Here’s what you’ll learn:
- The clear answer to your question: “Why do I always fall for players or a**holes?”
- How a player makes you addicted to him, without you realizing it.
- The scientific reason why women are attracted to bad boys.
- Why players are often emotionally unstable, and NOT who you think they are.
- How you can stop dating these men and find happiness in your love life.
The science as to why you always end up with a player, a**hole, or bad boy…
Let me ask you something.
Do you always fall for players or jerks?
The guy who seems like a great guy at first, but the longer you get to know him, the more you find out about his dark side?
He who might date several women besides you? Mistreats you? And drinks, lies, and cheats?
But above all: Are you attracted to guys that play with your heart?
Then you’re not the only one.
Many women find these men attractive. Some call them bad boys, players, or jerks. Scientists have shown that they have more bed partners than nice guys. And even have more children.
“But how come I fall in love with players or a**holes, while my girlfriends have good relationships with nice guys?”
That has to do with two things.
- Which phase you’re in. During some periods, you’re more likely to go for these emotionally unavailable men.
- How long you will be in that phase. This varies from woman to woman and there is no clear-cut answer for every individual.
Every woman has a phase in her life when she prefers to be on a roller coaster rather than taking a boring walk in the park.
During that time she’ll go out and probably flirt with a bunch of men, instead of sitting at home watching a talent show in her sweatpants with a guy.
But are you more adventurous than your girlfriends? Or are you just in that phase of your life right now?
Whatever the case may be, you’re not only one.
Here’s what pop stars are saying about bad boys
“Bad boys always catch my eye…”
The fact that a lot of women love players is so common that hundreds of songs have been written about them.
Lady Gaga already sang in Pokerface: “If love isn’t rough, it isn’t fun.”
And no one has put it more beautifully than Alexandra Burke:
She sings “I know that they are no good for me, but I take that risk for the chemistry.”
And that’s where the problem lies.
The disadvantages of players and emotionally unavailable men…
But you get into a relationship with them over and over again, because of the advantages.
As a woman, it’s something you have a hard time controlling. I understand that.
That’s why I wrote this article.
To explain why you always fall for them so you can decide for yourself if you want to go continue with it or not.
I think if you see the whole situation through the lens of your own desires, you’ll get a better grip on them.
Then you’ll have the choice to take things as far as you’d like with him, without getting your heart broken by an emotionally unavailable man.
I’ll give some tips about that at the end of the article. Here you can also check out how to get over a player.
But before that, I want you to pay attention and read along with me, as it’s quite a list of reasons.
Reason #1: A**holes are sexually attractive
Your mom and girlfriends probably want you to date so-called “nice guys.”
A nice guy who:
- Is kind to you, pulls out your chair when you want to sit down, and takes good care of you.
- Openly talks about his feelings and always understands yours.
- Wants to hold your hand when you’re having a hard time.
- And for example is the one to take out the garbage without you having to ask for it.
But wait a minute!
Here’s a piece of science that shows something interesting…
Even though your girlfriends think you want a perfect man that provides all comforts for you, research shows you’re looking for something else.
Because they are taking your sexuality out of the equation.
It makes sense, too. They don’t want to know what you’re doing in bed.
Let’s just say that, that’s the area where jerks and bad boys have more to add.
“Players and jerks are better in bed”
That’s just because they’ve gained more experience. It’s as simple as that. Because players have had more girls, they know better how to satisfy a woman.
At the same time, they also know what NOT to do in bed. So you won’t be turned off when you sleep with them.
Scientists have researched this. They revealed that the more important sex is to a woman, the more likely she is to fall for a player.
At the same time, nice guys are more attractive to women who don’t value sex as highly. They place a higher value on good dates, and that’s where nice guys perform significantly better.
That’s why he’s making you so crazy.
It’s your hormones.
“But Tim, what makes players more attractive than nice guys?”
Well, I have an explanation for that.
Reason #2: They don’t always give you what you want
Nice guys are very predictable.
If a man is always there for you, you know where you stand in the relationship.
That’s very handy. But is it exciting…?
A player does what he wants – and sometimes he doesn’t want you
And because you don’t always have his attention, you want it EVEN MORE.
When something’s scarce, it becomes more valuable.
Other animals do precisely the same. Nothing is as intriguing as not getting what you want.
You’re going to be chasing that reward until you get it. Just like a pigeon does with food in B.F Skinner’s study here.
That’s also how you get caught in a vicious circle:
- You ask for the attention of a player.
- He doesn’t give it to you.
