He Cheated On Me - 7 Things To Do Now | Change Him

7 Things You Should Do NOW When Your Boyfriend/Husband Cheated on You

How to best deal with a cheating boyfriend

Here’s what you’ll learn:

  • What every woman should know about being cheated on.
  • How to cope with being cheated on by your husband or boyfriend.
  • If this means your relationship is over and you should leave him.
  • The truth about infidelity and adultery in relationships.
  • And if you decide to stay together: How you can stop him from cheating on you ever again.
  • …And much more.

What it means to your relationship if he cheated on you

It’s one of the most common problems. I’m getting thousands of e-mails about this.

  • My husband cheated on me, what do I do?
  • He cheated on me, should I break up?
  • Is there any way I can prevent him from cheating me again?
  • And so on…

But don’t worry: If you want it to work out, I’m here to help you.

But let me tell you something…

Him cheating may seem like the biggest problem in the world right now

I understand that this hurts a lot. Emotions are running through your body, and you’d prefer to chop off certain parts of his body.

Heartbreak is not the end of the world

But I assume that if you’ve ended up on this article, you’ll at least want to consider the possibility that your relationship can recover from it.

That’s all I’m asking.

I’m not asking that you immediately choose to forgive him (if ever), but that we only look at your options together.

I want that because you deserve to have a great love life.

That’s what I’ll help you with in this article.

So you can move on and start feeling better again soon.

Here are the 7 things you should know if he cheated on you:

#1: Realize that it probably has nothing to do with you

Woman sees her partner cheatEven though you have the perfect relationship, men can still cheat.

Whether this happens during a moment of weakness, or because there is something that he doesn’t get from you…

You’re not to blame.

If his unfaithfulness makes you feel insecure, it’s important to realize there’s very little you can do about it.

It was his decision to go ahead with it, not yours.

And, of course, it’s awful, and it affects your self-confidence. But know that it’s not your fault.

I have already written an article about why men cheat. So I won’t repeat myself by listing all the reasons here. But you can read them here.

One thing you’ll see time and time again is that it’s always because of selfish reasons.

The woman not being good enough is hardly ever the case. And if a man makes that impression, he’s a player or an a**hole.

But if he keeps seeing you while he’s cheating on you, he’s more cold hearted than most men.

It takes quite a bit of cruelty to commit adultery in a calculated way, knowing that he’ll soon go home and see you again.

Most guys are a lot more insecure and do it just to feel better about themselves. They think it is extremely sad if you find out, and that you get hurt.

#2: Don’t get carried away by your emotions

Unemotional womanThere’s a rule of thumb when a woman is cheated on by her man.

If you are insecure, cheating will make it worse.

And this is true whether you are the type of woman that gets very angry and emotional, tends to withdraw yourself inwards, or always tries to laugh off everything bad that happens to you.

If your husband betrays your trust by cheating on you, it hurts a lot. It’s a traumatic experience.

And how you’re used to dealing with these kinds of problems, will largely determine what the next six months of your relationship will be like

How to deal with insecure thoughts

You may think it’s all because of you. By saying things to yourself like:

  • I’ve been complaining a lot lately.
  • I gained a few pounds.
  • I put in the DVD in the wrong case, so I left him no choice.

OK, that last one is a little exaggerated, but still.

My point is that relatively insecure women will look for reasons why he cheated. And, if they search long enough, they always find something they’ve done wrong.

But the reality is that men also commit adultery when the relationship is perfectly fine

You can read more about that in the next section. For now, I’d like to ask you to stop for a moment if you find yourself having these kinds of thoughts. And realize that your imagination is fooling you.

  1. Take a few deep breaths.
  2. Slow down your thoughts.
  3. Let the emotions in your body subside.

This is very important because you’ll only get through this if you can think clearly. You have to put certain emotions in perspective and try to keep a clear mind.

Otherwise, you’ll only make it harder for yourself during this difficult time in your relationship.

Take control of your emotions…

Whether you get outraged, retrieve inwards, or you have another way of dealing with it.

Try to control your emotions and not let them control you too much.

That makes the following steps a lot easier.

#3: Do not listen to your surroundings

Woman with her friends

I have good news and bad news.

