In this article you’ll learn:
- The most effective way to stop and overcome jealousy and the need for control in your relationship.
- What to do when your husband/boyfriend is jealous or controlling.
- How to stop being worried or scared that he’ll leave you for someone else.
- What jealousy and control in a relationship is most often an indication of (Hint: it is NOT what you think it is.)
- How to stop being a jealous or controlling girlfriend and be able to trust him.
How to overcome jealousy in your relationship
Let’s talk about jealousy in a relationship for a minute. Both men and women suffer from it and it causes a lot of problems for many couples.
Women often tell me that they are afraid that their husband or boyfriend is cheating on them.
Men on the other hand sometimes do the most paranoid things because they are convinced that their wife or girlfriend is disloyal, which turns them into this super controlling husband or boyfriend.
They can do anything from:
- Not letting anyone talk to her in the bar or club.
- Not letting her see her friends that she’s known for years.
- Going through her phone to look for evidence to support his made-up theory.
And of course, he blames it all on her. It’s her fault who’s forcing him to act this way because she’s can’t be trusted, no matter what she does.
Makes total sense right…
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of fear and insecurity
First of all, it is important to realize that jealously in general never goes away.
It’s like a chronic illness that you can never cure completely. But there are plenty of things you can do to handle jealousy better in your relationship. So you can still have a good healthy relationship in spite of it.
Any negative feeling, expression, or thought that that comes from the fear of losing the other partner, is jealousy.
Jealousy and the need for control in a relationship originate from one thing: insecurity. The fear of being alone and losing the other partner to someone else.
Another way of saying it is, if you are truly confident about yourself, you are not a jealous person.
“But Tim, a little jealousy can’t hurt, right?”
I know that other inexperienced dating coaches and bad relationship therapists are telling you exactly what you want to hear like:
- Jealousy is a sign that you care about someone.
- The continuous need for control is for someone with a lot of confidence. After all, this person knows what he or she wants.
- Every person is simply made to have a monogamous relationship.
This all sounds very logical, but it’s not true. Jealousy will eventually ruin the relationship.
So how do you stop being jealous and controlling in a relationship?
Jealously is a fire that only burns as long as you give it fuel and attention.
In this article, I will teach you how to stop jealousy and the need for control in your relationship once and for all.
In the first two tips, we’re going to discuss, how to deal with a jealous or controlling husband or boyfriend.
Are you with me?
Below you will find my 5 simple ways to overcome jealousy in your relationship:
1: Adopt a zero-tolerance policy against jealousy
If your boyfriend or husband is getting jealous or is very controlling, you need to set him straight calmly but decisively by adopting a zero-tolerance policy.
Tell him to: “Stop acting like a child and get over your insecurities. It’s massively unattractive and makes you look needy, weak, and pathetic. None of your friends act this way. You need to trust me that nothing is going on.”
I know it takes some boldness to say this, but you’ll thank me later.
Funny enough it’s often the big strong alpha male who has deep insecurities and the need for control. Such as the narcissist.
You don’t want to give his behaviour an inch, and that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about more in the next advice.
2: Never encourage his jealous behavior
I know, I know.
When he is being jealous it’s easy to flatter yourself and think it’s kinda cute.
I often hear women say the following to their partner:
- “Haha. Ah, it is rather cute that you are jealous.”
- “It doesn’t matter. I can feel that you really care about me.”
- “It is quite normal that you feel like this.”
- “I think it is cool and masculine that you want to protect me.”
I understand that you might like the feeling of being wanted, and who doesn’t want you to do something with another guy.
But here’s the thing…
The best way to deal with a jealous or controlling boyfriend/husband
If you are telling him it’s cute (for example) when he’s jealous, you are rewarding his bad behavior and therefore encouraging him it’s okay and to keep up his destructive ways.
Don’t give his insecurities any fuel!
It’s his insecurities. If you give them even the slightest breathing room things could escalate and become much worse.
Because then he knows that you accept him for who he is, which is the opposite of what you want to do,
But if you put your foot down and tell him that he’s acting like a child who doesn’t trust you. Then you force him to change.
You put him to the test. He can decide whether or not to trust you.
And it’s not really about trusting you, it’s about trusting his girlfriend.
Perhaps he has reasons for being a controlling and jealous partner because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him in the past, it’s possible. But it still doesn’t make it okay.
How you can help him deal with his jealousy and the need for control
With the thousands of people I have coached, I constantly see two trends:
Trend 1: Jealous people don’t make it together.
Sooner or later one of the partners will feel trapped and need to get out of the relationship.
Trend 2: People who learn to deal with their jealousy have a better chance of making it.
