What Makes A Man Change? 10 Secret Ways You Can Change A Man

The 10 Secret Ways You Can Change Your Man For The Better

What makes a man change and the secrets to changing a man

Here you’ll learn:

  • The answer to your question: “Can and will a man change for the woman he loves?
  • How to change your husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior towards you.
  • When a man is trying to change for the better, a simple way to make it permanent.
  • How to control your husband or boyfriend and inspire him to be a better man.
  • What to do when he says he will change but never does.

How to easily change a man without him knowing what you’re up to

How to easily change a man without him knowing what you’re up to

Let’s say your husband or boyfriend does something you’d like to be different.

Maybe you’d like him to:

  • Make more time for you and show his appreciation for you
  • Become healthier (Stopped abusing alcohol or other substances)
  • Start to be more faithful to you
  • Set a new goal for himself
  • Improve his fashion style
  • Clean up after himself or help out around the house
  • Stop doing something that’s incredibly annoying

Whatever it is, you’re not satisfied with your man’s behavior in some way, and you want to change him.

Perhaps you’ve already told him how you feel, and maybe you even got into a fight with him about it.

It’s possible that he knows you’re annoyed with him for some reason. Maybe he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor every day, or spend too much time playing video games, but he still doesn’t stop doing it. Your spouse doesn’t want to change or can’t alter his behavior.

But there’s a solution. There are effective ways to make him stop doing something, and to change his attitude about it.

Men CAN change

It’s really possible that men can change.

And in this article, I’ll provide you with 10 secret and effective ways for how you can change your man for the better.

But first, an important warning:

Think carefully before you try to change your husband’s or boyfriend’s behavior

Think carefully before you try to change your husband's or boyfriend's behavior

Some things you can change, others you can’t.

And just because you can change something, it doesn’t mean you always should. It’s good to think twice about if you really want to make him different.

Sometimes I get asked this question…

“Will he change if I threaten to leave him?”

No, most men don’t respond well to threats and ultimatums. He won’t change if you leave him. Instead, more often than not, he’ll dare you, and challenge you to follow through with it.

But I understand your frustration, and that you’ve had enough… so you see no other way. That’s why I’ll give you some concrete advice and a simple plan that you can use to change him.

But sometimes it can be better to leave your partner. If your man treats you badly, hits you, or cheats on you frequently – then it might be better to walk away from him.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably both are disappointed.”

Some things are just incredibly difficult to change. For example, if he’s addicted to drugs, or has major psychological problems – then he can only change his ways if he is incredibly motivated.

Furthermore, there are things women think they want to be different in men, but more often than not, it turns out to be different from what they expected.

A typical example of this is when women think they want a man who shares his emotions with them and is more sensitive. That’s until they’re dating a wimp who gets upset over every little thing.

This is a common joke among men:

  1. A woman meets a man.
  2. She is constantly trying to change him.
  3. He changes.
  4. She leaves him because he’s ‘no longer the man she fell for’.

So it’s imperative that you carefully consider whether you really want to change your boyfriend’s or husband’s behavior.

Here’s what makes a man change:

1. Change a man by using operant conditioning

Change a man by using operant conditioning

This is, by far the best way to change his behavior. Haven’t you ever heard of operant conditioning? That’s OK.

Do you have a dog? Then you already know how it works.

It’s a very simple system: you give a reward for good behavior and a negative incentive for bad behavior. All mammals (and therefore also men) are susceptible to this.

For instance, do you want him to clean up his mess more often? Then reward him extensively the next time he does that. Cook his favorite meal, or give him the best sex ever (yes, also do that one thing you don’t like so much and therefore hardly ever do).

You only have to do it a few times to condition him. You’ll see he’ll enjoy cleaning up a lot more.

And as a negative incentive, if a guy gets angry because he feels like you don’t give him enough attention, you ignore him.

So instead of getting the results that he’s looking for (more attention), he’s getting the opposite.

Bonus tip: After a while, don’t reward him every time he does what you want. People respond best to rewards if they’re distributed randomly.

2. Make him think it’s his idea

Make him think it's his idea

Men have huge – but vulnerable – egos. So if you simply ask him if he wants to change his behavior or attitude, he won’t do it anytime soon.

