In this article you’ll learn:
- What you can expect to happen to you psychologically when you try to get over someone you love.
- The average time it takes to deal with a breakup.
- A simple step-by-step plan to get over him once and for all.
- A weird trick that prevents you from constantly thinking about him after the breakup.
- How you can speed up the heartbreak process and let go of your ex faster.
How to effectively deal with a breakup & get over your ex once and for all
This article is for the women who have decided that enough is enough. It’s over between you and your ex. You are going to get over him. As fast as possible.
If you’re not yet sure about that and still need to think about it, or perhaps would like to give him another shot then read these three related articles:
- 13 Clear signs that your relationship is over
- 9 Simple tips to fix & repair your unhappy relationship
- How to make him miss like like crazy after a breakup
But for the rest of you…
Let’s get started on how to get over him
I know a guy who hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone for over ten years because of a tragic thing that happened to him.
His girlfriend was not a nice person, to say the least. She cheated on him right in front of him and broke his heart. And to top it all off, it didn’t just happen once.
Sometimes relationships end and you just have to deal with a breakup
Starting a relationship with someone you really like is great, but sometimes a relationship simply comes to an end.
It’s very often easier said than done to deal with the breakup.
And if I should believe the emails I get, then there are many female readers who are currently suffering from heartbreak letting go of their ex.
They don’t know how to deal with the loss of their boyfriend. They feel awful, can’t get over him and therefore they are not interested in finding new love.
So they ask me:
“Tim, is there a fast way to get over a breakup with someone you love?”
Yes, I will give you the answer to that in this article.
Let me tell you a little bit about the man who was cheated on by his girlfriend ten years ago.
He is a very simple man and he looks like a male model. Blond hair, blue eyes, and muscular. He gets plenty of attention from women.
But this breakup a decade ago made such a bad impact on him and hurt him so much that he was afraid to try again with another person.
Until I taught him a few secret tricks to get over his ex
After all, I understand that he was really hurt by what happened to him. Just like I also understand how you feel now when you just broke up with your man.
But for him to be single for ten years? Come on man…
Life is far too beautiful to be miserable for ten years over something you can’t change. Not to think about those missed opportunities he could’ve had with a nice woman – purely because his heart was still hurting.
So I gave him this:
A step-by-step plan to get over someone you love
And a few months after I gave him this plan I saw him again. He had become a completely different person!
Now he was:
- More positive
- And perhaps most importantly: he had finally moved on from what his ex did to him and was dating a very nice woman who was perfect for him!
I was really happy for him because this man has a heart of gold, and he will make her very happy in their relationship.
It always gives me a good feeling when I can help someone out like that.
This guy was really not a bad person. He did really well in life and was successful in almost all areas you can count.
He didn’t deserve what happened to him. He was just unlucky and met the wrong woman, and that had a huge negative impact on him for years. Unnecessarily so.
He is no different than you or me. But if he had known these tips sooner then he would have gotten over his ex a lot quicker, even if it was very traumatizing.
So if you are currently dealing with a breakup, and you can’t forget or let go of your ex…
Then you’ve come to the right place.
I want to help you deal with your breakup and get over him as soon as possible. So that you can move on with your life.
So without further ado…
Here is how to get over him once and for all:
Step 1: Know what to expect psychologically
My acquaintance who was still dealing with his breakup after a decade is an exception.
Most people get over their ex sooner, much sooner.
“What is the average time it takes to get over someone?”
One good thing to know about breakups is that we often overestimate how long takes to get over someone you love.
Research shows that college students emotionally recovered 10 weeks after their breakup.
Another study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that most people recover from a breakup in 3 months.
That’s good news!
It’s not wise to stress out over the fact that you haven’t let go of your ex yet
Especially if it hasn’t been a few weeks since you broke up.
Then just relax. There is no reason to get yourself worked up over it. That’ll only make things worse.
Has it been more than 3 months since the breakup, and you are still not over him?
With this step-by-step plan, you will be able to finally get over him and move on with your life once and for all.
It was created after I coached thousands of men and women in love and relationships.
|Depending on how long you were together and what he meant to you, getting over him is going to take its time. The first step is to allow yourself to feel the way you feel and start the healing process. Be patient and don’t rush this.
Step 2: Get your best friend to help you through the breakup
You don’t have to deal with your breakup alone. You have people around you who love you and who would do anything for you.
That makes getting over your ex infinitely easier.
