7 Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT A Relationship

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship

In this article you will learn:

  • The answer to your question: “Why do i attract guys who just want to sleep with me but never have a relationship?”
  • How to find out if he likes you or if he just wants you for one thing.
  • Why it is NOT wise to try and “convince him” to have a relationship with you by sleeping with him more.
  • What to do to go from a physical relationship, to a real relationship with a guy.
  • The best way to make the relationship mean more than just sex.

The truth why some women never seem to get more than a casual relationship with a guy

This is a topic that comes up again and again so I had to write an article about this.

This persistent question comes in all kinds of variations by many frustrated women:

  • “Why do I always find men who just want to sleep with me?
  • “Why do guys never want a relationship with me?
  • “Why do men want casual relationships so much?

Okay one thing at the time.

But before you read on you I recommend that you check out my article about why a friends with benefits relationship is downright harmful to women.

In that article I describe in great detail how some men use a casual relationship to get 100% of the upside, and NONE of the downside of having a relationship.


Here is a situation that happens frequently:

A woman meets a guy who seems very nice initially. She begins to like him and soon develops feelings for him.

But she can’t quite get to know him on a deeper level. Their so called ‘dates’ always end in the bedroom, and often with next to no real conversation or activity before that.

Gradually, he starts acting more and more cold and distant towards her. She begins to suspect that he just wanted one thing from her. But she can’t bear the thought of not seeing him again.

Until he completely disappears from her life and was never heard from again

Sound familiar?

This kind of scenario has happened to women so many times that it’s easy to simply conclude that all men only want to have sex without ever having a real relationship.

But that is not true.

I’ll tell you why.

I coach not just women, but also men. Since 2008 I have helped thousands of guys with dating and relationship advice. How many of them do you think only wanted a physical relationship?

Two or three.

So, it’s only an extremely small portion of men that are like that.

The other ones are just normal guys looking for love and someone to share their lives with

Just like most women.

It might be hard to believe, especially when a man uses you for sex.… But men also like to cuddle and have deep conversations at home with the right partner.

But let me tell you something about guys…

Men’s sex drive is much greater than women.

If you notice that your man only seems to think about sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t like you.

It could simply mean that his need for sex is greater than yours.

“He only thinks about sex” is actually “He thinks more about sex than I do.”

Here you can read what doctors have concluded about this:

  • Men think about sex more often.
  • They have a higher libido than women.
  • Research shows that nuns are more likely to not have sex than priests, even if they make the same promise.

A man who doesn’t get enough sex, becomes frustrated

He can of course masturbate. This will solve his physical urge (temporarily). But it’s not the same thing and won’t help much.

What many women don’t know is that he has a psychological urge:

He has the need to be sexual with a woman. And that need doesn’t go away with masturbation.

If he has less sex than he needs, his whole body will be screaming that it’s time to get off his lazy ass and do something about it.

That’s his primal instinct as a man.

So what is my point of telling you this?

Most men are NOT picky with who they sleep with, only with who they have a relationship with

In my friends with benefits article, I go into great detail why most men are not picky at all with who they have sex with.

Generally speaking, 95% of men will sleep with anyone because they’re so incredibly desperate for sex.

I understand that this can be very hard to believe and that it can make you think that all men are a**holes. And that you might start to doubt yourself whether you are beautiful, or nice enough to have a real relationship with a great guy.

But the problem you’re having is not that you don’t have anyone to sleep with, it’s that you want more than just a casual relationship.

If you can’t get further than the bedrooms with a man, then here are some common reasons why that I’ll dive deeper into in this article:

  1. You’re attracting the kinds of wrong men from the start that would never have a relationship with anyone right now, such as players.
  2. You’re seeing a guy that could potentially have a relationship with you, BUT he’s getting all his needs met WITHOUT having to commit to a real relationship
  3. You’re doing something that drive him away. Such as annoying him, embarrassing him, not satisfying him or never having an opinion about anything.

Let’s take a closer look why he just wants sex and not a relationship:

Reason 1: You’re dating a man who just wants sex

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 1

Okay so one of the most important skills for a woman who’s single and dating today is to not only know how to get a high quality guy, but also to learn how to spot the players, narcissists or downright a**holes that are just going to waste your time.

Players, womanisers, or f*ck boys as they are called nowadays are notoriously famous for leaving a trail of broken hearts in their path. And it rarely ever works out well for the woman who’s trying to pursue them.

