How Men Think - 11 Simple Rules To Understand A Man

How Men Think – 11 Simple Rules To Understand A Man

How men think. 11 rules to understand a man

In this article you will learn:

  • The truth on what’s going on inside the head of a guy, and what men really think.
  • How to understand the male mind and the psychology in relationships (and the difference between men & women).
  • What drives and motivates a guy to always have to win and be the best at everything.
  • What fundamental principles men need to feel good about themselves in general, and in any relationship.
  • The best way to get through to a guy so that he understands (it’s not what you think).

The key to a man’s heart is to make him feel understood

 Recently I received an email from a woman who wrote:

“Hey Tim, I have been having a relationship with a man for 4 years. We are crazy about each other, but sometimes we also drive each other mad. I recently found out through your articles that this can be because we don’t fully understand each other. So my question is: How can I know what my man thinks?”

That’s a very good question. Because many times when a man feels like he’s not understood, that’s when he’ll lose interest in a woman.

But before I respond to the question above, I would first like to say that I think it’s great you’ve decided to make an effort and land on this page. Afterall, the world would be a much better place, if we (both men and women) would take some time to understand each other a bit better.

So, today you are not just a casual “reader”. You are an improver of the world 😉.

And I like to help people who want the best for others.

So here they are: 11 rules to help you understand how men think.

#1: Take his word literally

How men think - take his world literally

Here is a situation that happens quite often:

When a woman gets asked out by a guy she doesn’t like, she often says something like:

“I am really busy at the moment and I am not sure whether I have time.”

This is actually her subtle way of saying:

I don’t really want to go out with you. But I also don’t want to hurt your feelings”

But the funny thing is…

If we reverse the situation and a woman asks a man out (as rare as it may be), and he responds with:

“I am really busy at the moment and I am not sure when I have time.”

He actually means it.

But women often thinks a guy means that he doesn’t like her. But that’s not correct.

Often when a man says he is busy, he really is busy. Most men at least.

There are some cowardly guys who would say this when they don’t want to meet up with a woman. But in that case, it’s more likely that they’d just ghost her.

Men don’t speak “subtle female language”. We don’t understand anything about that “complicated language”. We prefer to keep it simple and straightforward.

In other words:

Take what a guy says literally.”

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t look for alternative motives. Just listen literally to what he has to say. That way you will understand him a lot better.

#2: Realize that a man needs time to himself

Man needs space to do his own thing

It doesn’t matter whether you met each other yesterday at Starbucks, whether you have been dating for 4 months or if you have been having a relationship for 7 years: a man needs time to himself.

This time is appropriately called “man time”.

Research shows that 8 out of 10 men find this crucially important in a relationship.

If you think about it, that’s not very surprising. As you might know, men and women have different needs. And it is impossible to fulfil all of those needs together. The woman also benefits greatly from spending time to herself or to hang out with her friends.

That’s why relationships where both partners have time to themselves are the ones who thrive together.

Otherwise he’s extremely likely to suddenly drop the bomb on you that “he needs space or time to think”, when everything seems to be going fine.

#3: Men have 7-8 times more testosterone than women

understanding the male mind in relationships

Here is a fact about guys that you might not know. Men have as much as 7-8 times more testosterone than women.

Testosterone answers two frequently asked questions of:

  1. Why are men so competitive?
  2. Why do men have such a high libido?

This is something that might be a bit hard for women to fully understand.

Why some guys always have to be “the man in the room”, or win over other men. It’s often stupid, meaningless and even ridiculous at times.

But that’s who the biggest so called alpha males are. They have to win at everything.

And they can’t get enough of sex. Which in most cases is of course only a good thing.

But it something important to understand.

This explains why men always want to be the best. Whether this is at work, in relationships or at the sports club. In principle, we always want to win.

And I know that there are a lot of women who find this irritating.

And do you?

I don’t blame you. This competitive urge turns us into little children sometimes. Even when we ere 83 years old.

That’s the reason why men like sports and games so much.

#4: Accept that many guys are socially clumsy

How to understand a man

I often say that men are “stupid”.  I don’t mean that they are dumb in terms of intelligence (Although some men suffer from this as well), what I mean is that they are clumsier when dealing with social situations.

One reason for this is that males have up to 10 times less white brain mass than women. Which means we make far fewer connections. Which makes men think much more simplistic and logically than women do.

Here’s what Rex Jung a neuropsychologist says about it:

“This, according to Rex Jung, a UNM neuropsychologist and co-author of the study, may help to explain why men tend to excel in tasks requiring more local processing (like mathematics), while women tend to excel at integrating and assimilating information from distributed gray-matter regions in the brain, such as required for language facility. These two very different neurological pathways and activity centers, however, result in equivalent overall performance on broad measures of cognitive ability, such as those found on intelligence tests.”

That is why it is so dangerous when a woman thinks “that he will just get it” Or worse, “that he will feel it.”