So here’s what you do:
- Ask someone you love to help you deal with this difficult time. A person who loves you and who willingly would go out of his or her way to help you through it, together.
- Share this plan with that him or her and read through it in detail until you know exactly what you need to do.
- Commit to the plan and that you WILL go through every single step without fail and see it through to the end, no matter what.
Then move on to the next step.
Step 3: Choose the fast way to get over your breakup
I am not a magician, and I haven’t got a magic wand that could remove him from your memory. I can’t undo what happened between you and your ex.
But even if I did, it would be a shame to remove those memories. After all, he was a big part of your life.
But not anymore.
I can help you ease the transition to a life without him, but I will need your full commitment for this to work.
Unless you prefer to just sit around in pain and wait long enough until you eventually forget about him.
But do you want to forget about him quicker and preferably let him go today? It will take some effort
This means that you must make a conscious decision to finally get over your ex.
You must give it everything you have.
It’s like this…
When you are dealing with a breakup, there are two things you can do about it:
- You can sit on the couch and cry your eyes out for a few more months or years.
- Or you can tell yourself that enough is enough and decide to move on.
Make yourself this commitment even though it might not be easy:
“Ok, this is a crappy situation, but I will make the best of it. I will make sure that I will come out of this happier and a better person. Even If I can’t forget about my ex this second, I will do my very best to get over him.”
If you make that conscious decision, you will succeed
In fact, it will be a lot quicker than if you were to just wait around until enough time passes for you to automatically get over him.
Don’t half-ass it.
As soon as you make the conscious decision you’re 100% done with him and there is no chance of you getting back together. It’s OVER.
Here’s the thing…
You only have to let go of your ex ONCE to succeed.
So do this now: Make the conscious decision that you’re done with him once and for all. And that there is no turning back.
Then go to the next step.
Step 4: Realize that he wasn’t 100% right for you
There are two ways for how you ended up here:
- He ended the relationship.
- You ended the relationship.
In the first case he had had enough, and he was no longer interested in you. I know this sounds harsh but it’s important to make it clear and get through to you.
In the second case, he did not meet your standards in terms of what you were looking for in a relationship. In other words, he could not offer you what you wanted.
So what does this mean?
However you look at it, you are not right for each other
I sincerely believe that every woman, (and every man) deserves a partner who is 100% right for them. A woman deserves someone who is there for her and loves her.
When your ex dumped you, or you dumped him, there must have been a good reason for this.
The most important reason for this? He wasn’t good enough.
Please keep that in mind and ask yourself the following questions:
- “Do I want to be with a man who is not 100% right for me?”
- “Do I want to be with someone who can’t give me what I need?”
I hope you answered “no” to both questions.
Is that the case? Then you can continue with the next step:
Step 5: Express your emotions
So we just came to the conclusion that you and your ex are not right for each other. He wasn’t good enough and you are ready to move on and forget about your ex.
But since you haven’t been able to get over him yet, and it’s difficult to let him go…
This means that he had a lot of positive effects on your life.
Because that’s the reason why he creeps back into your mind:
You had some great times together. (Otherwise, you’d be over him by now)
So it’s important to deal with the underlying reason why he keeps entering your mind.
And that’s what we’re going to do next…
It’s time to write a letter to get over him
You’re going to write a letter to your ex, but don’t worry you’re NOT going to send it.
In this letter, you’ll write down all your emotions and everything you feel about him, yourself, and the relationship. You can go as deep as you like, but I advise you to write down the following and get it all out in one sitting:
- How much you miss him
- How often you think about him
- Why you think about him
- How you felt when you were with him
It’s a practice to accept and come to terms with everything you’re feeling. You are not doing this for him, but for yourself.
Don’t mail the letter. It is only meant for yourself to see exactly why it’s so difficult to let him go.
It will take some time to get all of this out on paper, but afterward, you have revealed your underlying feelings.
Why is this so important?
By writing it out on paper:
- You become aware of the feelings that prevent you from letting go of your ex.
- You bring all of your emotions and feelings to the surface, so you can look at them more closely.
|As soon as you’ve completed your list you’ll notice how good it feels to get everything out, and that your emotions have a weaker grip over you.
Once you have done that you can throw away the letter and move on to the next step of why you broke up.
Step 6: Write down everything you don’t like about him
Now you know the reason why it’s so difficult to let go of him.
No matter how hard you try, these feelings will come up now and again. There is nothing wrong with that.
But to prevent them from dragging you down and making you feel overwhelmed, I will give you my secret weapon to get rid of these feelings when they emerge.