  • The good news is that everyone around you will be ready to support you when your husband or boyfriend has cheated on you. After all, you’re the victim.
  • The bad news is that not only will they support you, but they’ll also give you advice. But this advice? You better ignore it.

Your friends will badmouth your cheating man without thinking 2 seconds about it

They’ll judge him harshly, and they’ll tell you that you shouldn’t accept it. The reason why they do this is because they want to make you feel good about yourself. And they also want to show their loyalty to you.

The truth is that what’s really going on between you and your man is different. And most people know that, too.

Take a look at this. Here you can see that 46% of people cheat at some point in their relationships.

Cheating is more common than you think

That means that half of the people who give you advice, have cheated themselves. Or had someone do it to them.

  • Do you think that would influence the advice they are giving you?
  • And do you think they actually followed their own advice?

If your man cheated on you, it becomes a matter of right or wrong as soon as you tell other people about it.

Here’s the thing…

I just explained to you that men can have a perfect relationship, and still cheat.

And scientific evidence supports the notion that most men often go back to their partners after an affair.

And that they actually needed to be with another woman to realize how great they had it. So with that said, you could at least argue that the adultery actually made the relationship stronger.

So, this makes it okay to be unfaithful?

No, far from it. I think anything that ruins trust is a terrible and painful idea.

But when it happens, it’s also not the case that all hell must break loose in the way your friends are suggesting.

So instead of listening to your friends and family members, I suggest you do the following:

#4: Seek advice from people with experience

Woman moved on after cheatingIf you ask people for help, it’s crucial you talk to people who have experience with this situation.

It doesn’t matter very much who this person is. Not if it’s your neighbor, a colleague, or a family member.

The important thing is that he or she has been through this exact thing.

Do not just get advice from people that yell at you that you should immediately dump him. These are often the loudest voices… but not always the most intelligent ones.

So find at least:

  • One person that did not continue the relationship (and is able to talk about it without getting emotional).
  • One person that has overcome their partner cheating and managed to fix the relationship.

In other words, she had a cheating partner and decided that it was worth fighting for the relationship and not give up.

These are the people who can really help you

They have been through what you want to achieve, at least if you wish to restore the relationship.

They can also support you much better because they know from experience what you’re going through. They understand your feelings and the pressure you are getting from the outside world. (That tells you to dump your husband without thinking twice about it.)

They can also save you from making the most common mistakes before you end things. Because once you break up, it is difficult to fix it.

You can also do couples therapy or coaching

It’s not a bad idea to work with a couples therapist.

They solve this problem in marriages daily, often with couples who have been together much longer. It’s their job to fix relationships.

So this is one of the times when a couples therapist can be great. They know a lot about it so they can help you perfectly.


Disclaimer:

From this point on, I’m going to advise you to save your relationship. I’m assuming your boyfriend or husband is a goodhearted person who made a really stupid mistake. I’m going to assume he can change.

There are some exceptions:

Click on the links above to find out if you are in one of these exceptional situations. If you don’t recognize either of these situations and you know your man can change, keep reading.


#5: Relationships can recover after an affair

Things go well after man cheated46% of people cheat. Men and women.

The reality is that in the majority of the cases, couples break up immediately.

The truth is that only a small number of couples are willing to fight for the relationship after infidelity. But they are also the only ones who’ll recover from it.

If you want you and your man to recover from this, then I’d like to congratulate you

Because it’s quite possible to have a successful relationship after infidelity, even if the odds are stacked against you. Given that you stick to the things I’ve mentioned so far, and those I will say in just a bit.

Don’t give in to your emotions and the temptation to break up just yet. You might still find a way through this.

But if you let your emotions guide you, it becomes very tough. And there will be people around you who will constantly stir up your feelings and make you angry.

So if you let it, the temptation to break up and never think about that jerk again is going to be massive, and almost impossible to resist.

Every time you notice this is happening, it’s important to remember it’s not your fault.

#6: You’ll have to make an effort to forgive him

You'll have to make an effort to forgive him

If you listen to your friends and family, they will place a lot of guilt on him. And rightfully so. He hurt you.

But if you never let it go and continuously make him having to regain your trust, while you also put a lot of pressure on him – you are not going to be able to recover.

You can’t use this against him for the rest of the time you’re together.