The reality is that men don’t now sense these kind of things at all

If there’s one thing a man doesn’t understand, it’s:

“What a woman is feeling ”

Men are terrible at picking up on non-verbal signals. We often fail to notice when “something is wrong”. And it’s even worse when it comes to texting and they’re completely without tonality, facial expression and other indicators that you have in real life to help.

I don’t say this as an excuse for men’s limited behavior. But purely because we are socially clumsy. So the next time he does something you don’t like, tell him what he should be doing differently.

With that said… If you want to improve your digital communication with men then I recommend that you check out the 5 most common texting mistakes women make.

#5 Use simple language when you talk to a guy

Couple on a walk

Having a good communication is crucial to understanding each other in a relationship. In the previous rule you learned that men are bad at recognizing non-verbal signals. This means that you must communicate with him in a way that he can easily and clearly understand.

  • Men communicate in a factual way, it is a means of exchanging information.
  • Women communicate in an emotional way, it is a means to build or strengthen mutual bonds.

Generally speaking, guys have about 6.5x the amount of gray matter that is related to general intelligence than women, and women have about 10x the amount of white matter related to intelligence than men. Here is the difference:

Gary matter represents information processing centres in the brain, and white matter represents the connections between those processing centres.

In reality that that means is that when you’re speaking to him, he is constantly looking for facts of pieces of information that he can understand.

I can hear you think: “Yeah and, do you think I am stupid?”

No. I don’t think that.

But what I do think is that this is so often underestimated that it might just be in the top 5 relationship advice. So make no mistake. As a coach I see it happen again and again…

Couples who argus because they don’t understand each other very well.

They both think:

I would have done it this way…, so why doesn’t… do it like this?”

Well, dear readers. That’s simply because men and women are so different from each other. That’s why we both react differently in certain situations.

But because you probably already knew this. I won’t go too deep into this. As long as you keep in mind that you are different from each other. Then it’s a lot easier to understand a man. Especially in combination with the other tips…

This is why there is often miscommunication in a relationship

Now you will of course wonder: “How do I talk to a man?”

Well, my dear reader. The answer is very straightforward. Use simple language. That is the only way that he will understand 100% what you mean.

#6: Men also have insecurities

understanding the male mind in relationships

I know. If there’s one word that women think doesn’t belong in the men’s vocabulary, it’s the word “insecure“.

Through the eyes of a woman, few men are insecure.

But is this correct? definitely not.

Many guys have fears and deep insecurities the same way that women have. And then you add the deep drive to always be the best (which almost no man can live up to), doesn’t really help.

Many high achievers, professional athletes and powerful men often became this way because they wanted to impress their father.

A guy might be confident, self-assured and believe in himself. Which are all very attractive qualities to have. But don’t be fooled by his tough appearance.

Instead, make him feel good and better about himself when he’s around you. And he’ll start to associate all of those good feelings with YOU. Which will make him appreciate you more and want to spend more time with you.

He’ll also lie to you less about small and big things because he feels like he can be honest with you.

Here are two things you can start doing today:

  • Give him compliments
  • Laugh at his jokes

I talk about this more in my article of how to make him fall crazily in love with you.

#7: A man must feel respected

Flirt with him

Okay so the first thing here is that the guy actually must show that he’s a man that deserves and should be respected.

But there are a number of very simple things a woman can do to earn the respect of a man.

  • If you are going on a date with a guy, show up on time. Be punctual. If you have agreed to meet 7.05pm then be there 7.05pm or earlier and don’t be late. Time is the most precious thing we have and to not respect a man’s time is highly disrespectful. That is of course just as true if you are in a relationship with a guy.
  • Respect his boundaries and who he is as a person. If you show up at a guy’s home for the first time and everything is almost pedantically clean.Then make sure that you leave the place like you found it. Don’t make a mess.
  • Keep your word. If you said you were going to pick up the kids from daycare after work, you do it. If you said you were going to buy groceries after work, you do it. Or you tell him that you can’t so he knows the plan changed. 

These things might sound obvious to many, but you have no idea how many couples suffer from simple communication issues that could have been easily avoided.

#8: A guy needs sex to feel good about himself

male psychology in relationships includes a lot of intimacy

One of the most satisfying part of being a man is to conquer a woman, and know that you got chosen. Out of all the guys in the world, you did something right which made her want to be with you.

That’s an enormously good feeling that gives a great sense of accomplishment. And rightfully so. Seducing and picking up a woman is freaking hard. I cover this in more detail in this article.

When you’re having sex your body releases oxytocin and endorphins (the feel good hormones) that makes you feel relaxed, relieved of  stress and also gives you a feeling of intimacy with your partner.

I even know a guy who sings the morning after every time he has sex (yes, no kidding). He has the easiest tells in the world, no wonder I always beat him at poker games.

Do you want him to be singing after having slept with you? Then check out this article with 17 surprising things men want in bed but will never tell you.

But here is a big difference between men and women when it comes to sex:

Let’s say a couple breaks up after 5 years together.

The woman in the relationship can easily sustain from sex for a quite long time and still feel ok about herself (with all things considered).