Take a look at the divorce rate in The United States: Approximately 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce or separation.
To what extent do you think jealousy and the need for control in the relationship contributed to this?
In the next part of the article, I’ll teach you the best way to stop being a jealous and controlling girlfriend.
Tip 3: How to stop being a jealous girlfriend
Feeling jealous is completely fine.
I understand. Everyone feels jealous now and again, both men and women.
Even animals can get jealous when their owner pays more attention to another pet than them.
That doesn’t mean that this behavior is constructive.
Jealousy is a form of passive aggression
The best way to stop being a jealous girlfriend or someone with the need for control is to realize what’s going on inside your head, and stop it before it takes control over you.
Here is a common situation that happens to many couples:
- Let’s say that you and your boyfriend are out for dinner.
- An attractive waitress comes over to take your order.
- She smiles at you both and seems to check out your man.
- Your boyfriend smiles back at her as he tells her your order.
- You get jealous and start going down the negative rabbit hole and thinking all kinds of destructive thoughts like: “does he think she’s prettier than me” “does he want to sleep with her?” etc.
But here’s the thing… Once you get to stage number five it’s important to take a step back, realize what’s going on, and think about the situation logically instead of emotionally.
It’s all in YOUR head.
Of course, it can happen that your boyfriend openly flirts with another woman right in front of you, but even the dumbest man knows that’s not cool.
So take a deep breath and calm yourself down by telling yourself something reassuring like: She’s just doing her job and it’s probably nothing to worry about. She’s a waitress who smiles and is friendly to EVERYONE she meets. That gives her more tips and more money at the end of the day.
You can also tell yourself that you have already beaten her. He’s your man. You are going home with him at the end of the night, not she. So you won. In other words, you have nothing to fear.
If you can stop yourself when the negative thoughts and feelings happen, and think about the situation logically. It becomes much easier for you to deal with it.
Otherwise, you’re going to drive him away from you.
This is the strategy I literally taught to thousands of people to overcome jealousy in their relationship.
Tip 4: Assume the best in him
Do you know how you can turn any man into a cheating pig? Someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries?
By treating him like he’s already that person.
Each time that you notice that you feel jealous, you have to pretend it’s a ridiculous feeling.
Even if you have had a bad experience in the past where your boyfriend or husband cheated on you. Especially if you have had this happen to you.
Just because it has happened to you in the past, doesn’t mean that it will happen to you now or that the guy you’re with now will do it to you.
But you shouldn’t get jealous or start fearing the worst BEFORE you have a good reason to do so.
Until then, assume the best in him and that he would never do this to you.
It’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of destructive thoughts otherwise.
Here’s how it works:
- A woman is in a relationship with a guy.
- He cheats on her for whatever reason.
- She gets traumatized by the experience.
- She develops trust issues and now thinks that all men are cheating pigs.
- With the next guy, she meets she now has a different worldview and thinks that all men and he’s a cheating pig and already assumes the worst in him.
- Her behavior now brings out the worst in him and makes him more likely to cheat on her. (Which in some ways, was her own fault.)
- Her new destructive worldview is reconfirmed by the results of another cheating guy.
Don’t be that woman!
There are still good guys out there.
And if you are always attracting a**holes, players, or guys more likely to cheat then you can check here why you are attracted to these guys.
When your boyfriend or husband goes out and he doesn’t respond to your texts or calls, it can be really frustrating. It’s easy to imagine the worst of all kinds of doomsday scenarios.
But deep down you know that it doesn’t have to mean anything.
Which side are you going to listen to?
Do you trust him? If so, then you have nothing to worry about.
If not, then you probably shouldn’t be with him.
Let’s play out a scenario where we go through what’s going inside a man’s head when he’s dealing with a jealous girlfriend.
- He is at a party having fun with his friends.
- He forgot to charge his phone so his phone dies and he becomes unreachable.
- She texts him as usual.
- He doesn’t reply back and normally he responds very fast to her.
- She sends him another text, or even calls him.
- No answer. Panic sets in and she immediately assumes the worst. “He never takes this long to respond. He’s probably sleeping with another woman”
- Now she really needs to get a hold of him and make sure that everything is ok so she texts and calls him more times.
- In the meantime, he’s out having fun getting drunk with his friends and has completely forgotten about his phone. He has no idea how she’s feeling and that she’s freaking out so he can’t reassure her that nothing is going on.
- He has such a great time with his friends and gets more drunk that he loses track of time and comes home later than he should have.
- When he eventually gets home his girlfriend is crying her eyes out and freaking out because of her insane worry that was entirely in her own head.
