In this article, you’ll learn:
- How you can heal most of your arguments with one simple word.
- What to do after you’ve had a fight with your boyfriend or husband to heal the relationship.
- What you will never, absolutely never, want to say during a fight.
- How you can make up after a fight by communicating less.
- How you can solve a fight by giving a man a little bit of time.
Are you having a fight with your boyfriend or husband?
Fights with your boyfriend or husband are never good, but it doesn’t have to be the end of things. As long as you know what to do after an argument with him.
The fight may be caused by a small annoyance, but also by stress at work, not enough time for each other, temperamental characters, or different ideas about the relationship. But it could also be more serious than that. There is a difference between an argument about why he didn’t put the toothpaste cap back on, and a fight because someone cheated.
But no matter how emotional you are, you can fix almost everything as long as you are able to count to ten and can handle things logically. This is the best way to reconnect after a big fight.
And this is what this article is about:
How to heal a relationship after a fight
I will give you five tips on what you definitely want to do if you like to make up. Then I will give you another four things that you definitely NEVER want to do because you will only make things worse.
Here is how to heal a relationship after a fight:
The Don’ts – You never want to do these four things when you are fighting with your boyfriend or husband
Do you want to make up after a fight? Then you definitely don’t want to do these four things. If you do this, you will make matters worse in the long run.
So if you do these things, please stop.
Rather yesterday than today.
MISTAKE NO. 1 Behaving differently to heal the relationship
Do not tiptoe around after a fight.
Of course it is nice to consider each other’s feelings, but being too nice and thoughtful can get on his nerves.
He fell for you once, with all your good and bad characteristics. They are all part of it, even after a fight. It’s all in the game.
(However, it might not hurt to emphasize these good points a little more clearly after a fight. Just to make sure he doesn’t forget. But don’t overdo it)
When one of you has to tiptoe around after a fight, things will quickly go wrong. The relationship will become unbalanced and the tension will be emphasized for both parties.
MISTAKE No. 2. Involving a third party in the fight
Are you feeling desperate after the fight or argument with your boyfriend or husband?
And maybe you haven’t you got a clue how to make it up…
Then it is definitely not a good idea to involve friends, family.
Read again: not a good idea. Don’t involve the outside world in your personal problems. Don’t involve your friends, mother, or whoever. Unless you consciously want to break the trust with your boyfriend or husband.
No matter how well you get along with your in-laws or how close you are with your best friend: family and friends are (unconsciously) always on the side of the person they have known the longest and will therefore never be able to mediate properly.
A man almost always feels betrayed and ashamed when you tell others about your personal problems. He wants to pretend to the outside world that everything is fine. Showing your weakness or personal problems to the outside world is the worst thing for us men.
The way to reconnect after a big fight is to do it together in private. Face-to-face. Even if it takes time and patience.
MISTAKE No. 3. Saying “IT IS OVER”
I often hear angry girlfriends scream out things like this during fights:
- Just get lost!
- It is over!
- I never want to see you again!
- If you do that, it will be over between us!
…. And to be honest, when women threaten to end things, it is the moment where the whole discussion ends for me. I have discussed this with several men and we all agree.
When a woman says this, all reasonableness is gone and men no longer take you seriously. It’s always an empty threat, and it’s a mean and disrespectful thing to do. If you have a good relationship you can argue without making threats.
You cannot make up with your boyfriend after a fight, by forcing him to do what you want by making threats. In fact, you will just drive him further away.
You can have a good argument as a couple and have a healing conversation with each other after a fight when you know that you have a solid relationship.
If you threaten to leave him every time you have an argument, (or he says that to you) – it is highly likely that this will happen one day.
Splitting up is not an obvious option, so a fight should eventually focus on a solution to your problems.
MISTAKE No. 4. Having a fight with your boyfriend or husband about various topics
This might be rather obvious but only try to tackle an argument that is going on right now. It is tempting to bring up all the other times that he did a similar thing, but it is not a good idea.
When you bring up old problems each time you argue, every small irritation will lead to a big problem that you cannot overcome. In addition, men often don’t see the connections between different situations.
So stick to the topic that you’re currently arguing about. Individual problems are often much easier to solve.
Tip: My advice would be (and I know it sound a bit radical) to set a time limit on your irritations. Did you have an incident that happened more than two months ago? Don’t bring it up.
This has two advantages.
- You will only have small arguments in the future as you force yourself to address minor issues before they get big and blow up.
- You solve them right away and prevent incidents from becoming a big problem.
5 Do’s – to make up after a fight
1. Give him time and space
Where women prefer to discuss, sort out, and analyze the argument into detail, most men need some time for themselves after a fight. They often cannot sort it out straight away.
