How to know when you should text a guy and when it’s better to wait
So you’re probably in one of the following situations where you don’t know if you should text him or not:
- There is a guy you like but he hasn’t given you his contact details. Nevertheless, you’ve got a hold of his social media profile or phone number.
- You went on a first date with a guy, but since then you haven’t heard from him.
- You just started dating a guy who suddenly started to ignore you.
- You are having a relationship with a guy, but he says that he needs space and time to himself.
These are all difficult situations.
No wonder you think:
“Should I text him first, or should I just give him time and wait?”
The answer to this question differs for each specific situation. And in this article, I’ll do my best to help you get the right answer for your situation.
I have a checklist in this article with 13 tips that you can start using to move forward with him, whatever the situation might be.
To make it easier I have divided this checklist into four parts:
- Part 1 – Before you’ve been on a date with him.
- Part 2 – When you just started dating him.
- Part 3 – When you are in a relationship and he says he needs space.
- Part 4 – When you NEVER want to contact him.
Go to the part that applies to your situation. But don’t forget to also check out part 4 as this is applicable to texting in all situations.
Here are the 13 tips to help you decide whether you should text him or not:
Part 1 – Before you have been on a date with him
1. Only contact him if he has given you his number or social media details
Suppose you saw a nice guy and you got his number through a friend, or maybe you found him on social media.
Then you will probably think:
- Befriend him on Facebook?
- Follow him on Instagram?
- Or just text him?
In other words, you are wondering whether you should contact him (and how).
In all these cases it is better NOT to contact him
It is better to only contact a guy through these channels when he has given his social media details or phone number to you.
If that’s not the case, then don’t text him anything.
Make sure you first get to know each other better in real life first.
Otherwise, you will scare away most great guys with this approach and that would be a shame, as you might miss out on the man of your dreams.
But for argument’s sake, let’s say that he did give you his phone number and you started texting each other…
2. Only text him back when it’s more than 48 hours since his first response
To be honest I don’t like these rules that you should wait at least an x number of days to text a guy.
But there is an exception, namely when you have met a guy who you just started texting with.
After all, you don’t want to give the impression that you are desperate.
Time and freedom are very important things to a man, so if you respond to his texts each time within five minutes…
Then he will immediately think:
“Wow, I haven’t even had a date with her and she is already responding to all my messages within five minutes, so if we were to be in a relationship, I wouldn’t have any time to myself anymore.”
That is something men worry about when they are in the dating phase, and in this case you already confirm his worries – before you have been on a date with him.
In other words, not in for a great start.
So if you haven’t been on a date with him, wait at least two days before you respond to his first text.
Then make sure that you don’t respond to his every text within 5 seconds. In fact, check out this article on how to text a guy to make sure that you don’t come across as needy or desperate in your communication with him.
3. Only message him if you have a reason to do so
I often receive the following questions via email:
- What should I text a man I just started seeing?
- I just started texting with a great guy, when is it best to text him?
Although this varies a lot depending on the situation, there is one simple principle, namely:
Before you have been on a date with him: Only send him something if you have a reason to do so.
Don’t suddenly send him an empty message like “Hi”, as this will only make him think:
“What does she want from me?”
This is NOT the first impression you want to give him if you want to go on a date with him.
So ONLY send him a message if you have a reason to do so, for example:
- Does he have a joke on his profile? Tell him he’s funny.
- Is it his birthday? Send him a message to congratulate him.
- Has he posted a new picture on social media? Give him a small compliment.
You must make sure that you have a reason to text him, and there are plenty if you are a bit creative ;).
4. Don’t stalk him
The reason I mention this is because a guy quickly thinks that a woman is stalking him.
As I mentioned before, a man wants time to himself.
When he has the slightest impression that a woman is clingy and will not give him time for himself, his ‘stalker alarm’ will go off.
So if you contact him when he has not given you his number, his male brain will react like this:
“Alarm. Alarm. Alarm. Stalker detected.”
This will make him want him to stay away from you as much as possible. So make sure you use the three tips mentioned above to avoid this.
It’s different if you send him a DM to his Instagram because that profile is often public, not private.
If things go forward and you’ll go on a date with him
Make sure your first date becomes perfect by checking out some of my other related articles:
- 27 MUST-KNOW first date tips to get the guy hooked.