For him, it’s important to be his own boss. When he thinks he’s wrapped around your finger, or that you ‘have him completely under your thumb’, he’ll become rebellious.

That’s why you want to make him think it’s his own idea to change.

Suppose, for example, he cooked you food, and you would like it to happen more often. Then you can say: “I think it’s great that you’ve become so much more attentive and nicer lately.”

And even if that’s not at all the case, he’ll still think it’s true. Because he would like to be associated with the compliment. So as a result, he’ll cook you more dinners, just so he can hear that from you.

Bonus tip: Brag to your girlfriends about how sweet and considerate he is when he’s around, so he can hear it. Then he’ll try even harder.

3. Avoid drama and arguing

Avoid drama and arguing

I know women try to do this sometimes. I’ve been a victim of this many times, unfortunately.

I’m sure you’re not like those women. But some tend to try to solve things by getting angry, nagging, or by picking a fight.

Suppose, for example, that you would like your husband or boyfriend to vacuum clean a little more often. If that’s the case, getting angry with him for not doing it, is pointless. He may pick up the vacuum cleaner to stop the whining, but you will not see any long term change.

Because when he cleans, all kinds of negative emotions are running through his body, making him hate it even more. So even if he does it that one time, he is not going to start doing it on his own, or enjoy doing it afterward.

I understand that you get angry because he refuses to help out, again. But you’ll find that it achieves the opposite effect of what you are trying to do.

Your spouse is not going to change if you just get angry with him. So be careful about this.

4. Give it time and be patient

Give it time

It’s crucial that you understand this.

I often receive emails from women who have asked their man to do something differently. Only to end up surprised when their man does not change overnight.

It can take months before he makes any changes to his behavior, fashion style, or appearance.

Often he won’t even immediately understand what you expect from him. He’ll have to let it sink in and get used to it. And then he’ll probably forget about it a few more times until he finally gets it…

Moreover, remember that it takes an average of 66 days for a person to form a new habit. And that’s if you want to change something he does daily.

So accept that it’s a process that takes time, and be patient.

What to do if he says he will change but never does

Don’t get upset if he forgets it in the beginning. Even if he says he will change but it seems like he never does.

All you can do is consistently apply all the tips from this article and have patience. That’s the only way men can change.

5. Discuss the issue in the third person

Discuss what you want him to changeSuppose you want him to take more initiative. Of course, you can just say that to him and hope for the best.

But like you read in the previous tips, guys have big egos, and he’d better think it’s his own idea.

So instead of saying it to him straight out, you could say it like this:

“I once had an ex who never really took the initiative to do anything fun together. That was such a turnoff. The kind of man that just sits passively on the couch.”

Now you’ve let him know what you don’t like about his behavior, without talking about him directly. Thus without hurting his ego.

This indirect way of mentioning his behavior is very effective, especially in the initial phase of the relationship.

6. Address it at home, NOT in public

Address it at home, NOT in public

Shall I repeat the whole ego thing again, or have you figured it out by now?

Leave his ego intact.

If you call a guy out in public about his behavior, he’ll never accept it. He’ll feel belittled when he gets reprimanded by a woman like that.

And he will,

  1. Disagree with you.
  2. Avoid losing face and become embarrassed.

What you achieve when you address your private issues in public

Address it at home, NOT in public

  • He gets angry because you make a fool of him (at least that’s how it feels to him).
  • He will almost always argue. Maybe in the form of a stupid remark at you, or perhaps also by ignoring you completely. Either way, he’ll prove to the other people around you that you don’t have him wrapped around your finger.

And of course, that will most likely affect you. His reaction might make you angrier.

So by using this strategy, you’re missing your goal entirely. And you’ll have an extra argument waiting for you when you’re alone…

And if you bring up this subject later on, there’s now very little chance you’ll succeed on changing it. Because if he has already rejected your proposition in public, he will not go back on that. Research shows that people almost always want to stay consistent with their previous behavior.

7. Use his ego

Use his ego

Imagine if you said this:

“I think it’s so sexy when you’re doing work around the house, it makes me feel like I have a strong man who takes care of me.”

If you think men are so stupid they believe that, then…

…you’re absolutely right. Men are foolish enough to fall for that.

They’re very sensitive to this kind of thing. They all want the same thing.

