Is He Using Me For Sex? 16 Signs He Only Wants You For Sex

Is He Using Me For Sex? 16 Clear Signs He Only Wants To Sleep With You

In this article you’ll learn:

  • 16 clear signs he is only using you for sex and will never commit.
  • The answer to your question: “It feels like he only wants me for sex. What can I do when our relationship is just physical?” 
  • What it means when a guy just wants a “sex relationship”.
  • How to easily find out his true feelings about you (If he doesn’t like you that much and only wants to sleep with you), even when he doesn’t want you to know the truth.
  • What to do when you’re being used by a guy.

How to know if he just wants you for sex and has no intention of ever having a real relationship with you

Is He Using Me For Sex? 16 Clear Signs He Only Wants To Sleep With You 1

So how can you tell if a guy wants to date you or just sleep with you…

There are quite a lot of women who are afraid that a guy is using them for sex. They believe that a man only sees them as a toy.

And that’s often the case because many men only want women for sex.

I received the following question on email the other day:

“It feels like he only wants me for my body and for sex. How can I know for sure if our relationship is just physical?”

There are several things you can do when a guy only wants to see you for just one thing.

Most women believe that they can easily recognize these guys, they think…

If a man uses me for sex:

  • He will be very blunt
  • He won’t let me stay the night
  • He won’t do sweet things for me

Sometimes it can be that easy…

But sometimes the guy is better at hiding his true intentions and won’t easily let you in on his true feelings about you.

The reality is that it’s usually a lot more difficult to recognize the man who’s good at hiding the fact that he uses a woman for sex

For example, a man can be very kind to you, but still only want to get laid and have a “just sex relationship.”

But it’s a lot easier to recognize these men when you know what to look for.

And to make that as easy as possible for you, I have made a simple checklist you can use right away to quickly find out his true intentions about you and your relationship.

In other words, if he only sees you for just one thing, or if he actually likes you.

Here are the 16 clear signs that he’s using you for sex:

1. He only wants to meet at home

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The first couple of times you went on dates together, but soon afterwards he only wanted to see you at his place or yours.


When you are home it’s always possible to have sex. And this way, he doesn’t have to put too much time and energy into it.

Many men often try to be as efficient as possible and to put as little energy into getting laid as possible, if they can.

But if a guy is genuinely interested in you and sees you as a potential girlfriend, then he would want to take you everywhere and do all kinds of activities with you. If he’s not? Then he only wants to meet up at home.

2. He never makes the effort to genuinely get to know you

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This is a very obvious one that you have to pay attention to.

How to tell if a guy wants to date you or just sleep with you

When a man is in love, he wants to know everything there is to know about his woman. And this will of course not change after the first time they had sex.

He wants to find out about her history, her past experiences, and all the things that she does to keep her busy every day.

In other words, he is genuinely interested in her personality and what’s going on in her life.

There is no need to instantly worry if the guy doesn’t seem interested in you, but it does raise some suspicions and it’s definitely something to keep an eye out for.

Look for more of the other signs in this article if you can recognize more of them in him, his behavior, and his actions, not what he says to you.

Here’s an example:

Does he only compliment you on your looks and never asks you anything about your personality? Then it’s a clear sign that he is not interested in getting to know you, and you’re not valued very highly by him.

It’s one way to tell if a guy wants to date you or just sleep with you.

3. He doesn’t respond to everyday messages

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When you send him playful and flirty messages, he responds immediately.

But when you send him normal everyday messages, his responses are always very short, or worse, he doesn’t respond at all.

He does this to keep the interaction playful and flirty. When you exchange normal messages with information about what you both did during the day, the communication you have will start to feel more like a real relationship.

So he avoids the asexual and everyday messages.

If you can see this pattern in your chat history with him, then it’s not a good sign.

4. He is very vague when you start talking about having a serious relationship

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When you ask him what his feelings are about you, or where he sees your relationship go – he never gives you a clear answer.

The reason for this is:

  • On the one hand, he will not tell you directly that he only uses you for sex because that would ruin his chances with you and he would have to look for another woman.
  • On the other hand, he still has some decency, so he will not lie to your face.

So he tells you a vague answer that doesn’t tell reveal his true feelings for you. It’s his way of rationalizing it to himself afterwards:

“Yes, but I didn’t lie to her.”