A weird trick to help you forget about your ex
Grab a pen and paper and write down the following:
- Why you broke up
- His annoying habits
- Perhaps his horrible mother
- Everything you don’t like about him
Can you only come up with a couple of things? Keep trying.
Maybe he had his tongue out when he tied his shoelaces or had a funny face when he was lifting weights at the gym…
Write down all the big and small things you can think of. This is all about quantity, not quality.
This is the list you look at when you have a moment of weakness
For example when they play that song on the radio that you used to listen to together, or when he sends you texts to get your attention.
You want to put something negative on every positive emotion you feel towards him.
Here is an example:
“Yes, we did have a lovely holiday in Greece, where our love was strong. But then he dumped me. So he is not committed to me. And I don’t want to be with a man who is not right for me. I deserve better than that.”
This way you keep your feelings in balance, and you prevent yourself from being carried away by strong positive emotions about your past relationship.
And in the next step, we’re going to remove everything you can that cause you to feel this way.
Step 7: Cut off all contact with him
Do you know the worst thing you can do when you want to get over a guy you love and forget about your ex?
To stay friends with that person.
That is the dumbest thing you can do because it is contra-productive.
If you continue to communicate with him, or seeing him, you will continue to get reminded of him and your relationship.
So every time he texts you, or every time you notice any of his things that are still laying around at your place – it prevents you from getting over him.
Each time this happens it gives you positive emotions
- You suddenly remember some of your absolute best memories together.
- You automatically start to think about the great things about him.
Prevent this from happening as much as possible by removing all “triggers” that cause this.
As a result, when those strong emotions inevitably emerge, they don’t stay as long and are not as intense.
Love is like a sailing boat, it needs wind to be able to sail
- A text message with him back and forth is a nice breeze.
- Having a cup of coffee together in town is a wind force 5.
- And sex with your ex? That is a hurricane that will sink the entire boat.
There is a reason why you broke up.
The positive emotions are just memories. And usually faulty ones that paint an inaccurate picture of what happened between you. So take off those pink sunglasses and think back to what your relationship was really like.
If you see him again, especially regularly, or you have sex with him – then your negative emotions are only going to get worse.
Because here’s the thing…
The more you think about him, the more important you make him.
Stop sabotaging for yourself
Here’s what you’ll have to do to effectively deal with your breakup and finally forget about your ex:
- Delete him from your phone.
- Ignore him if he reaches out to you.
- Return his stuff, or give it to the salvation army if he takes too long to collect it.
- If he creates a new profile on social media to stalk you, block him instead of accepting his new friendship request.
- Be tough and direct with him.
Before you block and delete him from your phone you can send him one final goodbye message to make it “official”. This is for your own sake as an act that there is no turning back after that point.
By doing this you prevent him from interrupting your ‘break up process’ by continuously giving you positive feelings from your past.
Step 8: Exercise
Does it cause you a lot of stress to think about your ex?
Great! Time to go to the gym and get it all out of your system.
I can’t emphasize enough how important this is when you’re dealing with a breakup.
Of course, you will think about him now and again. That is only normal. But if that makes you sad or restless, then it means you have energy built up inside that you must get rid of.
I wholeheartedly recommend that you exercise – it doesn’t matter what.
By getting your body to move you convert your stress into something positive.
It is a lot harder to feel sad and depressed when you’re panting on the treadmill, stretching in yoga class, or running after a ball.
“But Tim, I am tired and I don’t want to go outside. What do I do now?”
Exercising is just one of those things that you should just do regardless of how you feel.
I’m not always in the mood either. But when that happens, I make an agreement with myself that I will exercise for five minutes.
Only five minutes.
And if I am still not in the mood and want to quit after these five minutes, I can go home.
But that never happens.
Once I have done one exercise, I like it and I want to do more.
So if you find it hard to exercise, just do it for five minutes.
If you still don’t feel like it after five minutes, then you can go home. But I don’t think that would happen, because you’d get into it, and realize it’s not as bad as your mind make it up to be.
Besides… A lack of exercise increases the tension in your body. And when you are tense, it takes more effort to get your body moving.
But that’s only in the beginning and will quickly pass. It only takes about five minutes.
|If you’re having a problem motivating yourself to exercise then I recommend you do it first thing in the morning. It’s a lot easier to get it done first thing in the day, or right after work – instead of when you’re laying in bed and is halfway through a series that you’re binge-watching.