Men want you to see these three qualities in them:

    • Attractiveness
    • Manliness
    • Toughness

So always link the things you want him to do to one or more of these character traits. Convince him that a specific attitude, manner, or behavior is attractive. And the world is at your feet.

In fact…

Now I’m going to reveal something very powerful to you.

How to control your husband or boyfriend

Here are 4 proven sentences you can use to get what you want from your man:

If you’d like him to:

  • Be more fashionable: “You always look so tough when you put on that shirt.”
  • Cook for you more often: “I don’t know why, but for some reason, I always get horny when you’re cooking.”
  • Work around the house more often: “I always love it when I see the neighbor peeking at you when you’re washing the car, then I’m extra proud you’re mine”
  • Be more attentive towards you: “When you buy me flowers and listen to how I feel, it really shows what a great guy you are. Not many other men do that!”

Do you understand how this works?


I regularly give this tip to my female friends. They’ll never believe it works at first, but once they’ve tried it…

This is an extremely powerful mechanism, so use it carefully when you want to control your husband or boyfriend.

8. Use his jealousy

How to inspire him to be a better man, use his jealousy

This is an alteration of the previous tip: you use the same three character traits, but to describe a different man.

And an effective way to inspire a man to be a better man.

Because now you’re playing with his jealousy and competitive nature. Almost every man wants to be superman and be the most wonderful man on the planet.

So if you say you think it’s so cool that your neighbor goes to the gym every day, or how healthy this guy looks that now lost x pounds…

Beware: Don’t overdo this and don’t make him feel less about himself.

If you drop a comment like that from time to time, it can work wonders for your man’s motivation and inspire him to change for the better.

This also works very well when you’re dealing with a guy with a fear of commitment.

9. Be specific about what you’d like to be different

Be specific

Your boyfriend or husband is still just a man.

And let me say this carefully: most men are somewhat awkward about things. Sometimes the best way to change your man’s behavior is simply by saying that you want him to change something.

But do it like this:

  • Be literal
  • Be specific
  • Use a short story
  • Use short and simple sentence(s)

Because if you tell your partner you want him to be more attentive, he is not going to understand you. What exactly do you mean by “becoming more attentive”? For him, this isn’t a specific and clear assignment.

He might think of something entirely different if you give such a general statement. Maybe he’ll think, “Yes, but I always flush when I’ve been to the bathroom,” while you might just want him to buy you some flowers once in a while.

There are a few big mistakes almost all women make:

1. Thinking he knows what you mean. After all, men are not as socially savvy as women. Too many relationships end because women expect this from men.

2. Thinking he should just ‘feel’ it. Sure. And I’d like a McDonald’s in my backyard where I can get free chicken nuggets. But neither of these things will ever happen.

3. Wanting him to take the initiative. This, too, will never happen by his own accord if he isn’t already doing it. Swallow your pride and just ask your man if he wants to do something.

4. Thinking he understands you. I also coach men. The emails I get from women are literally seven times as long (no kidding!) compared to men, and still, the questions are often unclear.

So make sure you communicate with him in a clear and simple way. Give specific and measurable tasks. That’s the only way he’ll know what’s expected of him.

10. Make him fall deeply in love with you

Make him fall deeply in love with youThis is the very best way to change him.

There’s one more way I haven’t talked about in this article, but which is even more powerful (and faster) than any other way.

What is it?

The answer to your question:

Will a man change for a woman he loves?


Make him fall so hopelessly in love with you that he’ll do anything for you. Because if he’s crazy about you, it’s natural for a man to change for the woman he loves. He would even move to the other side of the world just to make her happy.

And it’s actually so simple that it’s scary. And whether you’re just dating, or have been together for years and the passion has somewhat disappeared, it always works.

To learn how to do this, read this article about how to make him fall in love with you.

And remember…

When a man is trying to change for the better, encourage him to stick with it, and reward him for his good behavior.

Men can change they just need some time and help to get there

Let me know in the comments below how it went with your man.



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4 thoughts on “The 10 Secret Ways You Can Change Your Man For The Better”

    1. There is nothing you can do to change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself and walk away. Stop wasting time on guys who don’t see it for what it is.

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Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and social psychology bestseller author from the Netherlands.  He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle.

Hi, I’m Tim Veninga. Since 2008 I’ve been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives.

For years I’ve only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it.

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