But in the meantime, he continues to give you false hopes of having a real relationship that will never happen.

Here you can read more about a guy who is leading you on with no plan of ever committing.

5. You can never spend the night or he always has to get up early the next day

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If he never wants to spend the night or lets you stay over – then his thoughts about you are very clear. Especially if you only meet up late in the evening.

This behavior could of course happen occasionally, but when it’s always the same story… then it’s obvious that he doesn’t really like spending time with you, and is only seeing you for one thing.

The same applies to men who always have to get up early the next day.

And I don’t mean guys who get up at 8 o’clock, but those guys who suddenly have to get up at 5 or 6 o’clock because they have something important to do. Like “helping a friend move”. Yeah… right.

The only reason why he wants to get up that early is because he wants to leave your place and avoid being seen by anyone that might know him. The only thing he’ll do is get right back to bed once he gets home.

If you recognize this, you can safely assume that he is only seeing you to get laid.

6. Your conversations are always sexual

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Somehow he always manages to give a sexual twist to every conversation, no matter what you’re talking about.

Even if you were to tell him that you just got promoted, he wouldn’t be able to help to say something like:

“That promotion will look nice with that gorgeous body of yours.”

 When every dialog is like that, and it’s never any form of deeper conversation topics, it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t care about you.

Men sometimes want to have a great serious and in-depth conversations with the woman he’s seeing. So if that never happens, he clearly thinks that you are not a qualified person to do this with.

7. He only wants to meet up late in the evening

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If he only wants to meet up after 9 pm, it means that he has other priorities in his life that comes before you.

If a man is genuinely interested in you, he wants to spend time with you.

But when a guy only wants you for sex, and doesn’t like you that much –  then he prefers to only meet up with you late in the evening.


Because bedtime approaches a lot faster and he doesn’t need to hang out with you as much.

Plus he doesn’t have to invest his entire evening just to get laid, he can prioritize all other things and still have sex.

8. He doesn’t give you the feeling that you are special

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Here is a question for you: When was the last time he made you feel special?

Because when a man really likes his woman he will – at least during the first two years – continue to do his best for her.

This brings us to the next question:

Did he only make an effort at the beginning of your relationship or is he still making an effort for you?

This might be painful, but please be honest.


You deserve a man who will make you feel special, and who doesn’t just want a physical relationship.

Because you are special;).

9. He is distant

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There are various reasons why a man pulls away and become distant. It is possible that he is distant because he only wants you for sex.

By pulling away he prevents himself from becoming emotionally attached to you. This also means that he’s likely seeing other women.

I admit this sounds bad and it actually is.

If this is the case, you do best in getting rid of him as soon as possible.

Because no woman deserves to be treated like this.

10. Sometimes you cannot reach him for days and he doesn’t respond to anything

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It’s usually not a good sign when you cannot reach a guy for days until you suddenly receive a message out of nowhere.

When a man is crazy about you he wants to:

  • Keep you warm
  • Have your attention
  • Make you feel safe
  • Talk to you as much as possible

But if you don’t hear anything from him for days until he suddenly asks if he can come over late one evening…

Then he only wants you for sex.

11. He immediately showers after you’ve had sex

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This might sound crazy and I hope that you have never experienced this.

But some men don’t have the guts to just leave after they’ve had sex with a woman, so they take a shower instead to avoid the entire afterplay part (talking & cuddling together).

This is of course all for one reason: He got what he wanted now he’s doing his best to avoid you.

Many people of course like to shower after they’ve had sex to clean themselves up a bit, and that’s fine.

But does he immediately jump into the shower every single time without you having any small talk or cuddle afterwards?

Then he’s doing it because he can’t stand to do anything with you other than sleeping with you.

12. You always have sex when you are together

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You never meet up in the afternoon, have a coffee or lunch together.

No, it’s always in the evening and only when it’s possible to have sex that evening.

If you’re lucky he might go along with watching a movie, or having a glass of wine beforehand. But it always ends up with sex and that’s exactly what his plan is.

13. He says he doesn’t want anything serious

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Some men just literally tell a woman that they don’t want a relationship and only want a casual relationship.


Yes, pretty clear.

But most women think that if they stay with him long enough he will eventually change and want to have a real relationship.

Okay, this might occasionally happen. But the majority of these men are not looking for any kind of serious relationship.

