Here’s what you’ll learn in this article:
- The fastest way to dump and get over a player.
- Why dumping a guy who led you on is easier than you think, even if you’re in love with him.
- Why you should not give him a taste of his own medicine (there is a better way to do it).
- How ‘negative motivation’ can help you to stop loving someone who is bad for you.
- My best method and a step-by-step plan for processing the heartbreak effortlessly.
How to get over a guy who played you
Do you know what’s one of the hardest things in the world?
To get the wrong guy or player out of your mind once you’ve started to like him.
It’s already hard enough to do that with a ‘normal’ guy.
It’s not your fault.
These men are experts at getting inside a woman’s head in such a way that it becomes challenging to leave them.
In fact, here you can read further about the science as to why women continue to fall for players and jerks.
Rationally speaking, you know that this (casual) relationship with him is going nowhere and it’s time to end it
Most women who contact me are aware that the guy they are seeing is not relationship material.
And they know it would be better if they ended the relationship and cut him out of their lives.
But when you’re in love with someone, your emotions take over. It becomes increasingly difficult to think clearly and make the right decisions.
Therefore in this article, I’m going to help you with exactly that:
You’re going to learn how to make the right decisions that will make you happy in the longterm (no matter how much your emotions try to sabotage you).
‘Psychoeducation‘ is a fancy word for explaining exactly what these men do to make you addicted to them.
(Yes, you read it right. He’s got you hooked)
Once you understand how he got you addicted to him, I’ll give you the best tricks to:
- Quickly remove him from your life once and for all.
- Prevent him from finding his way back into your life.
- Get over him as effortlessly as possible.
Are you ready?
Here are the 7 steps to quickly get over a player:
Step #1: Understand that you’re addicted
Scientists are incredibly interested in love and heartbreak.
Some researches do nothing but research what happens in the brain when a person in love loses that person.
This is what’s going on in the brain when you love someone
Suppose you’re in a relationship with a man you love. You’re on cloud nine and think you can’t live without him anymore.
If scientists were to scan your brain while holding up a picture of your partner at the same time, something interesting would happen.
Your brain activity would show similarities to someone who is addicted to cocaine, with a lot of happiness hormones and neurotransmitters running through your body.
But that’s not all:
If that person would disappear from your life, that addiction would turn against you…
And if scientists were to scan your brain again, they would literally see that you’re showing withdrawal symptoms.
You could have told me that without using neuroimaging.
If you’ve ever been heartbroken, you know that you’ll first have to finish three bowls of ice cream before you can admit how bad you’re doing.
And that’s the beginning of a long process of dealing with heartbreak.
But a player makes the addiction so much worse
These men give you the false idea that they want nothing more than to be with you.
Once you’re in love, it’s very easy to convince yourself he’s the one, and that you’ll never find anyone like him again.
A player uses certain tricks to make you more addicted to him, which makes the recovery process a lot more difficult.
This is one of the reasons why these types of men are more attractive than other men, and why many women go to great lengths to make them fall in love – or to get back at them.
What do I think about that?
The more attention you give him, the worse your addiction becomes…
Whether this is because you’re trying to make him fall in love with you, or whether you’re trying to get back at him for something that he did… If a man is not good for you, he’s not good for you.
You can still try to hit on him, ‘play’ him, or try to change him… but that’s like swimming against the current.
And what most women in this situation don’t realize, is that they would NEVER like this guy if he was NOT a player.
Players are exciting. They’re experienced. And they don’t get easily overpowered.
They’re not weak, and they know how to deal with a woman.
So getting back at them or trying to make them fall in love is therefore by definition, very hard. They’re used to it a lot, and they’re not easy to manipulate.
Realize that you’re addicted to him
If you know you’re in a toxic relationship, and that this man has a negative effect on you…
Then I can only encourage you to stop spending so much mental energy on him.
- It doesn’t help you when you try to make him fall in love (again).
- It doesn’t help you when you try to figure out ways to get back at him.
Chances are you’ll unintentionally harm yourself more by constantly thinking of how to get back at him. And therefore make the addiction worse, instead of hurting him.
And my job as a dating coach is to help you. Not him.
That’s why I advise you to realize that you’re addicted to him first, because you have to realize this problem you have, is a serious one.
Step #2: Make sure you have a support group
There are a few different definitions of what it’s called when people are addicted to other people.
This is such a common phenomenon that it’s not even mentioned in the manuals for psychiatrists and psychologists.
Because every counselor knows that almost everyone is vulnerable to falling in love.
But only a small percentage of people become so addicted that it destroys their lives.
And there is something to be learned from looking at how professionals treat these people.