If you are interested then you can read here why you’re attracted to these men in the first place. So that you can learn to deal with them easier, and stop yourself in your tracks before you fall for them.

Because if you’re going after the wrong guy you’re doomed to fail from the start.

Reason 2: He thinks it’s only a casual relationship

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 2

It’s not always clear what the relationship means to both parties. And sometimes what the relationship is, can automatically be pre-set.

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say a woman just got dumped by her boyfriend after a few years with him.

Now she’s devastated, heartbroken and just wants someone to make her feel better and wanted for a moment. So she goes home with a complete stranger from a bar and they end up sleeping with him.

Afterwards they see each other three more times over the next 2 weeks. But every time they see each other they only meet at his place with little to no conversation or activity before they have sex.

After doing this a couple of times he’s now thinking that’s what this relationship is like, just ‘meet at home and have sex’. And who could blame him.

To him it seems like he’s going backwards if he now all of a sudden “has to” do an activity or spend extra time with her to get the thing that he’s now getting pretty much effortlessly.

Do you see what I mean?

Now he’s more likely to say that he wants to be friends with benefits or that he doesn’t want a relationship. Depending on how much he likes her.

It would have been a lot easier to get him open to the idea of having a real relationship, if they would have just started to do something other than sleeping together from the start.

Instead, what often happens is that she continues seeing him in hopes that he’ll change and develop feelings for her. But that rarely happens.

Some women sacrifice their own feelings and agree to the fwb relationship, even though that’s the last thing she wants. What almost always happens in such an arrangement is that she develops even stronger feelings for him, wants to have a real relationship with him, but all she ends up with is a severely broken heart.

Reason 3: He hasn’t gotten to know the real you yet

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 3

Okay so if all you do together is to have sex then you can never get to know each other on a deeper level.

Having a lot of sex is not the problem, quite the contrary… But if all you do together is having fun in the bedroom, then the relationship is only based around one thing and you don’t really know each other at all.

So if you then were to suddenly stop sleeping with him because you’re suddenly “hard to get” or “not that kinda girl”, and now want to change the entire base of the relationship. No doubt he’s going to get frustrated and confused for why he’s getting punished.

This is not how you should play this, instead do this:

Start doing some activity BEFORE you have sex together. Not after because then he has already gotten what he wanted and will most likely say no.

Here are some things you can do together:

  • Go for a walk and eat ice cream
  • Spend some time on the beach
  • Play an escape room
  • Go to a pub and play a board game (Connect four is a great one)
  • Visit a museum or petting zoo

Here you have more couples activities and fun things you can do with him.

My point is this, if you have never done anything other than sleeping together then I recommend that you just start small.

Grabbing a coffee or lunch together is a great first step, because that’s relatively easy to do and doesn’t require too much ‘energy’ (as let’s say spend a weekend trip together). Any activity that involves alcohol works too.

For example:

Take a 5 minute taxi to spend some time in a bar, drink alcohol and play a boardgame.

With this kind of suggestions you’re going to find out very quickly how he feels about you. If he says no to even the smallest activity that’s other than “watching a movie”, then you know that he doesn’t like you that much and all he wants is to sleep with you.

Which can be fine, if you’re okay with that. But if you want more then it’s up to you if you want to continue that arrangement.

Don’t hope that he’ll ever change or that he’ll one day want more and have a real relationship with you. The chance of that happening is so incredibly small.

Be clear about what you want

Is it a relationship and does it seem that he only wants to have sex? Just say:

“I am not that kind of girl.”

If that’s all he wants then he will give up once you have said this a few times.

Reason 4: He is getting all the benefits of a relationship, without having to commit

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 4

Let me ask you this.

If you could get a paycheck from your job without doing any work, would you still show up every day?

Probably not, right?

So if you’re already giving him:

  • Attention
  • Someone to talk to and relax with after a busy day
  • Regular sex
  • The opportunity to still sleep with other women…

Why would he ever want to change that?

He’s got everything he could possibly need.

So what do you do?

You stop giving him the benefits of a real relationship until he commits.

In other words, put him lower on your priority list.

  • Spend time with your friends (or another guy) instead of him
  • Text him back when it suits YOU
  • Don’t be there for him emotionally
  • Stop sleeping with him unless you do something else as well

I describe in this article how you can get a commitment phobe to commit.