The man on the other hand is going to feel worse if he doesn’t find anyone to sleep with shortly after. Masturbation doesn’t cut it or come close to the real thing. He is a 24/7 working sperm factory and needs the real deal to relieve stress and feel good about himself.

Here is how bad it is…

If a guy is not getting sex, it feels like a deep part of him is missing and he is a failure as a man

He can try to escape this feeling by fleeing into drugs, alcohol, porn or whatever the case may be. But he’s never going to be able to get rid off feeling.

That’s why I don’t believe in porn or the new sex robots that are coming. But what’s even more frightening is that there is a horde group of men that are not seeing anyone at all and sort of quit dating completely and tries to satisfy their needs in these ways. No wonder they’re miserable.

And just to clarify… That doesn’t mean that I’m saying that a guy should never be alone or needs a woman to be happy with himself. That’s an entirely different topic.

You should be 100% happy in your own skin, then your partner can make you happier.

Every guy also watch porn sometimes, and that’s totally fine. You can read here to find out why.

#9: Men don’t respond well to threats or ultimatums

how men think about threats and ultimatums

If you want to get something out of a man, or get your man to help you with something. Then the worst thing you can do is to threaten him to do it.

Men don’t respond well to threats or ultimatums of any kind but will see it as a victory and a challenge to sustain from it instead. Which is the opposite of what you want.

Sometimes women use ultimatums or threats to try to get a guy to change or for him to do something. But it rarely works and more often than not only brings the opposite effect.

  • “If you don’t c0me home right now, I’ll never sleep with you again.” – Fine I’ll just fix it myself or find another woman.
  • “If you can’t start helping out around the house more then I’m moving out” – Fine then I’ll have more time to myself.
  • “If you won’t stop playing that damn song on the speaker, I’ll break those damn speakers” – Fine I’ll enjoy pissing you off until then.

As you can see it will only cause conflict and not resolve anything. It goes against his masculinity. Choices are important to a man. An ultimatum doesn’t give him (much) choice.

So, it’s better to solve it in some other way than to give him with an ultimatum.

Here you can read 10 secret ways to change a man for the better and get him to do the things you want him to.

#10: Men focus best on one thing at the time

A man is singularly focused

Here’s one thing many women can do much better than most men. Handle many things at the same time. And I really envy that. It’s straight down impressive sometimes.

In this study conducted by Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences on 1000 brain scans , they revealed that men tend to be better at focusing on single tasks, while women tend to be better at multitasking.

So how can you use this in your relationship?

Well if you want your man to do help you with 10 things for example. Just give him one at the time. Giving him all ten things at once will likely overwhelm him and increase the likelihood that he won’t do it properly. Which is only going to make you both irritated, unnecessarily I might add.

You could of course give him a shopping list of 10 things, that’s not what I’m saying. But if you want him to go shopping, walk the dog, help the kids with their homework and see your mother for dinner. Then it’s very likely he’ll forget most of these things later on. And it’s a much more efficient way to do it.

#11: A man’s purpose is his biggest desire

A man's purpose is his biggest desire

One of the most heartbreaking things in today’s world where we have everything available to us with the click of a finger, is that more people than ever feel depressed and that life is meaningless.

So many men and women are drifting through the world aimlessly, like a ship without a captain. And a man who doesn’t know where he’s going is going to feel depressed and like life is meaningless. Because it is.

And if a guy doesn’t know who he is or where he is going, then no woman will ever be able to see herself with him either.

The opposite of this is the attractive guy who knows exactly who he is and where he is going. The most important thing to a man like that is his purpose and destiny. Everything else second.

It doesn’t mean that family or his woman comes second. King Richard’s purpose was to raise Venus and Selena Williams to become tennis superstars. Whereas Elon Musk’s purpose is to colonise Mars. These are of course very extreme examples. Most men find joy in meaningful work and to try and be a good father to their kids, or a good husband to their wives.

If you just started seeing a guy then this can also make him unable to commit to having a relationship right now, because his purpose and his mission is his only priority right now and the only thing he can focus on.

Well, now you know how men think and can understand them better

It’s often a lot more simple than it seems. But these are rules that every woman should know about men.

If he feels like you truly understand him, then you already stand out from all other women he has ever been with.


PS: Here you can read some other articles that you might be interested in:


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1 thought on “How Men Think – 11 Simple Rules To Understand A Man”

  1. I need to chime in and say, your point about a man’s purpose being the MOST important thing in his life is so true. A woman who is aligned with it, takes it seriously, supports it, and does not get in the way of it, is super precious to him. This sometimes takes sacrifice (and I wouldn’t recommend it unless you really love the guy because sometimes it is lonely), but if the man succeeds (and you are still with him), often you are his queen, and get to enjoy all the material benefits he amasses by being focused on his purpose.

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Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and social psychology bestseller author from the Netherlands.  He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle.

Hi, I’m Tim Veninga. Since 2008 I’ve been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives.

For years I’ve only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it.

If you want to get started learning the best of my advice, I recommend you download the 5 texting mistakes most women make.

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