If you still don’t feel like it and it’s too hard then you can ask your “breakup partner” if you can go to the gym together with her. Or better yet, do a home workout in your apartment together where you don’t even have to leave your home. There are plenty of 30-minute workouts on Youtube that are really good.
Step 9: “Mirror, mirror on the wall…”
Now you have a way to deal with the stress from the breakup, and also make it as easy as possible to forget about him… So now it’s time to get your self-confidence back.
After a breakup, your self-confidence often takes a big hit.
You might feel like you are unattractive, or not feel that great about yourself.
Maybe you even blame yourself for the breakup, even though that is not true at all.
This is normal.
Your mind tells you a false narrative that goes something like this:
- My boyfriend and I broke up
- It’s my fault
- There must be something wrong with me (negative thinking and lower self-esteem)
This happens automatically, without you having any control over it. But there is something else you can control, and that’s how you deal with yourself from now on.
Stand in front of the mirror and take a good look at yourself:
- What do you like about yourself?
- How well do you take care of yourself?
- Can you see any room for improvement?
Starting from today you’re going to spend more attention on your appearance and make yourself feel good.
Because every time you put on makeup, exercise, or when you dress up nicely – you are trying to improve your well-being.
And all the time you spend focusing on this is time you invest in your self-esteem to make yourself feel better.
In addition, you also want to look at your inner self
What makes you proud, and what doesn’t?
- Do you have any bad habits you want to change?
- What don’t you like about yourself?
Make a plan to do something about this. Changing a habit or behavior is difficult, but it will give you a great feeling when you succeed. And it will take your mind off your ex.
It’s better to use your energy to improve something about yourself, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, or watching less television – instead of thinking about an ex who you really don’t want to have in your life anymore.
Getting rid of bad habits and taking care of your appearance also has a great additional effect:
You will become more attractive to ambitious men
They want a woman who cares about herself and that has things going for her, just like they do.
There is no need to become insecure when you see things in this mirror that you can improve, quite the contrary.
Did you and your ex turn into couch potatoes together?
No problem, time get yourself down to the gym. There is no reason to feel bad about this, it happens to many couples.
If you are struggling to feel good about yourself, then take a look in the mirror and look at all the things that are great about you.
- How beautiful your eyes are
- How gorgeous smile you have
- How nice and perky your lips are
Purely to remind yourself that you are a beautiful woman who deserves a great guy.
Another thing you can think about is your past achievements that you’re proud of.
I’m sure you have done some remarkable things in your life that most people would be impressed by.
Remind yourself of those things and what a great woman you are.
In the next step, we’re going to dig deeper into this…
Step 10: Invest in yourself
To get over an ex is difficult.
But every minute you spend thinking about him is a waste of time.
And it’s better to use that time for something positive. After all, you are trying to forget about him.
Look at it this way:
What will you benefit most from?
- Thinking about your ex for an hour (who you don’t even want to be with)
- Or spending an hour working hard at your job or study?
Anything is better than thinking about your ex, so you have many options. But becoming ambitious in your work of study is one of the best things you can do because:
- It takes your mind away from the breakup.
- You can spend your time and energy on something useful.
- And you will benefit from it.
Imagine how satisfying it will be when you receive a great degree on your diploma or get promoted. That is something you can be truly proud of that you can share with others.
And coincidentally, most men – especially the ambitious type – love it when a woman takes herself and her career seriously.
|If a promotion or exam seems far away then you can always set a health goal for yourself and start a 12-week fitness program to get into the best shape of your life. If you really dedicate yourself then 3 months is enough time to get some truly amazing results. And that will make yourself feel proud about what you just accomplished, and make you feel great about yourself.
Step 11: Stop stalking him
I already mentioned that every minute you think about him is a waste of time.
However, I see with most of my clients that they unconsciously keep an eye on their ex after the breakup. They gossip about him to their friends, or constantly check out his social media profiles.
They often don’t even think about it, it’s more of a reflex as they’ve been used to doing it for a long time. But it has an unpleasant side effect:
That only makes it more difficult to forget about your ex
Because it causes you to think about him more.
And even when a friend brings him up, there is no point to gossip about him. In fact, it will not help you at all.
- What if you hear that he is dating again?
- Or that he posted something new on his timeline on Instagram?
That means nothing to you anymore, right?
So stop stalking him and making it harder for yourself to get over him.
And if you can’t control yourself…
- Block him on social media
- Don’t ask your friends about him
- And if your friends start talking about him, just ignore it or tell them you’d rather speak about something else.