Reason 5: He doesn’t see you as relationship material

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 5

Okay so sometimes it happens that a woman likes a man, but he doesn’t like her back. Or vice versa.

But sometimes a guy doesn’t know how absolutely amazing a woman is because she hasn’t told him yet.

Most men want a woman who:

  • Takes great care of herself
  • He can have deep and meaningful conversations with
  • Has goals, ambitions and places she wants to go to in the future
  • Isn’t afraid to express her thoughts and opinions
  • Knows what to do in bed

Let met ask. you this…

Have you done a good job of showing him how amazing you are as a person?

Because if you haven’t then I suggest you start there as I mentioned in reason #3 (He hasn’t gotten to know the real you yet).

But if you have already revealed how incredible you are, and he still doesn’t seem to want more than your body. Then it’s not much more you can do.

Just let him go and start looking for the next guy who will. Your Mr.Right.

Just accept that you were not meant to be with him and that your Mr right is still out there waiting for you. And the faster you can move on from this guy you can finally leave place in your heart for him.

Reason 6: You’re doing something that drive him away

7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship 6

Okay so this reason is one that doesn’t apply to everyone, but it’s something to consider if all other reasons above fail to give a straight answer.

Here is a question that many frustrated women send me quite often that I also mentioned above.

“Why do I attract guys who just want to sleep with me but never have a relationship?”

I have already given a few possible reasons for this, but now we’re going to tackle something that might be a bit hard to hear.

I’ll be as honest and clear as I can and try not to hurt your feelings.

I don’t know you in person, this is just what I have realized what the problem is when this question comes up.

If it happens a lot that guys only want to sleep with a woman, but never have a relationship, then it can be because of a few factors:

  • She doesn’t satisfy him good enough in bed.
  • She embarrass him in public.
  • She has bad hygiene or bad habits.
  • She annoys him and makes it hard to be around.
  • She never has an opinion and always agrees to whatever he says.

It’s also important that you don’t come across as needy or desperate when you’re texting a guy.

Here you can learn the 5 most common texting mistakes women make that drive men away.

You could try to examine your behaviour around men and see if there might be something that might be holding you back. The tricky thing about this is that it might be hard to notice this by looking at ones own behaviours and be objective and 100% honest about it.

So it might be easier if you asked your girlfriend about it. Sometimes you can even ask a guy you used to date to give it you straight. It might be hard to hear these kinds of things, but at least you’ll get clarity and know what to do afterwards.

I know a guy who had bad breath for years because no one ever told him, so he could never get it fixed. When he was finally told, he wished someone could’ve told him sooner. It had a massive positive impact on his life.

Reason 7: He is unable to commit

A man more likely to loses interest and pulls away if he has commitment issues.

Believe it or not, men also have have traumatic things happen to them. And a lot more often than you might think.

A friend of mine had a girlfriend who cheated on him a lot. That made left such a bad impression on him that he hasn’t had a girlfriend for over ten years.

Another guy I know had a girl who beat him when he was a teenager. That sounds very crazy… because men are stronger, right?

But he was in love with her and always rationalised her behaviour. And took her punishment. As a result, he now has a problem getting physical with women because he’s afraid of getting hurt, physically.

In other words, not a great mindset to have.

He doesn’t want anything to do with women, but at the same time he has a sex drive and an unconscious need for a relationship that he can’t ever get rid of.

As a result, on the surface he is mainly after sex. And if a woman gets close, he pulls away every time.

Are you curious if you are dating a guy with commitment issues? Here you can check out the signs of the commitment phobic man.

I also reveal further in that article how you can get him to commit.

Now you know why you attract guys who just want to sleep with you and what you can do about it

Don’t sleep with a man again if he clearly doesn’t want a relationship, and you do.

As you’ve now learned from this article, most guys sleep with anyone. It doesn’t mean anything at all.

You want him to want to have a relationship because he likes you for WHO YOU ARE.

Make it clear to him that you are not like that. And that he made a mistake thinking you were.

And the main takeaway: Stay strong and add in some other things to do besides having fun in the bedroom.

Before I close I would like to make one thing crystal clear:

It doesn’t mean that it’s your fault that he just wants a casual relationship. Sometimes you’re just not meant to be.

I wrote this article to help you. If you have any questions, you can always leave a comment below.