- 101 questions to get to know each other better.
- 27 undeniable signs that he likes you and isn’t just being nice.
- The ultimate list with 21 things to talk about with a guy on a date.
- My best 23 first date ideas and fun things to do with him on your first date.
Bonus tip: I get the following question a lot so I’ll write a quick bonus tip about this here.
“Should I text him first after the first date?”
The answer is, in most cases no. You should not text him first after the first date.
You should give him the opportunity to hunt you, and win you over again because it’s an important key factor in how to make a man fall in love with you.
Most guys instinctively know this and will text you first after the date. Given that you had a good time, he liked you and would consider seeing you again.
So just be patient.
If you text him first then you rob him of the opportunity to “see if he can get you again”, and as a result, he’s going to be less invested in you.
Give him five days to text you first after the first date. If you still haven’t heard from him after that then you can take matters into your own hands.
But make sure you don’t send him anything that comes of as needy, butthurt, or desperate. In other words, a positive statement and NOT a question would work the best for you.
Here’s what you should NOT text him:
- “Hi, how are you? I haven’t heard from you”
- “Hey, are you okay?”
Instead, send him a playful positive statement that doesn’t require any response such as:
- “It can sometimes take a few days to recover from dealing with my charm for the first time, don’t beat yourself up over it :)”
- “I had a lot of fun on our date, but trying to guess who would text first of us turned my friends into crazy sports bettors :)”
- “You lost, I texted first 😉 But it was fun playing with you even though it was a bit too easy.”
If he doesn’t respond to your text, then I recommend that you check out this article with 5 reasons why he isn’t texting you back, and what to do about it.
Part 2 – When you just started dating him
5. Text him when it suits YOU
A man needs space. Both during the dating phase, but also in a relationship.
When a man doesn’t get this, he will tell you that he wants to take things slow.
You can simply avoid this by continuing to do the things you did before you started seeing him.
Don’t instantly change your life and stop doing your hobbies, hanging out with your friends, and other things you like just to be with him.
I know it’s not always easy to take things slow when you really like a guy, but it is absolutely necessary for a good relationship.
Make sure you stick to your own schedule, and that you only call/text/message him when it suits you.
- Are you at work? Leave your mobile in your bag
- Are you out with friends? Focus on them (and not on your phone)
In other words, only contact him when it works for you. This will ensure that he will like you more and that you keep your boss and friends happy.
6. Don’t text him just to chat with him
Again, when you like each other it’s alluring to constantly exchange messages.
He will like this (at the beginning), but a man may suddenly think:
“Things are going too fast for me, I better end it before it gets worse.”
So even when he likes that you contact him just to chat, at any given moment he will wonder whether this is what he wants.
Then two things can happen:
- He will end things immediately.
- He says he wants to take it slow.
Both are not good.
So during the dating phase, avoid texting him just to chat.
And now you might think?
“But Tim, what should I text him then?”
Simple: respond to him if he has sent you a message, or if you want to ask him out on a date.
During the dating phase, you should communicate as men do: By a way of exchanging information.
If you have been out on a date with him (it doesn’t matter whether it’s the first/second/x date) – you can text him to tell him you had a great time.
But apart from that, you want to avoid sending him messages just to text.
Because if you text him all the time you’re giving off the vibe that you have a lot of free time (not being busy), and don’t have cool things going for you in your life – and those are all very unattractive qualities that you don’t want him to think you have.
7. If you don’t know what to send him, don’t send him anything
Do you know your grandmother’s advice – when you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t say anything?
The same is true for texting when you are dating. If you don’t know what to send him, don’t send him anything.
Men want clarity – especially when you just started seeing each other.
So remember, when you think: “what should I text him?” – Then don’t send him anything.
8. Why there is no reason to panic when you haven’t heard from him for two or three days
Suppose a guy texts you every day, and then suddenly you don’t hear anything from him for two days. Normally, this doesn’t mean anything.
So just relax because there is no reason at all to become insecure or to panic.
He is probably just busy.
Or something important has happened in his life and he’s just focused on other things.
The absolute worst thing you can do is to send him another message, asking him why he’s not responding. Then you’re pretty much done and can forget about seeing him.
There could be plenty of reasons why he hasn’t responded to you for a few days
And if you then send him a message like:
“Hey, why are you not responding?”