Men often only want to talk once they have had time to think. So sometimes give them some time to come to themselves. Forcing him to talk about an incident right away, will only create more resistance and things might get out of hand.
One of the main reasons that men become distant, is because they first have to process things themselves.
They need time to think or to completely forget the argument.
So talking is not always immediately an option. Instead, wait a while before you try to have a healing conversation after the fight.
Be prepared for a short radio silence. Some conflicts in a relationship will just escalate if you start talking about it too quickly.
2. You can often heal the relationship by apologizing
Being guilty is of course a flexible concept, there are usually two sides to a story.
Did you cheat? Then it’s probably your fault.
Unless you cheated because you have not received any attention from your husband or boyfriend for months, and he did not want to sleep with you…
Then maybe you are not as much at fault…
If you really want to heal the relationship, you must take the blame if you actually did something wrong.
A study by Michael E. McCullough in 1998 even showed that an apology not only increases your chances of forgiveness, but can actually improve the relationship.
In situations that are clearly your fault, it might be easier to say sorry. But it is a bit more complicated in the grey areas.
People (yes, men also) find it very difficult to say sorry if they are only partly to blame. So they tend to come up with a lame attempt to apologize. They will say something like: “I am sorry that I did A, but if you hadn’t done B I would never have done what I did…”
These kinds of lame excuses are not helping. Sometimes it is better to just put your pride aside and apologize for what you have done.
When you are fighting, your partner is often not interested in mitigating circumstances. Men can often forgive a lot of things, as long as their ego is not at stake.
Is this specifically a woman’s task? No, not at all. I give the same advice to the men that I coach. But as you are reading this and not your boyfriend, this is my best tip.
Be aware! Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it, but you are actually still angry and/or looking for revenge. He can’t handle mixed signals.
3. You can solve an argument with your boyfriend by talking less
Ok, not all women are the same, but be honest: you can talk a lot. One woman uses per day about 13,000 more words than a man.
I am not kidding you. Here you can read the article.
Men can sometimes get confused if they are bombarded with words. This will often cause misunderstandings when you are arguing with your boyfriend or husband. Plus, if you talk a lot, he will stop listening and you will create even more resistance.
So keep this in mind: same message, but a bit more to the point. Then all that you say during an argument, will be remembered better.
And please don’t forget that it is sometimes difficult to take back what you have said.
Make sure that you don’t continue to talk about it after a fight, as this could restart it all again. Take some time to cool down, so you don’t say anything you might regret later.
4. Take his stupidity into account, if you want to heal the relationship
Men like clear, simple language. Don’t beat around the bush but say what is on your mind.
- Are you angry? Just say it.
- Are you sad? Just say it.
A man has (and uses) a lot less white brain mass than a woman, so he cannot make connections as quickly and easily as you do.
By the way, men don’t like clear communication because they prefer it. They like it because this is the only way they can understand a woman.
The number of times I have heard women say things like:
- Yes but, surely he understands that…
- If I have to explain this to him, then he is really stupid…
- It cannot be the case, that he doesn’t understand that…
The truth is that men very often don’t understand what you mean as a woman. Men are not nearly as emotionally developed as women. Men think of facts, problems, and solutions. Therefore, we need simple and clear instructions regarding what’s expected of us.
You might think that I am exaggerating a bit, but in practice I see it happen every day: women who are angry with their husbands for some reason, but the men don’t understand why.
Yes, you can get angry, but this is just his limitation. When you become angry with a man because he cannot feel things, it will be the same as looking for a fight with a disabled person because he cannot walk.
Just express clearly what you want, then it is most likely that the argument will be solved. Or that the next one can be avoided.
5. When he is angry and you are not, just be nice and attentive
Have you tried everything, but it appears that your partner cannot get over the fight?
Maybe he needs more time… You can accuse him of not being willing to forgive you or that he is quiet and withdrawn, but that will not help you.
If you know what things he likes, use it to show him that you still care about him. It’s like – forgive me if it sounds a bit dim – you respond to his anger with love.
- Make him a cup of coffee
- Prepare his favorite meal
- Give him a foot massage
- Make him laugh
- Wear that hot dress he really likes
- Don’t wear anything
- Make-up sex
Don’t go crazy and overdo it, but it can sometimes help to be extra attentive.
Show him that you at least make the effort for him. Often this can already generate a lot of goodwill.
This will also give him a clear signal. It is like you are saying to him: “It’s okay to be angry, but I will still be nice to you”. This will make him feel that he has the time and space to get over things.
Because you don’t blame him for being sulky and angry and because you are just nice to him, it will be more difficult for him to stay angry.