So when he says this to you, you can do two things:

  1. You can settle for an open relationship.
  2. It might be difficult, but if you don’t want an open relationship, do yourself a favor and let him go.

But whatever you do… Don’t stay with him hoping it might work out and develop into something more, because if he really liked you, he would have never put you in this position in the first place.

Unless he’s suffering from trauma or is having a fear of commitment, then you can read here how to conquer the commitment phobic man.

14. He doesn’t contact you when you are having your period

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The majority of men who use a woman for sex, will not contact her when she is having her period.

When he finds out the date of your first period he will suddenly turn into a ninja who knows exactly when your next period is.

During that time you “accidentally” don’t hear anything from him.

Yes, I know how ironic this is. Because when men are in a relationship that can’t even remember their partner’s birthday or wedding day. But when it comes to sex? Then some guys suddenly have a super memory and are excellent planners.

Again, not all men are like that. But there are many men who are very good at this and keep track of this in detail.

So if you notice that he never speaks to you when you are having your period, then he has probably figured when your period is and is doing his best to avoid it. Which is very easy to spot.

15. He gets irritated when you don’t have sex

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When you have been dating for some time it may occasionally happen that you are tired, don’t feel like it, or that you have to get up early the next day.

In other words, you want to just get some rest.

If a guy really likes you, he will accept this. I won’t say that he will like it, but he’ll live with it.

But when a man only sees you to get laid, then this will irritate him. He might even get a bit angry because you “ruined” his evening.

16. He avoids being seen with you in public

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In other words:

  • He doesn’t want to go to birthday parties with you
  • He doesn’t want to hold hands in public
  • He doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends and he doesn’t want to meet your friends

To be honest, he prefers to avoid all the things you would normally do in a relationship. He will refrain from anything that slightly feels like a real relationship.

Here’s the thing…

Most guys want to take it slow with a woman they just started dating, and some men don’t like to hold hands.

But if he doesn’t:

  • Want to go anywhere with you
  • Never suggests that you meet his friends or vice versa,
  • Looks very uncomfortable every time you go out together quickly to the supermarket … then you can safely assume that he doesn’t want to be seen with you.

It could be because he’s ashamed to be seen with you, or what his friends, colleagues or family will think about him if he sees you together.

It’s pretty cold but a typical example of this is a guy who has a one-night stand with a less than ideal woman, and then keeps seeing her afterwards just to get laid sometimes in “secret” from his friends.

I’ll teach you one thing about guys and sex:

  • If a guy sleeps with a hot girl that he’s proud to have been with, then he’s going to tell everyone of his friends about it.
  • But if he sleeps with a girl that he considers very low value for some reason (appearance, weight, occupation, etc) and is ashamed of what he did. Then he’s not going to tell a soul about it and might actually be afraid it will get out so that his friends will make fun of him for doing it and decrease his “status” amongst his peers.

What to do when a guy is using you for sex

A lot of the time it means that the guy doesn’t value you very highly and you’re better off without him. Don’t settle for being with a guy who treats you like this. You deserve a great guy who loves you and would do anything with you.



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Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and bestseller author. He has been helping men and women get relationship succes since 2008. He started coaching in The Netherlands, where he is the owner & coach at the most significant Dutch dating advice website; He’s a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. Speaker at universities, conferences and debates, like the University of Amsterdam, University of Utrecht and University of Nijmegen. He has been featured media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Grazia & Elle. Since 2019 he has started writing in English on this website.
Connect with Tim:

10 thoughts on “Is He Using Me For Sex? 16 Clear Signs He Only Wants To Sleep With You”

  1. Hi your right, I’m a 60-year-old and all I get is guys wanting to have sleep with me on the first date… I was with a guy for 3 years on and off, but he told me that’s all he wanted after seeing him a few times but by then I was hooked. But because I had no one else I went along with it for the company I guess… but felt like trash every time I left his place… he never kissed me, never cared for me, but we talked for hours about everything and listened and talked to music… I knew he was using me. All the signs above were present, but I just couldn’t stop, till one day I decided I’m worth more than this and told him I’m not coming anymore… it’s hard for us especially when you’re a bit older, men think you out there looking for it as well. We just want love and affection, commitment and support…

