11 Simple Tips On How To Get A Commitment Phobe To Commit

11 Simple Tips on How to Get a Commitment Phobe To Commit

How to get a commitment phobe to commit

In this article you will learn:

  • What you always want to check first when a man says he has commitment issues or fear of commitment.
  • How to get a commitment phobe to commit and win him over (the ultimate solution).
  • A trick to get him attached to you by changing your appearance.
  • A little “weirdsolution that makes him want to commit to you.
  • And much more…

How to get a commitment phobe to commit and fall in love with you

How to get a commitment phobe to commit and fall in love with you

You’re with a nice guy and you want to have a relationship with him, but he says he has a fear of commitment.

So what’s the best thing to do? How can you get him wanting a relationship with you?

In this article, I give you 11 tips you can use to win over the man who has a strong apathy towards relationships, so that he wants and dares to start a relationship with you. And you can solve this problem once and for all.

Are you ready? Beautiful.

Here we go…  How to deal with a commitment phobic man…

Tip 1: Recognize the symptoms of men with commitment issues

how to get a commitment phobe to commit

Unfortunately, sometimes we guys also say we have apathy towards relationships because we don’t like you enough.

We don’t want to hurt you…

… and therefore say that we are scared to commit.

But men who talk about their commitment phobia all the time, often don’t have a real fear of it.

They are just stalling you because they don’t want to have a relationship with you.

The man who’s really afraid of a relationship often doesn’t even realize it.

Here is the complete list of symptoms for men with commitment issues

Symptom 1: When you talk about becoming exclusive, he gets really confused.
Symptom 2: He doesn’t want to admit that he has a fear of commitment.
Symptom 3: He can’t explain his behavior.
Symptom 4: He’s had negative experiences in the past.
Symptom 5: He always comments on other people’s relationships.
Symptom 6: He can’t see the positive side of having a serious relationship.
Symptom 7: He refuses to be vulnerable.
Symptom 8: He constantly doubts the relationship.
Symptom 9: He makes you feel like you’re asking for too much attention.
Symptom 10: He has never had a long term relationship before.
Symptom 11: He spends much more time with his friends than with you.
Symptom 12: He brags about you to others, but is mean to you in private.
Symptom 13: He avoids making it “official”.

To read more in-depth about the symptoms, check out this article.

If he does seem to like you, but always sound like he is about to panic when you start talking about a relationship, then you can make the diagnosis “this guy has a legitimate fear of commitment”. 

Tip 2: Discover why he is afraid of a serious relationship

OK, you’re sure:

Your future boyfriend has issues with commitment. But where does his fear of a serious relationship come from?

Find out what caused his fear of a relationship:

  • Maybe he was abandoned by someone in the past.
  • Maybe he was hurt and cheated by an ex.
  • Maybe he’s had a lot of nasty exes and/or bad relationships.

He’s had negative experiences in the past

Anyway, you want to know what’s going on and why he is scared of becoming exclusive with you.

Talk to him. But be careful:

Don’t be pushy about it, don’t hold him responsible, and don’t blame him.

Try to ask for it sincerely and curiously. Keep asking and be patient. If you want to conquer the commitment phobic man, you have to be patient.

Only then can you do something about it.

Tip 3: Get him to commit without pressure

When you talk about becoming exclusive, he gets really confused

If he has relationship issues…

… it’s probably because he’s afraid he’s gonna have to do all kinds of things he doesn’t want to.

And when you do things like:

  • Giving him ultimatums.
  • Constantly arguing with him.
  • Whining.
  • Getting angry.
  • Repeatedly asking questions.

Then you’re only lowering the chances of having a relationship and how to make him commit to you is by NOT pressuring him.

All you accomplish when you do this is that just scare him away from you. I understand that this uncertainty is driving you crazy and that it’s very tempting to give him ultimatums or make demands to find out where you stand between you, but it’s not going to help you.

Try to convince him by showing him how nice you are so that he also wants a relationship with you. If you try to convince him in a negative way, you will only worsen his fear of becoming exclusive with you.

Some men want a friends with benefits(FWB) relationship, but that’s NOT something I’d recommend for any woman.

Tip 4: If you know where his fear of commitment comes from, reassure him

Woman reassuring her manYou have discovered where his fear comes from. Now it is very important that you do not fully oppose it.

He might be sending you some mixed signals, and constantly go back and forth…

Suppose he says, “That’s because of my ex.” And your response is: “Yes, but I’m not your ex.”

Then it won’t work. Of course, you’re right. The tricky part is just that his feelings don’t work that way.

Then make sure he sees that you’re different.

It doesn’t help if you tell him. He’s got trust issues. He’ll want to see it with his own eyes.

For example, if a man is scared of becoming exclusive with you because his ex-wife was very controlling, you can tell him a thousand times that you’re different. Still, that doesn’t help.

Instead, give him space and make sure you’re not being controlling. That’s how he’s gonna see for himself that you’re different.

Do you think he still has feelings for his ex? Read this article.

Tip 5: Get him to commit by pulling away (Put him lower on your priority list)

Woman puts man lower on her priority list. Get him to commit by pulling awayYour (future) boyfriend has commitment issues. That’s fine.

But that’s his problem and not yours. So you don’t have to be understanding with him.

Does he want space?