Create a group that helps you with your recovery
If someone suffers from love addiction, there are programs and groups nowadays that can help that person.
In such a situation, several people with the same problem come together under the guidance of a therapist or a coach. This support group and coach help them tackle and deal with their harmful habit together with other people.
Addicts need to learn that they’re not alone
In such a group, the most important thing for people to learn is that they’re not alone. And to understand that they’re not the only ones having that problem and that they can be understood.
But also that they’re surrounded by a group of people who’ll hold them accountable for their actions. And who’ll step in if they relapse, or when they fall back into their old destructive ways.
I don’t recommend joining such a group if you’re just addicted to one man.
Tell your best friend, your mother, or another person who’s close to you about your situation
- Who are the people you can call when you’re having a tough time?
- Who can you talk to about everything without being judged?
Time to pick up your phone today. Explain your situation and that you want to end it with him immediately. So that you can start feeling better again.
Ask them directly to help you get over him.
Make sure you talk to each other on a regular basis about how you’re doing. And whether you’re indeed following the strategies I’m teaching you below to get rid of him once and for all.
This way you have someone you’re constantly accountable to
But also someone who can come and visit you, and share this tough time with you. So that you are not alone.
Because you’re likely going to deal with severe heartbreak.
And in such a case, you need someone who’s there to help you and who can listen to you.
To do list:
- Call or meet up with a good friend or family member
- Ask her (or him) to help you with getting over this man
- Keep in touch on a very regular basis about how you’re doing
Let’s continue to the next step:
Step #3: Break all contact with him
OK: you’re loving someone who is bad for you and dealing with a guy you can’t get out of your head.
It’s like a band-aid that’s stuck on your skin.
And out of that band-aid come all kinds of love particles that make you feel terrible.
What do you think works best?
- Pulling the band-aid off little by little?
- Pulling the band-aid off in one go and throw it in the trash?
Of course, you feel a little more pain at the beginning with the second option. But this fades relatively quickly compared to the first option.
If you rip off the band-aid bit by bit, it still has a grip on you for a long time until you’ve pulled it off the whole way.
And it just makes it worse.
You’re not able to think clearly
I know women who’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with an a**hole for three years, and the guy literally had all the bad characteristics you can think of.
But when you are in love and/or addicted, you can no longer think clearly.
- You might ‘break up’ one moment.
- But then you go back to him the next moment.
The thing that connects these two behaviors, is communication.
So now we’ve found the way to end this vicious cycle:
How to let go of someone who’s bad for you for good
- Don’t give him any attention – ever again.
- Delete his contact details from your phone
- Block him on all social media platforms.
- Picture yourself never contacting him again.
How you let him go and move on is simply refuse to communicate with him. So you can start to get over of him in the most painless way possible.
You have to stop all contact with him to break the vicious ‘on-again, off-again’ cycle.
I believe that every woman deserves to find a good man. But if you know that he is not a good guy and that he is in fact the opposite of that, and is just making you unhappy…
Then you have to stop all contact with him.
Your prince on the white horse is yet to come
Look at it this way:
Every time you get back together (against your better judgment), you miss out on the chance of meeting your REAL dream man who’s going to make you happy. The guy who’s a much better person than the player who’s got you in his grip.
Only when you get him out of your life will there be room for your dream man.
So break the pattern of breaking up and getting back together with him. Let him go and move on with your life. Today.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. You don’t even have to let him know.
Just stop all forms of contact with him. Don’t respond when he’s reaching out. Block him.
Step #4: Remove everything that reminds you of him
When I coach men, I always explain to them that they’re not stronger than their environment.
Shy guys who are looking for a girlfriend often live a life where it’s unlikely for them to meet a good woman.
This is because they spend most of their time in front of their computers, or by playing video games with the few friends they have.
And on the weekends? Then they go to bed early or stay up all night playing World of Warcraft.
Why I teach them to change their environment
I teach these men it will be very difficult to improve their lives if they stay in their current environment.
Because if they live an unhappy single life, they’ll need to meet more women. And that doesn’t work if they’re always playing their favorite computer game and only hang out with other guy friends who also don’t have any girlfriends.
So I teach these guys to go out. And make new friends with men who know how to talk to women. And to develop themselves in other areas so they can talk to girls.
The situation between those men and your situation is not exactly identical, but they have a few similarities.
You’re also in a toxic environment
Because apparently there are some things in your environment that constantly make you go back to that unsuitable guy.
Maybe it’s your friends who are encouraging you, or maybe you just run into him a lot.
Whatever it might be:
As of today, decide that you’re no longer going to let your surroundings control you.
