah. A lot of people get to know each other, have a casual sex relationship and then end up in a romantic relationship.

100% true. No doubt about it.

But…

Don’t think that sex means that it increases the chances of a relationship. I just explained to you in over a thousand words that sex means nothing to a man.

In fact:

The casual sex situation has nothing to do with the relationship that follows

Here are two situations.

Situation 1: sex > relationship

Two sex relationships 1

 

Situation 2: no sex > relationship > sex

Two sex relationships 2

 

Both situations have exactly the same success rate. Neither one of them is more likely to have a relationship.

  • It’s not that it’s bad if you go to bed with a guy on the first date. It doesn’t even matter if you sleep with him after 5 minutes.
  • It also doesn’t matter if you say you want to wait until you’re both exclusive and in a serious relationship.

And now the key question for the observing readers:

Why should I make a whole point out of this if it doesn’t matter anyway?

That’s because there’s something very important going on:

Broken hearts and broken women

When you throw yourself into all kinds of non-serious physical relationships, you run a number of risks:

  • You will run a much greater risk of getting caught up in the web of wrong or downright narcissistic men.
  • You run the risk of developing feelings and ending up with a broken heart. And because you keep seeing each other and are intimate, you will get more and more emotionally invested which causes you more and more pain. It will also take you a much longer time to end the process, compared to if you would already have pulled the plug.
  • You’re emotionally unavailable to a partner who does want a serious relationship with you. Maybe you’re happy with your current arrangement. But chances are you’d be happier if you’d put the time and energy from your friend with benefits arrangement, into finding the right one.

So that’s what makes the whole concept of friends with benefits straight up, bad.

And another thing… You don’t have all the time in the world

I know it’s hip these days and that it’s considered normal to have all kinds of short-lived contacts and relationships in your twenties.

Women are told time and again that it’s normal.

But if you waste your twenties on unattainable men with commitment issues, who have no intention of starting a family, you’ll soon get a problem after you’ve turned 30.

Then you have to choose a father for your children as quickly as possible – maybe almost randomly. And if you can’t find him, or if you’ve wasted too much time with your sex buddies, then you can also get confused with your desire to have children.

And we all know the immense grief this can bring.

It’s unfair. But it’s true. Men can easily waste the first 50 years of their lives and then start a family. As a woman, you don’t have that luxury.

Here is one friends with benefits advice from me to you…

FWB does not help you to find that happy serious relationship

FWB has no positive or negative influence on a relationship. I don’t want you to hurt yourself by thinking that sex means anything to him. I’m just worried about you.

I am undoubtedly talking to deaf ears here.

But the chances of you two ending up together after a wild, passionate evening, doesn’t increase.

Zero, nothing.

The man will love the experience and come back for more.

But will he see you more like a suitable life partner?

I wouldn’t count on it.

Sex doesn’t increase the chance. Sex doesn’t reduce the chance. It’s not even a factor

Being good in bed is a plus. But it’s certainly not something that makes a man fall in love with you. (Read here how to get him to commit to you)

Get rid of that illusion.

Don’t tell yourself that by making a man wait for sex, you increase the chance of a relationship.

Don’t tell yourself either that sleeping with him increases the chances of a relationship.

Men are so willing when it comes to sex that it just doesn’t mean anything.

“But Tim, if you compare this with all the loving things that men say and do in such a situation, should I hate their sneakiness?”

Good question.

But the guys don’t mean it wrong. They’re constantly thinking of ways so they can justify it for themselves.

Even if he knows very well that in many ways he creates the illusion that he has feelings for her, he will still think: “But I told her I don’t want a relationship and only sex, so I’m not doing anything wrong.” 

Or:

When he has zero feelings for her but wants to keep her secretly as a backup in case he can’t find anyone better, he’ll think: “We’re trying to find out if it can work between us. I have no idea if we can make a good couple together.”

It’s not like men have come up with a mean conspiracy to hurt you

Men don't come together in a conspiracy to hurt you
Men don’t come together in a conspiracy to hurt you

Now please don’t think that men think about this kind of thing consciously and rationally.

Men are not all evil beings who came up with this plot together.

We don’t have joint meetings where we say:

“Gee, let’s find a way to use women for sex while giving the impression that it’s an equal situation for both parties.”

It happens unconsciously.

Friends with benefits was a lucky coincidence.

No one had a mean objective. It was nothing more than an unfortunate coincidence.

My pain comes from the fact that it almost only has female victims.

A situation in which women could give in to their sexual desires and men could give in to their hunger for sex.

And accidentally it fits in exactly with the (incorrect) contemporary thinking that there is no biological difference whatsoever between men and women.

It would be perfect.

In theory.

But in practice, this concept has claimed thousands of victims. A few of which are men, but countless more are women.

To sum it up:

Thanks to FWB, men who are not interested in a relationship can still go to bed with a woman without feeling guilty

And in a nutshell, that’s exactly what the idea is all about.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

  • Some – extremely rare – women are able to separate emotions from sex and therefore enjoy their sexuality (without disadvantages). I’ll wish them the best and I’ll never judge them.
  • Other women will firmly believe that they can have sex without feelings, only to find out after months or years they have developed feelings.
  • Others will end up in a relationship they would have had anyway.

But for the majority?

They’ll end up in tragic situations. Numerous scenarios are possible, but none are going to end well.

A friends with benefits relationship simply leads to unhappiness.

It’s just as likely that you’ll become rich from winning the lottery as this situation will make you happy.

I only wish it on my worst enemies.

Please sleep with whoever you want

I’m the last one to judge who you’re sleeping with or for whatever reason.

But if I had to put my money on something?

When two women would approach me in these situations:

Situation 1: “I’m not sleeping with anyone until I’m sure we’re in a serious relationship.”

Or:

Situation 2: “If it feels good, I’ll sleep with him.”

In both situations, I wouldn’t judge either of those women. Nada. I don’t care.

Both have a serious chance of becoming happy. But if I had to bet who becomes happy, who doesn’t get stalled, and who doesn’t waste time hoping things will work out with an emotionally immature man?

Then I’d know.

If you’re a woman who really…

And by that I mean REALLY, has the exceptional ability to separate sex from love, go ahead. That’s the only exceptionally rare case how to do friends with benefits successfully.

But if you’re not 100 percent sure about this. Protect yourself. Please.

And if you’ve ignored everything I’ve just said and got yourself into trouble, it’s fine. We are still friends. I don’t blame you. It can happen to anyone that we lose reality in our crush (that goes for me as well; I can write hundreds of books about the stupid things I’ve done while being in love and I’m the last one to judge).

Anyway.

What’s fwb from guys perspective?

It’s a genius concept.

For men. They always win.

  • If they want a relationship, they win.
  • If they don’t want a relationship, they win.

They lose 1 in a 1,000 times because a woman deliberately becomes pregnant or because they’re in love with a nymphomaniac themselves, but these are the exceptions.

And it’s a win for the exceptionally rare women who, due to a psychological or physical condition, can separate sex from feelings. They win because we no longer condemn them under these circumstances.

In all other cases, it’s a downright a disaster for the women and the jackpot for the men.

(The men have no guilt and the women tell themselves it was their own idea.)

I don’t know you. But if I could decide, I hope you’ll be happy.

One final friends with benefits advice from me to you…

And if I’d knew how to make you happy, I would have told you. But there’s one thing I do know:

Friends with benefits is not the way to go.

Tim

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Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is the head coach of Change Him. In The Netherlands more than 155.000 women follow his advice. He has been featured in numerous Dutch media and magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.
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