  2. Thank you for confirming my previous relationship with a man I knew from his working with my husband several years ago. I had an attraction to him and after three years of each of us being legally separated from our partners we had a whirlwind sexual relationship together. I realize from your posts that it was only for the sex he wanted from me. Now I feel used abused and that he just wanted to get back at my ex by screwing his wife

  3. This was the best summ up I have reqd on that topic. It is true on everything. Even if it is painful to admit.

  4. Been talking to my sons former military recruiter. He’s married, but separated. Anyhow he recently moved out of the country (work) and I’ll be visiting very soon.
    See I understand it maybe sexual between us, and that’s okay. But when he makes little comments about having me in his life or how special I am to him. I feel he maybe trying to hard its makes it really hard for me to believe him when I feel he thinks that’s what I wanna hear. If he just wants sex then why make un necessary comments. I feel like telling him he doesn’t have to say that.

  5. Thank you Tim !
    You helped me figure out if he really was using me
    He was sneaky
    he made sure I always slept over, I went to his work
    He told his best friend about me and asked who I told about him and what they thought of him
    But other than that, except the periods, we are 52 and he is 55 all 15 are true I dumped him a few weeks ago for the fifth time
    I really liked him but he’s a true narcissist he lied, cheated, never answered my texts for days when he’s out of town never took me to eat always made false promises I had two embarrassing sexual diseases tests he scared me
    On top of it he’s an er doc and addicted to porn he will sleep with anyone
    Thank God I got out thanks Tim !!

  6. This is my first rodeo with a simp guy and just having some casual fun.

    when I met him we got along really well and laughed, after hanging out a few times things took a turn and we had sex, and have been for the past few months.

    I’m not a clingy person and I like my space and don’t feel the need to contact him or anyone constantly, however last night a few comments were made such as:
    Him: I wanted to treat you to something so you can’t say I never got you anything.
    Me: (joke): so your paying for my sex now?
    (More serious) I never asked you for anything, never expected you to get me anything either, besides it was your idea and more for you anyway and we’re not dating.”

    Him: “well we kinda are really.”
    Me: “no we’re not, fucking me every now and then is not a date it’s friends with benefits if anything. You haven’t taken me anywhere or spend casual time with me without having sex.”
    Him: “well I don’t go anywhere.”
    Me: “exactly, I like cleaning myself and taking pride and appreciating myself every now and then, everyone should do it, it makes you feel so much better.”

    I know for a fact that he may be throwing out little comments that are rude as in “treat em mean keep em keen” type thing, and I think last night may have just put me off for good.
    The night prior he had gotten real stroppy with me and I decided to be a cunt back.
    But what pissed me off more is that I told him my mum’s cat had put on weight finally after just constantly losing weight.

    The reply: “well pets do eventually take after their owner’s.”
    I almost flipped my shit at him and told him to stfu. He had never seen my mum before and she is not fat!
    My mother is the most important thing in the world to me, she’s the only parent I’ve really had.
    After those few comments along with him claiming he had cleaned up his place “for my visit” was just a complete replant for me.
    My room may be a mess currently but that’s just my small room with boxes of stuff I have nowhere to put, nothing is dirty.
    His term of “clean” is not pretty.

  7. Is there a thing that women is using men for sex? Cos some of the signs I also have after I had sex and I clearly knew from the first time we met I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to be seen in public with him.
    But then this other guy I met I like him a lot I would want a relationship some day. But then I only feel comfortable when I ask him to meet either at my place or his place. We always spent the night and we talk and cuddle. He’s nice. But still I feel really good when we meet like this and don’t wanna change.

  8. Ah jeez I fell for it I guess. Made me move in and everything…. I realize he never listens and only obsessed with my body parts. I don’t wanna leave cause I’m comfortable but lately it’s been too sexual and not enough regular attention. He thinks EVERY single touch is an invitation to sex. So now we just we here on our phones til HE gets horny( cause he never wants to wait for my sexual energy to build, just wants to RAM it inside after one kiss..

  9. I just ended things after 4 years off and on. Everything described our interactions perfectly except for the period one. At first we would go places together and then it turned into meeting at hotels halfway between each other and then me going to his house but only after 8pm. I met one of his friends in 4 years. And all he did was brag about the fact he was having sex with me as if I had no other value. I needed to read this. It hurt to let go but I deserve better.

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