In this article you will learn:
- How to become happy again in your unhappy relationship or marriage.
- 6 simple steps to stop being unhappy with your husband or boyfriend.
- How to save your failing relationship before it’s too late.
- How to find your way back to each other when you´re not happy in your marriage or relationship.
- 3 ways to find out if he’s worth fighting for.
Women constantly tell me that they’re dating a man but they are unhappy for one reason or another.
“I’m not happy in my relationship/marriage anymore”
The feeling of unhappiness in their relationship or marriage usually starts out small… But gradually it grows much more substantial.
You may be wondering why you’re depressed in your relationship. Maybe you think you should be pleased with what you have. But for some reason, that is not the case.
- “Do I still like him?”
- “Why am I unsatisfied in our relationship?”
- “Am I not better off without him?”
- “Why doesn’t it feel like it did at the beginning of our relationship?”
- “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore…”
It’s undoubtedly extremely hard to be in an unhappy marriage or relationship
It can be very confusing, especially if you don’t exactly know why you’re miserable.
That’s why in this article, I’ll give you 9 tips that will help you become happy again.
The article is divided into two parts:
- Part 1 – 6 tips on how to become happy again in your unhappy relationship or marriage.
- Part 2 – 3 tips on how to find out if he’s worth fighting for.
How to fix your unhappy relationship and become happy again
Let’s get into it:
Step #1: Define the true cause of your unhappiness
The idea that the perfect partner is going to make you happy, (even if you’re not happy with yourself), is something that only happens in the movies.
Many women think that finding the right man is what should bring them happiness.
And that’s perhaps one of the biggest dating misconceptions out there today.
If you would say to me, “I’m not happy in my relationship with my boyfriend or husband anymore” then it doesn’t always have to be the relationship that is at fault.
Begin with asking yourself these questions:
- When did you start to feel unhappy? Do you always feel this way or does it come and go?
- Is the relationship going in the direction that you want? (Children, a house, marriage?)
- Or do you dream about being single and traveling the world? Or to fulfill something you have been wanting to do?
- How are things going at work? Do you love what you do and find it meaningful, or do you hate it?
- What about your social life? Do you have friends you can have fun with?
Sometimes what happens is that things might be terrible at work and you hate your job. then it’s very easy to bring those emotions back into your relationship.
It’s very important that you’re being honest with yourself and try to identify the true cause of your unhappiness.
Step #2: Accept that your husband or boyfriend isn’t perfect
It’s no secret that you get to know each other deeply in a relationship. And then you’ll gradually discover that your partner is not perfect.
In overly-romanticized Hollywood movies, it sometimes seems as if perfect men exist. But believe me, that’s not true.
Furthermore, the idea of a perfect man is a bit absurd.
Sometimes I see women who have a great man which they are doing fantastic with, but who still complain about his small imperfections.
Maybe he’s sweet to you, and he adores you. You also find him attractive, but he has the annoying habit of smoking or playing too much video games.
In such a case, there are two things you can do…
1. You can obsess and whine about it. But that will only make it worse.
You sometimes see women who have a 95% perfect relationship. Yet, they focus all their attention and energy on the 5% which isn’t absolutely perfect.
No man will ever be good enough for them. And they will never be happy in a relationship because they only focus on the negatives.
2. The other option is to focus on the right things and accept that your partner is a person with flesh-and-blood and imperfections.
That’s all right.
It’s better to accept that every man has flaws and that he won’t always agree with you. But that this doesn’t have to stand in the way of having a great life with him.
Step #3: Talk to him about it
“Can’t he see I’m so unhappy?”
Men speak a different language than you.
We men aren’t clairvoyant. We’re also poor at picking up signs. Because of that, we miss one subtle hint after another.
Not purposefully. We just don’t have a trained eye (or ear) for it.
And assuming he already knows what’s going on inside your head, and how you feel, is like asking for problems.
It would be a shame if this thing threatened the relationship you have with him.
So if you’re unhappy with your husband or boyfriend, just talk to him about it.
That way at least you give him the chance to do something about it, and potentially fix it.