- Worst case scenario, now she forbids him from going out and seeing his friends because last time was such a horrible experience for her.
- The poor guy is left wondering what the hell he did to deserve this punishment.
And there you go. That is how you changed a normal guy into a cheater.
This is actually one of the reasons why men cheat, you can read about the others here.
If you are jealous, don’t trust him, and constantly think or be paranoid that he’ll cheat on you or leave you for another woman, then that’s likely going to become what scientists call a “Self-fulfilling prophecy.”
This means that your behavior actually brings out the thing you fear the most.
If you behave like he is a person who is potentially cheating, then he is more likely to cheat when he has the chance.
In his mind he’ll think like this:
“Well, she is already convinced that I am cheating. So there is no point She doesn’t trust me and won’t believe me anyway.
A good relationship is based on trust
If there is no trust, it will NEVER work.
When you get jealous and fear that he’ll cheat on you, it’s important to realize how ridiculous your feelings are.
Put your feelings of jealousy in perspective
One good way of dealing with your jealousy is to put them in perspective and compare it to something much worse.
Here’s an example:
How bad is it really that your boyfriend hasn’t texted you back after 3 hours when he’s out with his friends… When 884 MILLION people today don’t have access to clean water?
Hundreds of millions of people today are also starving and don’t have any food to eat.
What do you think they’ll think about your situation?
It happens to me too that I don’t realize how good I really have it, and how lucky I am. And how my problems are tiny and silly compared to what others are going through.
So put your feelings in perspective.
Tip 5: Consider another type of relationship
What if your jealousy was completely justified all along, and that your boyfriend is constantly flirting with other women and always seeing what’s out there. Or vice versa.
Well if his behavior is not okay for you, you can always break up with him. Or him with you if you are flirting with other guys.
Or if you like each other and still want to keep seeing each other, you can accept the situation for what it is and your desires for what they are.
The first type of relationship: The open relationship
In an open relationship, both of you are allowed to see and sleep with other people.
Why you’d want to do this is because you want to keep variation and different partners.
Many consider an open relationship as a bad thing, but it can be a great way to “have the cake and eat it too” sometimes.
Here are some scenarios:
Let’s say a woman got a boyfriend when she was 20 years old and was together with him for 15 years. Now she’s 35 and just started to go out and have fun. After a few months, she meets a guy she really likes. He seems to have it all and be a perfect match but it doesn’t feel right to jump straight back into a serious relationship. The solution? The open relationship.
Another time maybe it’s a guy with commitment issues. who’s been hurt and cheated on by his ex-girlfriend, and now he can’t have a monogamous relationship right away.
Other times maybe you both just have too much fun being single and you love the freedom that comes with it, but still like spending time together. Removing that freedom would actually ruin what you have together.
Here’s another way to look at it:
Imagine that you knew that your partner could date whoever he wants…
but he always comes back to you.
You see it for what it is, it’s just sex. And he wants variation.
But you are better than anyone he’ll ever meet, and it’s impossible to have as much fun together as you two have.
His love for you doesn’t change, even if either of you sleep with other people.
There’s an enormous strength to that mindset. You accept your feelings for what they are and realize that it’s just physical.
It makes you look tremendously cool and stand out from all other women out there. It’s unheard of and something most women wouldn’t be able to “tolerate”. They would see themselves as being “incomplete” or “not enough for him”, when in fact. No woman would be and this is the best possible scenario for that exact situation.
With that said… It could also mean that he’s not 100% satisfied with you or the relationship for any reason (and might never be), so he wants to keep looking for a more suitable partner while he’s still able to get regular sex. It’s very closely related to leading you on.
With this type of relationship, sure it’s always a risk that he’ll leave you for another “better” suitable woman. But that’s always a risk.
The question you should ask yourself is. How confident are you about your relationship? How strong are you really? Because this is NOT for the faint-hearted.
The second type of relationship: LAT relationship (living apart together relationship)
Maybe you or he feel trapped by living together, and you would both be happier by living apart but still being together.
You just love to have your own space and not have to worry or think about how messy it is. You can be your own boss 100% of the time.
Again you accept the facts and the situation for what it is, and then you deal with it and make the decision that would make you the happiest.
Based on yourselves and your situation, now what anyone else tells you to do or what they think is right.
Overcoming jealousy in a relationship is not easy
It can ruin the relationship.
This article can perhaps be summarised in this way:
If he’s the jealous and insecure one, he needs to work on it. If you think it’s childish and can’t stand it, dump him.
If you are the jealous one, work on it. Through trust and seeing that most of it is just in your head, you’ll get better at dealing with it.