PS: Here are some other relevant articles that can help you further:


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8 thoughts on “7 Honest Reasons Why He Just Wants Sex, NOT a Relationship”

  1. The primary thing I see is selfishness. Even if you follow all the rules and play the right cards a lot of men just switch like is day/night. And when the reverse happens it’s the end of the world.

    1. Im in a relationship after 15 yrs he finally came to us he saw the first day i was he said and he was treating me bad so we physical started fighting i stand up to a man im not going to keep getting abuse so fo 2yrs in marriage he had to do something to make upset discusting thing in my house finally he hit me again beside pulling my hair he 35 im 65 i want to kick his nut my knees were in bad shape i lost weight he looks at me with discusting face like i cant wear certain cloths he allow his haitian to talk about my butt so finally i pissed him off and got hit closed fist on both side of my head i didnt back down but put on weight plus he said he kill a dog cause it kept bothering after he did i told to get out called police were toghtr now it starting again now he no im taking kick box plus i bought mase now he ttying to get guys together to help me move off the street i no what hes up to i dont these guys but he said theyll charge 10 bucks why is he doing this wanting people to no where i live he starting to control

  2. Evelyn Clarence

    ITs testosterone. woman don’t understand. This is simply how 99% of men are designed starting from puberty. It is all because of testosterone, most men have too much testosterone starting from puberty and after there 20’s they are trained to hunt for woman willing to have sex. Although, there are less than 1% of men that are not this way at all because since puberty they have always had a low amount of testosterone. This is how to spot a man like this. He is usually short, not masculine, has small neck, no visible Adams apple. They maybe more romantic and like dancing to classical music on one of those new records that came back. They also may put romance on first place. Men that are masculine and have high amounts of testosterone will have wide neck, noticeable adams apple, wide shoulders, have beard, and be tall. These men have hypersexuality (most do) they will do everything they can to get sex from a woman. They were trained to by testosterone for many years since puberty. Even if they have to lie, pretend and act, misleading the woman to get sex from her. Those men always pretend and act to a certain extent to get closer to the woman

  3. RE inability to commit, there are so many reasons for older men. (a) golddiggers. Am I just her retirement plan? (b) from youth to age, womwn don’t change. When the ring goes on so does the weight, the sex declines and the expectations of getting showered with gifts and romance increases (c) men don’t change and she still expects a man to give up what he likes to do (fishing, sports enthusiast, working out, career focused…) (d) taken to the cleaners by his last wife (e) she’s a substance abuser (f) her kids hate him no matter what he does to be liked and her kids are saints who can do no wrong in her eyes (g) constant emotional blackmail. This can be subtle like saying “Why buy the cow when the milk is free.” Guilting him into commitment isn’t going to work (h) my experience. After 30 years of a cold woman who cheated on me, I realized, it was 50/50 fault. I never wanted to be married and expressed it by unhappiness with emotional withdrawal. She did the same. We got married and stayed married because that was expected. Now I don’t care how wonderful a woman is, I’m not going back into that cage. Divorced older people are damaged goods. Getting a life long commitment from us is a long shot.

  4. Hello,
    I’ve met a recently divorced man. He only invites me to meet at his place as he doesn’t feel ready to go out. I do not want to sleep with him. How do I get him out of his shell (open up emotionally)and accept to meet me in public? I went to his place on the 2 date and we kissed, hugged, light petting (but I refused sex). After that he primised to invite me out. It’s been 1 week and I have no news from him. What should I do? Can someone advise, please? 🙏
    Warm Regards

  5. Yolanda van Hollstein

    Im in a foreign country, the men here hardly want to commit and I feel stuck and I would like to marry. Such a conundrum. Also men my age mostly arent available, in my forties. So i have been accepting less, men in their 30s seem to want me but I want a husband not just sex. Thanks for your article, I need to choose better and stop accepting what I dont want by giving them sex. Problem is I also have a high sex drive like men, but we have self control. Now I choose Celibacy till Love comes knocking. Love is the goal, never lust.
    God bless you all

  6. Women need companionship more and men need sex more. Women will sacrifice themselves for companionship. It gets old after a while. I was with two men who thought they were the best lovers. They were but they had little else to offer. They were very selfish

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Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and social psychology bestseller author from the Netherlands.  He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle.

Hi, I’m Tim Veninga. Since 2008 I’ve been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives.

For years I’ve only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it.

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