How to talk about your needs and tell your partner you are unhappy
It’s important to talk about your needs. And yes, this can be quite difficult sometimes.
But what would you rather have…
- Continue being unhappy with your husband or boyfriend?
- Or have a difficult but important conversation that can potentially save your relationship?
Think how great would you feel when you get that thing off your chest, and you improved your relationship for the better.
Here is an easy step-by-step process you can use to effectively talk about your needs and get through to your man:
1. Write down the cause of your unhappiness and what specifics you’d like to be different. Prioritize what’s most important to you and differentiate between wants and needs. Needs are the things that must be met because they are essential to your happiness, well-being, and safety. Wants, on the other hand, are things you would like to happen as it would increase your pleasure in life.
2. Decide when you want to tell him and a time when he’s likely to be relaxed. NOT right after work or if he’s likely to be tired. Friday evenings are usually good as he’s already happy that it’s Friday. Avoid Mondays. If you have kids, see if someone can keep the children for a few hours so you can talk privately. And perhaps this comes without saying but I’ll clarify it anyway. Have the talk it in person, NOT over call or text.
3. Tell him subtly you’ve got something on your mind that you want to get off your chest. A simple text earlier in the day works great such as: “Hey baby I need to speak to you about something. Can we talk when you get home from work?”
This way he doesn’t feel ambushed or negatively surprised when you bring it up later.
4. Put him in a positive state of mind. You can easily do that by making him a sandwich, pouring him a drink of his favorite scotch, or order in some of his favorite food. Take it easy with the alcohol though, you want to have a sober dialog.
5. Be specific: One secret to getting through to a man is to be specific in your speech and be clear about what exactly you’re not happy with. So don’t beat around the bush with what you want to say. Here are some examples of what you can say:
- I feel like you’re becoming more and more distant towards me and I miss the affection, especially at night.
- I wish you could help me pick up the kids, or clean up the house more often so that I could spend a little more time reading.
- I feel like we’re spending too much time together and I’m neglecting my friends and other parts of my life that are important to me.
NOTE: Don’t blame him for it. That will only make him defensive and wanting to protect his ego. But don’t be afraid of insulting him or that he’ll break up with you. You’re having this conversation out of love and because you care about the relationship.
6. Listen calmly, compassionately, and without judgment. He’s got his own perspective on things.
But if the relationship is really bad, and you’re sad in your relationship
… then I understand that this is probably the last thing you’d want to do.
“Why do I have to take it upon myself to do all of this for him, when he doesn’t seem to care?”
Simple. Men are morons with an emotional understanding of a brick.
You are much better qualified for solving this problem and making sure your relationship recovers.
Besides, if you take responsibility for this, and he recognizes how much the relationship means to you – then he’s likely going to be affected by that, feel the same way, put in the effort, and want to return the favor. That way you’re increasing the chance of making it through this together.
Step #4: Do the date activities and fun things you used to do
What you often see when two people are dating is that at some point, both of them will start making less of an effort for one another.
Although this process seems to happen as a natural consequence over time. It is something I would like to warn you about.
It could be the reason why you feel miserable.
Think about it:
Do you still do date night activities and fun things, like when you started dating?
If not, go have a ‘first date‘ again.
It doesn’t even have to be something spectacular:
This study from 2013 on happy marriages shows that it’s precisely the smallest gestures in the relationship that makes your partner feel loved and appreciated.
Do the activities you used to do. And make him fall in love with you again, then he’ll once again do his best for you.
Here are some romantic and fun activities you can do together:
- Go away for a weekend and visit a foreign city.
- Go to the beach or visit an indoor bathhouse.
- Have a picnic in the park.
- Visit the zoo.
- Play minigolf.
If you want more ideas for couple activities, then check out this article with 77 fun things to do with him.
Step #5: Get a fun and fulfilling life outside of your relationship
If you’re in love with a man, then you want to spend as much time together with him as possible.
It’s not surprising that when a lot of couples suddenly do everything together, friendships suddenly get put on the back burner.
This works okay until you realize your man can’t fulfill all of your needs.