The reasons why this won’t work is simple

  • He probably already regrets it. Look, he did something horrible. And you have every right to tell him that. But if you keep bringing this up, it will not help your relationship to recover. It won’t make him regret it more. He already does regret it.
  • He knows it had nothing to do with you. But if you regularly continue to talk about it, it will make him very uncomfortable. You’re only increasing his guilt.
  • If he finds that you will not drop it, he’ll decide there’s nothing he can do about it. When that happens, he either breaks up with you or accepts his role as a guilty cheater.
  • If he accepts the role of the guilty cheater, it means he’ll do it again. That’s because he takes on the role you gave him. The longer you make him face the fact that you won’t forgive him, the less inclined he will be to do his best. The chances of him giving in to another temptation increases.

People will behave according to the expectations you have of them.

If you act like he’s unfaithful, there’s a bigger chance he’ll actually do it.

If you expect your husband or partner to cheat on you again, I guarantee that it will happen again, eventually.

He’s no stronger than the expectations you’re projecting on him.

So be careful with that.

Choose to forgive him

Woman makes an effort to forgive cheating

No, you don’t have to forgive him right away. Or to conclude that suddenly everything’s fine.

But moving forward, you can go into this with the intent to forgive him.

You’ll have to make an effort to get there.

You might have to control your emotions for six months or more. And work hard to keep the relationship together.

But that’s often better than the alternative; breaking up.

If you want to stay together, that is. Then you’ll have to find some kind of middle ground. He has to show that he can be trusted, and you have to forgive him for the mistakes he has made.

Make no mistake. In many relationships, things go wrong

Suppose we’re 30 years into the future and you did decide to forgive him. And you grew old together, and he turned out to be the man of your dreams. Now you look back on how you handled this situation.

Was it worth forgiving him for the mistake that he made?

Or him forgiving you, if it was the other way around.

Suppose you cheated on him during a weak moment. Don’t you wish your man had forgiven you so you could grow old together?

If you think you’re made for each other, it’s to your advantage to forgive him. That’s not something that happens effortlessly.

He will have to help you with this by showing that he can be trusted.

#7: Have him put all of the cards on the table

Woman have man puts all of his cards on the tableThis is the only way a cheating man can change and be faithful. And how to really keep a man from cheating again.

Tell him he betrayed your trust.

You don’t ask him to put all of his cards on the table because you want to oppress him.

You do it out of love so you can rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Why putting pressure on him is not going to help

I mentioned this briefly before.

If you continue to treat him like a suspect, he’s more likely to screw up again.

That’s why we’re taking the opposite approach. We’re assuming he won’t do it again.

And every day, he’s going to give you evidence that you’re absolutely right.

He can do this by:

  • Letting you check everything on his phone.
  • Giving you the passwords to his e-mail and social media accounts.
  • Telling the truth about where he’s going, and with whom.

 Complete openness can help you to rebuild the trust in your relationship.

That doesn’t mean you have to start and end the day with a Gestapo interrogation. But that you agree on complete transparency as a couple. An agreement where you can ask what you want, and he’ll answer honestly.

Normally, I recommend this method when the woman has been cheating

If you’ve betrayed his trust, the quickest way to fix this is by providing him with insights into everything you are doing. Put all your cards on the table, face reality head-on, and reassure him as much as you can that it won’t happen again.

But this also is the best way the other way around.

If he has cheated on you, let him give you access to everything so you can see for yourself that he is behaving.

So he doesn’t have to convince you of his innocence.

That way, you can see for yourself that everything’s fine. And that he’ll never do it again.

I know it’s incredibly difficult for you. And that the people around you will pity you the minute you decide to forgive him.

But if that’s how you save your relationship or marriage after the infidelity. It’s courageous. It’s a brave decision to keep working on your relationship despite this setback.

What you can do now

If you’re thinking about forgiving him then I recommend you read the tips here on how to forgive a cheater.

But if you feel like this might be heading towards the end for your relationship, at least check out this article first with signs that the relationship is over.

It’s never an easy decision. But whatever you decide to do, trust your heart and not what your friends and family think you should do.

Love,
Tim

Share

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is the head coach of Change Him. In The Netherlands more than 155.000 women follow his advice. He has been featured in numerous Dutch media and magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.
Connect with Tim:

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top