Let him experience what it’s like to have space. Cancel your “regular Tuesday night” to do something with your girlfriends instead. Don’t respond quickly to his messages.

If you lower him on your priority list, this has two advantages

  • You keep your own life up in order and you protect yourself, by not investing more in a man who doesn’t want a relationship.
  • He’s starting to feel that he’s losing you, so he will start longing for you more and maybe he even changes his mind.

I’ve found over the years that this is by far the best strategy to win over a man with the fear of having a serious relationship:

By making yourself less available to him, he will suddenly want you more. So you get him to commit by pulling away.

When you’re with him, you still make sure you have fun together. It’s just harder for him to get a hold of you.

Put him at the bottom of your priority list. Make him less important in your life. You will see how taking some distance from him will make him want to commit.

Tip 6: Go and do as many different things with him as possible

Go and do as many different things with him as possible

Take him to fun things. Take a day trip on a boat, take him to an event or something else.

This is why you should keep planning new activities with him:

  • When he’s having fun and you’re around, he’s connecting that feeling to you.
  • When two people have a new experience together, it creates a bond.
  • If he’s afraid that your relationship will become boring, you show him that every day is new and different.
  • When people find themselves in new social situations, they automatically focus on the one person they do know. That’s you.
  • It’s just fun to do new activities together.

The crazier the experience, the better.

Men are more attached to someone with whom they’ve done more different things. This unconsciously gives him the feeling that he has known you longer.

For bonus points, you can also take him to do activities that give him an adrenaline kick. When he gets an adrenaline rush with you, he will automatically get more connected to you.

Tip 7: Give him time for himself

Give him time for himselfSometimes the fear of commitment is caused by the fact that men are afraid that they won’t have any time for themselves anymore.

They value their time alone and their own things.

A few months ago, I was dating a woman who never gave me time for myself:

If we agreed to have a cup of coffee in the afternoon, she’d stick around all day. And if I had a date with her on Friday night, I could count on her – if she didn’t have any plans – still being with me on Sunday.

That made me want to see her less and less.

And I’m no exception. When men don’t get enough time for themselves, they start to become distant towards the woman who consumes their time.

Get him to commit without pressure and by giving him what he wants, space.

Tip 8: Change your appearance from time to time

Change your appearance from time to timeYeah, I know.

But it might be a good idea to change your appearance from time to time.

This might sound a little crazy. But this is what it’s all about:

Men are evolutionarily programmed to find as much variation in partners as possible.

The DNA of men with many different partners has a greater chance of survival. This gives them an almost built-in attraction to variation.

As a woman, you can make smart use of this attraction by looking slightly different every time.

Do you wear glasses? Put them on one time, and wear contact lenses the other time.

Change hairstyles, fashion styles, and lingerie sets.

If he gets the feeling he has enough variation in a relationship with you, he’ll be much less afraid to commit himself to you.

Tip 9: Determine what the relationship means for both of you

Determine what a relationship means for both of youI frequently hear stories from women who think they have a man with a commitment phobia.

But in reality, he doesn’t have it at all.

He wants to “get more serious”, but he thinks you mean something very different.

There are different stages in a relationship and he may think you’re talking about something else entirely. You might want to take a vacation together, but he thinks this means you should move in together when you get back.

In many cases, it’s possible that the two of you have a completely different view of what a relationship means. A relationship can mean anything like:

  • Would you like to introduce him as your friend?
  • Do you expect him to ask you to marry him?
  • Do you want kids together?
  • Do you want to live together?
  • Do you want him to change his Facebook status?
  • Do you want him to meet your family and friends?

Talk to him about what you want and be clear. Remember that we men can be extremely stupid and awkward in situations like this. So don’t expect us to realize this ourselves.

It wouldn’t be the first time a 10-minute conversation would make a man’s fear of commitment disappear.

Tip 10: Date other men

Date other menIt might even help you to start dating others. After all, he doesn’t want a relationship.

Then he also has no right to be jealous.

Now I really don’t mean to say that you have to go to bed with everybody or anything like that.

And I also understand it very well if you don’t need that.

But before you dismiss this as a ridiculous idea… There’s a reason why I brought it up.

It has a number of advantages if you don’t make him “the only man” in your life.

For example when there are more men who like you and who might want to have a relationship with you.

Because if other men DO want a relationship with you, you can be sure of one thing:

It’s not you.

I keep saying this. If a man has a fear of bonding, then HE has a problem. Not you.

Dating others can help you see this.

When he feels that there are more guys competing for you, he gets a much greater urge to commit himself to you.

And if he wants to, he’ll get closer with you in that process, too.

So that’s a win-win. By first walking or pulling away, you actually increase your chances of him committing later.

So get him to commit by walking away.

Tip 11: Make sure he likes you enough

Make sure he likes you enoughOne more thing:

You probably already know what I’m about to say. But just to be sure, I’d like to mention it:

Anything you can do to make yourself more fun and attractive to him will only work to your advantage.

So while you’re using these tips, you keep making sure you’re just enjoying your time together.

The crazier he gets about you, the better.

If you don’t do your best for him as you did when you first met him, start doing that again.

Keep paying attention to your appearance. Consider every time you see him as a first date. Keep seducing him every day.

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Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga

Tim Veninga is the head coach of Change Him. In The Netherlands more than 155.000 women follow his advice. He has been featured in numerous Dutch media and magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.
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