- You get more interested in getting that man’s attention, and you try harder to get it.
- He gives you attention.
- You think, “YES! I’ve got him.”
- Then he distances himself from you again.
- And you are back at step 1.
And that’s very convenient for him.
An emotionally unavailable man is aware of this whole strategy and uses it against you.
That’s how he keeps you on a leash, without you realizing it.
You’ll find him increasingly attractive, and he’s taking advantage of that.
Reason #3: He doesn’t make you feel lukewarm, but alternates between ice-cold and burning hot
What I’m about to tell you is a secret that is important for you to know.
If you understand this, you’ll have a massive advantage over other women who continue to fall for the wrong men.
Maybe you’ve noticed that when a woman gets mistreated by a man, she seems to get addicted to him.
She can say, for example:
“Yeah, he’s being a jerk. And he hurts me a lot. But when we’re alone, he’s very sweet to me. I can’t bear the thought of leaving him.”
So not only is he being a jerk to her. He is also showing that he likes her. He’s doing both.
Look, it’s not only that these men just make you feel angry or sad. If it was, you would never have fallen for him, right?
No, it’s that he gives you reasons to both like him and hate him
This sounds contradictory. Because if you hate someone, you’re going to get him out of your life, yes?
But it’s not that black and white — time for a quick biology class.
- Positive emotions cause substances to be released into your body.
- Negative emotions do the same – but these are entirely different substances.
When you’re constantly happy, your body becomes accustomed to the substances associated with happiness. And you become less sensitive to it.
But an a**hole doesn’t want you to be happy all the time. That’s not good for his attraction, or his control over you. And he’s not interested in that.
So he does something to piss you off or make you cry.
Other substances are released into your body from the anger or sadness you feel.
Because your body now experiences feelings that it hasn’t experienced as frequently, these can be very overwhelming.
Especially when he brings out strong emotions in you. It releases so many substances that it does something interesting to your brain. It causes stress, but also a ‘rush’.
It’s like skydiving. Your body screams: “I’m falling, and I’m going to die.”
But you know you have control over it because you have a parachute on your back, and very often an instructor with you. This gives you an adrenaline rush.
It’s the same with players or emotionally unavailable men. They are making you sad – but you still have a relationship with them.
A well-known saying goes:
“I didn’t know a man could make me feel that way.”
And that’s not all.
Let’s say that he is a bigger jerk than usual to you, and this time you are crying your heart out for days. But then a few days later, he does something very kind and sweet to make it up to you. Here, too, the experience of the situation gives you a rush, and the same thing happens as with the skydiving.
And not only that. Because you’ve been sad for a few days after all the drama, your feelings of happiness come back even stronger.
This keeps you addicted to him.
Reason #4: He’s good at hitting on women
This is one of the easiest signs to recognize he’s a player.
A lot of women think that a**holes quickly get tired of being with the same woman. There’s a little truth in that, and you’ll read more about that in a minute.
But every woman also has her limits. And sooner or later, she’ll say:
“That’s it. I’ve had enough of his behavior.“
And breaks up with that man for good. And he has to look for a new woman, again.
But since he hasn’t changed anything about his behavior, he will always come across women that sooner or later will dump him.
The result? He turns into a player.
A player is a guy who knows from experience what women want. He knows which buttons to push. He’s had a lot of experience hitting on women because he constantly has to look for new ones.
In that regard, he’s very different from a normal man. A regular guy is going to feel a little awkward hitting on you. He won’t know what to do, and he’ll be a bit nervous.
And, of course, that’s somewhat cute. But is it very masculine? Not really.
Think about it…
It’s great if the guy that hits on you knows exactly how to take you by storm. And make you feel like you’re the only woman for him.
But after he’s done that to you, he will then go and do the exact same thing with another woman.
Reason #5: They seem emotionally stable – but in reality, they’re not
So the player or an emotionally unavailable man has more experience with women. That makes him look at you differently.
He knows what to expect. A normal man doesn’t know that.
He also brings out intense emotions in you because of his behavior, as I mentioned earlier.
And when that’s happening to you, it doesn’t phase him. He’s seen it before.
As a result, he remains very calm under situations where you either become outraged and scream at him or overjoyed with happiness. That can seem very cold-hearted.
The scientific term for this is ‘non-responsive’, which means, he’s staying unreactive.
And research shows that women become more attracted to men when they react less to their emotions. The calmer a man is during this emotional roller coaster, the more attractive women find him.
But why is that?
Since he doesn’t respond to emotions, he seems more emotionally balanced.