A simple sentence like this does wonders:
“I am trying to forget about him and to let him go so can we please talk about something else?”
They are your friends and care about you so they’ll understand.
Step 12: Reconnect with your family and friends
If you were together for a long time then chances are that he was the only person you were hanging out with. Especially if you lived together.
So it’s very easy to lose touch with some of your old friends or family members.
Maybe you haven’t seen your grandmother or your best friend for 6 months that you used to hang out with all the time.
But now that you’re no longer with your ex you have plenty of time to reconnect with those people.
This has a few benefits:
- It distracts you: Spending time with the people you love distracts you from thinking about your ex.
- You receive love: By meeting your friends and family members, you will notice how loved you are by the ones closest to you.
- You receive support: No doubt your boyfriend supported you during the relationship when you had to deal with something. Now when he’ll no longer do this you need someone else to help. Why not turn to your girlfriends? They love to help you. And what about your mother?
- It is cozy: Nothing is more fun than strengthening family ties or going out with girlfriends, right? And doing the things you like, makes a person happy.
Step 13: Reignite your passions
In a relationship you often make sacrifices.
You spend a lot of time with each other it’s easy to put your own hobbies aside.
Maybe you stopped doing the things you loved to do because you didn’t have the time – or because he didn’t like them even though you did.
But now that the relationship is over, you can start doing all the things you used to do. Old hobbies, passions, or certain ways you used to do things… Time to restore them.
Do the things you love to do, perhaps you:
- Loved to paint, but haven’t done it in years because of your ex?
- Wanted to try a new restaurant but he wasn’t into that food, but you were
- Was curious to try a new sport that seemed cool
This is a great chance to open up to trying new experiences!
|If you often made decisions together, or he always decided for you, then now is the time to start thinking for yourself again and what’s best for YOU. This will make you proactive and take back control of your own life.
Step 14: Date other men
I regularly receive messages from women who are not sure whether they should date again.
They have met a nice man, but they are still not completely over their ex.
And a friend, or a women’s magazine, says it’s not smart to date another man if you’re not over your ex yet.
The idea behind that thinking is that if your heart hasn’t recovered from the breakup, you will make it worse with a new love.
Well, I can reassure you:
Both my experience as a dating coach and scientific research shows that it can’t do any harm
Women who are dating again shortly after a breakup, are more likely to get over their ex quicker. So there are no disadvantages, only advantages.
You can read more about that in this study.
From my experience as a coach I can only agree with this:
Your self-confidence will get a blow when you breakup. The best thing you can do is to restore this as quickly as possible. And you can do this by going on a date with a new great guy.
That doesn’t mean that this is immediately an audition for ‘mister right’
Or that you should sleep with him (although you are allowed).
I think that you should not take it too seriously. Just enjoy the attention he gives you.
See how much effort he makes for you. Instead of watching a film for ninety minutes, you can now enjoy a man who appreciates you and tries to ‘get you’ for that same length of time. Sounds much more fun, right?
If you happen to not liking him, or simply not “feeling it”. No problem.
Sooner or later you will meet a great guy you really like, and this man will make you feel the butterflies in your stomach again. Till that happens you can just enjoy the game and let men make you feel beautiful and appreciated again.
Step 15: Celebrate being single again
Life is beautiful.
There are so many things you can do now that you are single and don’t have anyone holding you back.
Make the most of it.
I cannot emphasize this enough…
How important it is to look at your breakup in a positive light
You are finally free of your ex and your old relationship.
Go out and enjoy your life!
Here are some bonus points you can use:
Make a list of the things your boyfriend didn’t like to do (or didn’t like you to do) – but which you really enjoyed.
And then work through the things on the list one by one.
- Didn’t he like it when you flirted with that particular guy at work? Guess what. Go and give this guy some special attention.
- Would he rather sit on the couch at home with a movie rather than be out with friends? Go out and have fun.
- Was he never interested in traveling and be gone for several months because he was always too homesick? Then it’s time to make a plan for how you can go out and explore the world.
And before you know it you will meet an even greater guy.
Here’s the beauty of this
When you’re doing activities you love to do you will also meet men. Men who like the same things as you. So if you happen to start dating again you won’t need to stop doing something you’re passionate about just because your boyfriend doesn’t like it.
This was my step-by-step plan to get over him and move on with your life
I wish you the best of luck to get over the breakup.
Remember, most people only needed 3 months to get over it, and that’s nothing.
You’re going to be okay. Just give it time and let yourself heal.