Then all of a sudden, you get the feeling that something is missing in your life…
You miss the great conversations with your family and girlfriends
The chance that he’ll also miss hanging out with his friends and family is not entirely inconceivable.
In this study involving 2000 British men, it reveals that 85% of them say they want time for themselves.
If you guys are always living on top of each other, and always just spend time with each other, it’s no wonder it’s worsening between you and your partner.
How to be happier outside of the relationship
Let me first share a quote with you from Osho.
“ The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”
Powerful message. In short, your internal happiness should never be dependent on another person.
How to not depend on your boyfriend for happiness
Get your own life with your own activities, and your own friends.
- Spend time with your girlfriends again.
- Take up your hobbies that you love doing. If you don’t have any then try something new that you’ve been thinking of starting.
- Set a new goal for yourself, and plan milestones for achieving it.
No matter what happens in your relationship, you always have these things to give your life meaning and make you happy.
Step #6: Give your sex life a kick in the butt
Here’s the thing…
Many failing relationships are simply caused by the lack of good a good sex life
The moment that sex becomes boring and predictable, that’s the moment when complications will arise in your relationship.
Good sex is a necessity for a great relationship. Numerous studies show that couples who have sex at least 2-3 times a week are the happiest couples.
Did you know that most men love it when you as a woman initiates the sex?
Here is my personal failproof recommendation that is going to make your man go absolutely crazy for you.
- Go and buy yourself a new set of lingerie that makes you feel sexy.
- Get undressed and suddenly stand half-naked in the doorway.
- Walk up and whisper in his ear: I want you to take me so hard tonight, boss.
You could also plan on doing this after you’ve had the talk with your man.
If you want more inspiration of how to spice up your sex life, then here are 17 surprising things guys want in bed but won’t tell you.
How to find out if he’s worth fighting for
I know how painful this might be to hear. But sometimes ending your relationship is the best way for you to start feeling happy again.
People often talk about how to find the right partner, but much less about who you should NOT date.
Yet these decisions are equally important.
If you stay with a man for too long who’s not good for you, this can have major negative consequences for your love life.
That’s why I also have three tips that will help you find out if it’s better to end the relationship.
Step #7: Spend more time with other men
This may sound a bit strange because you’re currently dating a man.
I don’t mean that you should date other men, or sleep with the first guy you see.
No, the reason I’m telling you this, is so you can once again find out how you want to be treated.
It’s very likely that you have ‘forgotten’ this.
This often happens when you’re in a relationship for a longer period of time and have little contact with other men. It could just be that you’re unhappy because of the way he treats you.
And the only way to find out, is to spend more time with other men.
Step #8: Ask yourself: Is he constantly trying to change you for the worse?
We talked about this earlier.
It’s important to accept each other for who you are.
Are you not doing this?
That will cause a lot of frustration and problems in the long run.
In other words, a recipe for an unhealthy and bad relationship.
Hence this tip.
If your partner is always trying to change you for the worse (and therefore doesn’t accept you for who you are), then you’re better off without him. Because you’re good enough just the way you are and it’s his problem if he doesn’t see that.
This of course, does not apply if he’s trying to change you for the better. Such as eating healthier, achieving your goals, and improving your life positively.
Step #9: Sit back and see if your partner treats you properly
Now you might think this is obvious. Because if your partner doesn’t treat you well and is using you, why should you stay with him?
Almost every woman says they’d leave a partner like that.
But unfortunately, it’s often very different in reality.
For example: every day many Americans are hurt by their domestic partners. 1/3 women and 1/4 men have been physically assaulted by their significant other.
And yet, a lot of women weren’t able to leave their partner because of the simple reason that they love him too much.
Make decisions based on your happiness
Don’t decide if you want to stay with your partner based on how much you love him. But decide if you want to stay with him based on how well he treats you and how happy he makes you.
If your man simply doesn’t treat you well, then it’s time to leave him. Even though you love him very much.
Nobody deserves to be mistreated, so neither do you.
You deserve the absolute best in life.
If you think you can still fix it, and save the relationship with your boyfriend or husband – go for it wholeheartedly, don’t do it half-assedly.