And women have a natural need for emotionally stable men.
“Emotional stability is the opposite of psychological problems.”
And starting a relationship with a guy with mental problems? Not very wise.
A man who’s depressed, aggressive, or addicted is no fun to be with.
With that being said, it is not that easy to avoid those men.
If a man is emotionally stable, he’s less likely to suffer from these problems. Because people who suffer from these illnesses all have a hard time dealing with stress.
It’s especially true for men with anti-social disorders that sometimes take it out on their wives.
So observing how a man deals with pressure, is a reliable way of determining how mentally healthy he is. And how safe you are in his presence. That way, you can avoid men who are not suitable for you.
And yes, jerks and players are bad for you too, but in a different way.
The player you had a relationship with, didn’t start to hit you when you ran out of ketchup. And that’s what some mentally ill men do.
And I really don’t want to scare you. 80% of the men are healthy and don’t have any problems at all.
And that’s exactly why I wanted to warn you about the minority that isn’t as nice.
Emotional stability equals protection
Not so long ago…
We didn’t live in apartments with flat-screen TVs and had a fridge full of food.
No, we used to hunt and gather. We lived together in small tribes.
And when I talk about “not so long ago” I mean 250,000 years ago.
In those times, women were responsible for the social aspects of the tribe and made sure everyone got along well with each other.
The men, on the other hand, were responsible for the protection of the tribe.
Besides that, they had to hunt — not a very relaxing activity.
There was no room for an emotionally sensitive man.
But a man who could keep his cool when he was surrounded by flying spears or saber-toothed tigers? That’s a guy you could count on.
And that’s why women are attracted to men who stay calm during stressful situations.
So when he remains unphased during your emotional breakdown, your primal brain goes:
“Wow, he’s calm even if I go crazy! I’m sure he can protect me very well!”
This gives you two reasons for believing that a calm player is emotionally stable:
- They’re safer than mentally ill men.
- They can protect you in the threat of danger.
There’s only one problem with that conclusion
Nowadays, flying spears and saber-toothed tigers are hardly around anymore.
The result is that it’s easy to make a judgment error, and think he’s a guy that handles stress very well. Because he didn’t react when you threw the plates on the ground in front of him.
But you forget to take into account that it’s only in this particular, ‘non-threatening’ situation.
It doesn’t mean he’ll react the same way in other situations.
In fact, it says very little about how he deals with other stressful situations in his life. Perhaps he completely freaks out if something goes wrong at work.
Or maybe he’s used to dealing with women, but he is entirely incapable of getting along with men, and that can cause him to slightly panic in those situations.
That’s why it’s good to give a man a small test before you start a relationship with him. To find out just how safe and protective he really is.
Look at how he behaves in other situations.
- Does he remain calm if you introduce him to other alpha males?
- And how is he doing if he has a terrible day at work? Is he as steady and collected when he returns home afterward?
So test him. That way you can be sure you’ve got an emotional rock of a man and not just a calm playboy.
Reason #6: Other women seem to like him
When I was younger and I used to have homework after school, I sometimes turned on the TV.
There were cartoons on a couple of TV channels. And on other channels, you had those terrible commercials that last half an hour.
You know the ones for plastic fitness products that make you slim or muscular, without having to do anything?
The most hilarious one, was an advertisement for a company that was selling a magical necklace that somehow helped you get rid of all kinds of ailments.
While I watched it, I kept thinking to myself:
“How can people fall for this?”
The answer is very simple.
Because in that super bad ad, for that atrocious product, people are constantly saying that it worked for them.
Normal every day people spend ten minutes talking about how great the necklace is.
It almost gets you to want to buy one.
It works the same players.
There are similarities between that necklace and players.
Let’s say you’re in one of your local bars one night, and you see a beautiful woman go home with one of the guys who’s famous for being a player.
At first, you think, “Who would go for this? You must be really stupid to go home with him!”
But then you see another woman leaving with him the next week, and she perfectly normal. You know her, and she’s smart, sweet, and beautiful.
And a week later, you see exactly the same thing happen again. Another woman goes home with him.
Then you may start questioning your intuition. Of course, you also want a strong, nice man in your life. And the moment you see that so many other women like him, you can be starting to think:
“Oh my, if those girls like him… Then there must be something about him that I haven’t seen yet! Let’s find out!”
And as soon as you do that and you walk up to him…
Well just leave the rest in the hands of the player. He’s got plenty of experience.
Reason #7: Nice guys don’t come across as sincere
There’s a lot to be said about players.