From now on, you decide what you do and don’t do, and that you’re done hanging out with that guy.
Find the courage to:
- Stop going back to places where you two have had good times together. So you avoid nostalgic feelings that increase your addiction.
- Throw his stuff out of your house. If you’re nice, check if he still wants them. But otherwise, just throw them away so that you won’t get reminded of him.
- Don’t go to venues where you might run into him.
- Tell your mutual friends you don’t want anything to do with him if they talk about him. If those people are giving you a hard time about it and keep trying to force him on you – walk away from them. Tell them that your wellbeing is more important than your friendship.
- Make it clear to your other friends that you need their support to forget this man.
Step #5: Don’t give in to your rationalizations
Do you know what the similarities are with quitting smoking and getting over a player?
At first, it’s relatively simple. You make the decision and you decide to stop. You feel strong.
You throw away your cigarettes and the lighter in the garbage. You decide never to get back with him again and you post a story on Instagram, telling all your friends.
But after three months, someone in a bar offers you a cigarette. And you think:
“Oh, I quit a long time ago. One cigarette doesn’t make me slip back into a bad habit.”
You take the cigarette. Light it up, and then…
… Boom. You’re back at square one.
It happens, even to the best of us. And it’s understandable.
If you light that one cigarette again, you’ll quickly remember why you wanted to quit.
Just like with dealing with this guy.
If you call him in a moment of weakness to come over, he’ll sneakily find a way back into your life. You will have to start over, and you are going to regret it.
So make sure your rationalizations don’t get the upper hand after a couple of months. Don’t decide to give this man another chance…
Here are some common rationalizations you might get:
- He’s so upset now that we broke up. He probably really wants to change his behavior.
- He says he loves me, and love conquers all.
- I’ve never felt anything like it. It’s a shame to let go of that.
- I’ll never find anyone like him again.
- Just one night isn’t the end of the world.
When these things creep back in your head, you know you’ve got a problem. You just can’t think clearly for the moment because your emotions take over.
Try to ignore these rationalizations as much as you can.
You can make a decision you’ll later regret.
Because these rationalizations don’t reveal to you the nasty side of him you’ve had to deal with before.
Step #6: Date other men
Most women who are addicted to a guy who led them on don’t have enough great guys to compare him to.
They have often only had a few previous relationships until they came across a man who was different from everyone else.
And because she had only dated a few men before him, she automatically thought he must be the one when she fell in love with him.
Players or emotionally unavailable men are also very good at stirring up these feelings of love. Some guys can manipulate women flawlessly to make them do what they want them to do.
But not every man is like that.
Here’s how dating other men can help you get over him
Suppose that, despite your addiction and your heartbreak, you go on a few dates with other men.
- You are going to feel wanted again.
It’s OK to feel good when you go out with a man who’s doing his best for you – even if you are not that into him.
- You get the chance to see how different men treat you.
You can check if you recognize some of the things that a player does. Or you may notice that it’s much more delightful to have a positive, good man by your side.
- It’s fun.
If you were a little addicted to that unsuitable partner, the best way to fill that void is to meet other men who can take you out for a good time (and I’m not talking about sex).
That doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. But you can experiment with your taste in men and discover what you really like.
Because I think the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with your love life.
Step #7: Remember what your future will be like if you relapse
I suggest you remind yourself of what will happen if you keep seeing this man.
This is a technique I use myself too sometimes.
No. I am not reminding myself of my future with a player. I’m a heterosexual man, so that doesn’t apply literally.
But when I want to achieve a goal, or quit something, I often use negative motivation to get through it.
By the way, women are more sensitive to such disincentives, according to scientific research.
Use negative motivation
A former colleague of mine who was obese, had a half-naked picture of himself on his mirror to get himself through a time of heavy dieting.
A 25-year-old virgin often read poems he wrote at the peak of his loneliness. And as a result, it always motivated him to go out and talk to girls (and within three months he had a girlfriend).
So you can use something that reminds you of the bad times you’ve had with him, and use that when you’re in doubt as to whether you should see him again.
Feel free to exaggerate how bad he was
The things you will remember has a lot to do with the emotions you feel about a certain memory.
You can, therefore, focus on the bad memories and blow them up proportionally and exaggerate them.
I advise you to throw away everything good that reminds you of him.
All positive incentives are therefore eliminated, which reduces the chance that you will relapse.
The best way to use negative motivation:
- Use a diary or textbook where you write down all the horrible times you’ve had with him
- Talk to your friends to remind you of the horrible things he did, and how you felt at those times
It’s important that you have a way of reminding yourself that your current rationalizations are nothing compared to the pain you’ll feel if you go back to him.
You deserve a better man.