He will think:
“Great. If she is already this needy while we are just dating and immediately panics when I don’t contact her for a few days, what would it be like when we are in a relationship?”
Because a man assumes that a woman hides her bad habits and needy characteristics as much as possible during the dating phase (this is what he has learned from his previous relationships).
So just let relax, focus on other things in your life, and wait patiently.
9. Do you really want to contact him?
I recently talked about this with a friend of mine, she told me that the guy she was dating for a while suddenly stopped responding to her.
Then I asked her?
Do you genuinely like him?
Well… not really…
So I will give you the same advice I gave her.
Because suppose you don’t really like him that much, then why are you asking yourself whether you should text him or not?
It is kind of crazy when you think about it…
Because some women completely panic when they haven’t heard from a guy for a few days, even when they don’t really like him.
As a result, they want this guy even more and will just try harder to get him.
Purely because he hasn’t been in touch for a while.
Do you get it?
So when he has been silent for some time, you must first ask yourself whether you really like him or not.
If that is not the case, you don’t have to worry about whether you should text him or not. The best thing you can do in this case is to move on with your life.
It’s like a sign that you can now focus your time on someone you actually like.
Part 3 – When you are in a relationship and he says he needs space
10. If he’s said he needs space, please respect this
Maybe he has said to you that he needs some space or that he is not sure where he wants to take the relationship?
In this kind of situation (where he has specifically indicated that he needs some time) – the worst thing you can do is to send him a message.
A guy needs three or four days to think things through, so if you send him a message after two days, you’re back at square one.
He will feel pressurized by this…
Each time you send him a message asking him whether he has made up his mind, you pressurize him.
And as a result, he will only want more time to himself.
I know it’s difficult, especially if you are afraid of losing him.
I do understand that you want to reach out to him and hear back something positive from him.
But the chance that he will get back to you with a positive response is much smaller than if you just give him some time to think.
In case you haven’t heard from him for two or three weeks, it’s okay to send him a short message with something like:
“Hey, I know you need some time. I’m sorry for sending you this message, but it’s been a few weeks and I just want to know whether you want me to wait for you or if it’s better that I go on with my life? I would really like to know.”
So instead of sending him a message, take a look at this article of why men pull away. So you can get a better understanding of what he’s going through.
11. Only contact him if you have a GOOD reason
When your man has clearly indicated that he needs space, the only time you should ever contact him is when you have a very good reason and it’s something really important.
Otherwise, it is better that you don’t.
Here are some important scenarios that can help guide you:
“Hey, I hope you’re great. I’m sorry for bothering you when you said you needed space… I just wanted to let you know that I’m going away to visit my parents and will be gone for 2 weeks. I’m still available if you want to talk. Love X”
“Hey I hope you’re good. I didn’t want to bother you but the kids’ school schedule changes next week and I just wanted to let you know when you can pick them up.”
You get the idea.
12. When a relationship problem has been resolved
Okay so you are in a relationship and he has told you that he needs some time to himself.
Then you must respect this and give him time and space, but there is one exception, and sort of falls into the same category as having a good reason.
Say he was angry about something and began questioning your entire relationship over that issue, but now that problem has now been resolved.
It could be anything from:
- He was mad because you were still texting daily with your ex
- He feels trapped in the relationship and never has time to see his friends
- You spend too much time as a couple watching Netflix instead of doing fun and new activities together
Then you should let him know that this is no longer an issue. Tell him that:
- You cut off all ties with your ex, blocked him, and won’t speak to him again
- You’ve figured out a solution that’ll free up alone time for him or with his friends
- You canceled your Netflix subscription and have made a list of fun activities and places you’d like to do with him
Part 4 – This is when you NEVER want to contact him
13. Never contact him when you are drunk or emotional
It will not surprise you that you should NEVER call or text him when you are drunk or emotional, regardless of your situation.
So it doesn’t matter if you have just met him or if you have been in a relationship for years and he says he needs time.
It is never a good idea to contact him when you’re in a bad mood and can’t think clearly.
This is by far the most important rule.
So STOP yourself when you are drunk or emotional. Put your phone away and first give it some thought before you do anything you’ll regret.
Now you know when you should text him, and when it’s better to wait
I’d often recommend to NOT text him, as most of the time, he’ll text when he’s ready. Just be patient.