But they’re not afraid about whether you like them or not.
That is if they start hitting on you.
And if they do have any fears, they are not going to show it to you.
Nice guys, on the other hand…
Their first priority is to make you happy and their own priorities always come second.
But what woman wants to date a man who doesn’t care about his own desires?
Guys who are jerks have standards
Because players and a**holes have had many girls, they know what they like and don’t like. And they are good at communicating that to women.
Is she not getting along with him? Great, then there’s somebody else. And then he just walks away.
Nice guys, on the other hand, are concerned about how you feel. They’re afraid you won’t like them if they don’t constantly make you happy.
The result is that they can come across as insincere.
You must have had a time when you were talking to a nice guy and thought:
“Is he saying he likes shopping because I happened to mention it, or is he serious?”
A player speaks his mind.
If he doesn’t care about fashion, he’ll just subtly change the subject.
This way, he’ll get more out of your conversation, but so will you. And you’ll know if he’s reliable and sincere or not.
You get the feeling that he is not trying to manipulate you. Or at least not in the same way as those nice guys who are pretending to like the same things you do.
Reason #8: You have to make an effort for him
An emotionally unavailable man has more options. And he makes you aware of that, too.
Since you know he can get other women, you’ll put in your very best to win him over.
You don’t want to lose that cute guy because he’s running off with another woman.
As a result, you will be more inclined to put more effort to get him.
But that’s not all.
I explained to you in reason #2 that men like this don’t always give you what you want.
That makes you more inclined to wanting his attention more, purely to try and get it.
And what happens when you spend a lot of time on a guy?
You think about him, all the time.
And all that time you spend thinking about him, you’re not thinking about other men.
That way he’s always on your mind, and it becomes tough to get rid of him.
Reason #9: You don’t put an end to it
This is the most important reason of them all.
I’m not trying to blame you for falling for the wrong person.
A lot of women suffer from this. And they can’t help it. They feel an unstoppable attraction and can’t do anything about it.
But as a result, they’re hurting themselves.
If that happens once, no problem.
If it happens a second or third time, that’s okay too.
But all those other times after that? Then it’s time to scratch your head and think about what you are doing.
Nature is stronger than you.
I’ve explained to you about the way players behave, how they make you addicted to them, and that it’s challenging to distance yourself from them.
If you remember this and look for these signals when it happens, then you can learn to recognize them and decide if you want to go through with it or not.
One more thing…
The following is something that many women struggle with, and it’s only because of the nature of these men.
Women think they can change him
Maybe he told her about a terrible childhood experience or some other problem that is troubling him. Perhaps it’s also very pathetic.
But this should be a sign to run away from him quickly. He really has to figure that out on his own. And if it’s a severe problem, it’s of course very difficult and it will take a long time to fix. Because changing people is not something that happens overnight.
If you’re going to wait until he’s ready for a real relationship and to finally open up to you, then you can do that forever.
Some women are confused and think he’ll change. That’s not the case.
If he tells her a sob story that shows his sensitive side, she’ll connect with that. And then when he’s sweet to her, she’ll interpret it as “that’s because I’m there for him, because I’ve helped him.”
I want to ask you to not make this mistake.
He’s responsible for his own problems. And even if you’re kind and helpful to him, he’s responsible for making sure he’s good to you.
What players are to some women, McDonald’s is to me
I know it’s not good for me. It’s full of artificial flavors, salt, sugar, and fat. Completely unhealthy.
Yet I feel like eating there every time I see that big yellow “M” in the distance.
But will I do it?
Because I recognize that big yellow M as a source of tasty food, and at the same time, I see it as a source of unhappiness. I know if I eat there too often, I’ll get fat and unhealthy. And, of course, I don’t want that. So I won’t go there.
Players are like eating at McDonald’s
You eat something (you go on a date with them), and at first, it’s delicious. But over time, you’ll feel empty and depressed.
Because you don’t get the nutrients (love) you need.
You know that Brussels sprouts (nice guys) are much healthier. You try it once. At first, you think it’s not tasty.
You’re not used to the taste, and you find it boring.
So you get a nice Big Mac (a player) one more time. And you feel bad again the next day.
That’s what happens a couple of times, up until a certain point when enough is enough.
From that moment on, you choose to eat Brussels sprouts. You think seriously about what you really want.
And after a while, it turns out that if you keep eating the sprouts, they actually taste delicious, and make you feel great. You just had to get used to it. And by nice guys, I don’t mean a boring guy. But someone who treats you great and makes you happy.